Ummmm, LW1. This is a thing, what you're going through over and over. I've seen this thing. I've been in this thing. I've had close friends be in this thing, and seen them overcome it.
It's called something like, "I will recycle my childhood dramas now in an attempt to resolve what was fundamentally confusing and painful as a child."
In other words, your dad, mom, older sibling, uncle, grandma, grandpa, or someone important was a borderline personality, or an alcoholic, or at minimum, controlling in a crazy way. So now, the only people who get your rocks off are crazyhats. Because your intimacy meter is keyed to crazy.
I say this with great love and compassion, and no judgment of you or your family, because I've got this too.
One of my friends puts it like this, "You walk into that room, the cocktail party or the BBQ or whatever, and you spot them, the one person in the whole place with something about them, the only one in the building you want to talk to, the one person you're sure you could have a conversation with in the whole damn place. They make your bells go 'ding-ding-ding.' Well, honey, they make your bells go ding-ding-ding because they’re giving all the signs of carrying around that drama you subconsciously need to work on, because your subconscious knows they will recycle into your live the drama you unknowingly crave, because they are *familiar* in the crazy way.”
And the work you have to do this: the person who makes your bells go ‘ding-ding-ding’ and makes all the lights and buzzers go off, you don’t engage with them. You take the tingle of interest and the excitement as a warning, and not as a good sign.
Instead, you consciously and meaningfully craft an idea of what is acceptable to you in a partner. Like A Queer Chick says, and you don’t accept anything else. You force yourself to talk to and engage with the people who seem soooo boring, and unfamiliar, and dumb, and lame, and not all that interesting. You engage them and learn what’s really going on inside those people, because there is a lot. And you get to a therapist and work on whatever cray-cray family dynamic makes psychos light your fire.
Like Mary Ellen said, you keep finding yourself in this situation because you are the common denominator. I know that’s harsh, but it’s actually good news, because it means the resolution is also within your power. One day, you’ll look at the psycho, lying, thieving, identity-shifting exes as having been your friends. Because they were pointing huge red flashing arrows at the path to self-awareness.
I say this as someone who stopped picking the addled recovering meth addicts, the jobless controlling romantic abusers, and the weirdly needy emotionally unavailable alcoholics. It took a lot of work, and extreme efforts at self-awareness and looking at my family and my life, and forgiving my family and myself, but I’m now with someone stable, loving, kind-hearted, and sincere, with a strong sense of self, who fights fair, and whom I have no doubt in my mind or in my heart loves me as I deserve.
@Greene Fyre@facebook Right on target, Greene.
"Oooh mixed race peeps is so beeutiful let's hurry up and intermarry." What's the big rush? Isn't every ethnic and "racial" group beautiful just the way we are? Seems to me this whole "the future is prettier cause there's no race" thing is kind of a slam of existing ethnic identities.
@up cubed that's what I mean -- people who think just mixing up some genes will somehow end racism (or the concept of race) are deluded.
I love your lists, especially the items relating to cute animals.
In that vein:
1- The wicked cool action-movie-star move that my cat pulled the other day while we were playing
2- The lady who does my eyebrows
3- Having dip for my vegetables!
4- Good, positive relationship stuff
5- the LA Lakers pen I got for free at work
By Statham on Friday Open Thread
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) #4 makes me happy for you! <3
@stuffisthings Ehh... I see where this is coming from, but race is a social construct. One that the hegemony uses to "other" certain groups. In most cases, race is short-hand for socio economic status, etc.
I guess I'm a bit sensitive to it because I'm mixed race with a white parent, and I really benefit socially from being able to manipulate people's perception of my race (white privilege). Some people don't have that as an option.
Edited to add: I'm not suggesting that "passing" as white is a good thing that people should aspire to. I think this article is saying eventually everyone will be able to pass as exotic white or average white, and everyone here has a great critique on why that perspective is stupid and racist.
By Statham on Friday Open Thread
@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Oh man. I had a post all set up, and then it logged me out and deleted it. I've been looking forward to this post though because my week has been pretty good. :]
1. Spring Break started today, and I am off all of next week.
2. I got my car back (finally) after being in the shop for two unexpected weeks.
3. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut, and I am seeing Kathy Griffin.
4. My students were pretty hilarious all week.
5. I won at video games at D&B last night, and this is new for me.
6. My boyfriend is pretty awesome, and we've been successful at talking about things instead of being arguing pouting children. COMMUNICATION ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. :]
By Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) on Cancel "What Americans Will Look Like in 2050"
...but what about immigration?
IN 2050 AMERICA WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO ENTER IF YOU ARE A PASTY WHITE PERSON FROM IRELAND OR SOMETHING
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AMERICA, TAKE YOUR PLAIN, BOTH-PARENTS-THE-SAME ASS BACK TO IRELAND OR SOMETHING
--future plaque on the Statue of Liberty