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Men Explain Cars To Me

In the summer of 2011, a friend convinced me to try make a profile on OkCupid. I filled my profile with jokes because I wanted project a certain personality: “haha look how not seriously I am taking this, I am a carefree and fun girl, please date me.” READ MORE

Mysteries of the English Language

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? READ MORE

The internet is abuzz over Jean-Paul Goude's provocative photos of Kim Kardashian's naked backside on the Winter 2014 issue of Paper. No word yet if the Kwik-E-Mart will be stocking it.

What Your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage Says About You

Manhattan
A classic drink for a classic girl! Holy shit do you love Mad Men. You wear red lipstick, you love old movies, you don’t understand today’s music or fashion trends. You get along better with your grandmother than you do with most people your own age. You were born in the wrong generation, for real! You love it when your boss, Barry, calls you “sweetheart,” and you don’t get why it rattles your female coworkers so. You voted for Romney. You alienate your queer friends at parties with your dated sociopolitical views. You would totally pick Cary Grant over Channing Tatum any day!! Keep it old school, sister! READ MORE

Megan Amram...For You!

Here’s a hot tip: if you're interviewing a comedian over the phone, don't do the transcribing yourself. READ MORE

Excerpts From the November 2014 Vogue, Presented Without Commentary

Our destination the next day is the Holy Grail: Castle Gravenwezel, the home of Axel and May Vervoordt. Axel’s son Boris, a model of courtly hospitality and courtly proffered knowledge, leads us there in his crocodile-green Rolls-Royce Corniche. READ MORE

Texts from Mallory Ortberg

Whenever I have an idea for something funny to write on the Internet, I have to make sure that it isn’t just something I’ve subconsciously ripped off from writer/webmistress Mallory Ortberg. If there is a joke to be made about anything, chances are Mallory’s already made it, in a both subtle and absurd way that will seep into your brain and stick with you for months. READ MORE

In yesterday's municipal elections, there was a Vaughan, Ontario candidate for regional councillor. His name is Max Power. READ MORE

13 Things That All Women in Their Twenties Who Are Possessed by Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Are Sick Of Hearing

1. "But how is painting upside down crucifixes with ram's blood going to help you pay off your student loan debts?" READ MORE

A Series of Sexts

Hey
Hey babe
So booooored.
You know what would cheer me up?
Tell me.
Some pics of your duck.
Like, quack quack?
Hah.
Stupid autocorrect.
U know what I mean ;)
I do.
And I wanna come right over there.
And rip your panini off with my teeth.
...
Oh.
Panini.
Panini.
Panties.
Lol.
Actually a panini sounds good right now. There is this new cafe down the street that makes these really good ones with all fresh ingredients and like, this handmade pesto?
Babe, focus.
Oh right haha.
Well what will you do to me once you rip off my panini?
Panties?
Panini?
I'll get you down on your knees.
Grab your hair in my fists.
Oh yeah.
And have you sack my cook.
Oh god, my Connie Britton is dripping wet.
Yeah you like it rough, you dirty bridge.
I am the dirtiest bridge.
I want you to flip me over.
And slap my Aslan.

Like
The lion from Narnia?
Autocorrect.
You duckhead.
That's messed up, babe.
I think he's supposed to be, like, a Jesus figure.
And a lion.
You're killing the mood.
I just wanna make you comb.
Comb all over my tires.
Ok.
Oh yeah.
Oh duck.
I'm combing, baby.
I'M COMBING.
I'M GONNA COMB ALL OVER YOUR TIRES, KAREN.
...
who
in the everloving duck
is Karen

Oh man, baby
Autocorrect strikes again!!
haha
Karen like that bridge from your office?
No!
I meant to write
like
Karate
I was combing so intensely I wanted to do karate
You know
Karen chop the air.
go duck yourself you turducken monkey butler Faberge egg cellist.
come on
you know you're the only one i love, Karate
i mean Karen
i mean Jennifer
i mean
...
karate READ MORE