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Texts from Mallory Ortberg

Whenever I have an idea for something funny to write on the Internet, I have to make sure that it isn’t just something I’ve subconsciously ripped off from writer/webmistress Mallory Ortberg. If there is a joke to be made about anything, chances are Mallory’s already made it, in a both subtle and absurd way that will seep into your brain and stick with you for months. READ MORE

In yesterday's municipal elections, there was a Vaughan, Ontario candidate for regional councillor. His name is Max Power. READ MORE

13 Things That All Women in Their Twenties Who Are Possessed by Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Are Sick Of Hearing

1. "But how is painting upside down crucifixes with ram's blood going to help you pay off your student loan debts?" READ MORE

A Letter to My Future Daughter

Hello my sweet baby girl,

You are still several years away from existing, but I am positive will exist someday. Maybe it boils down to my woman’s intuition, or to that psychic I consulted with this morning (for the first and last time, I might add. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think that if a psychic is charging you eleven bucks a pop, she has an obligation to tell you that week’s lottery tickets numbers.)

Regardless. I may not know you yet, even though you are technically apart of me, hanging out in my uterus waiting for the right dick to come along and shove you out (I fell asleep during that one high school biology class where we talked about reproductive health), but there are a few things I know about you for sure.

First, let me say: sorry for that weird greenish tint your skin has. The doctors warned me that would happen. I didn’t believe them. Guess I owe them a Coke now. My bad!! What can you do?

Second, doubly sorry about the whole “not knowing who your biological father is” thing. One thing I can definitely say about him is his truly was a butt that wouldn’t quit. Your mama knew what she was doing, girlfriend! (Pretend I am holding my hand up for a future high five).

Third, triple super duper sorry about your name, my darling Sailor Moonshine. I lost a bet with your Aunt Caitlin once in college, and mama likes to keep her word.

You might be wondering what the point of this letter is. Listen, I’m not always going to be around. I know, I know, this goes against exactly what I’ve always told you, about having eyes on the back of my head and seeing all and knowing everything and being immortal and how I will never die, ever, even if there’s a fire, so you better clean your room now missy. Mommy was just lying to get you to do what she wanted. That was wrong of her, and she realizes this now. But yes, so, me: not actually immortal, probably going to die in some glorious way (almost definitely involving fire, ironically), and there are some wisdoms I thought I should pass down to you before that happens.

1. There is a secret menu at Chipotle. I am not even kidding you. No, sit down, keep reading—you can go check it out after you finish reading this letter. They have quesadillas. They also have quesaritos, which are burritos with a cheesy quesadilla shell. Use this knowledge well, sweetpea, and always carry antacids with you.

2. Always remember that you will die someday. Sorry, was that too heavy? I thought I’d ease into things with the Chipotle info, but I can see how this is too much too fast. Let’s put that wisdom nugget on hold and keep things light for now.

2 (for real). Flossing is just as important as brushing your teeth, you know. Don’t neglect flossing.

3. Always remember that you will die someday. I tell you this not to scare you, but to set you free. Life happens, and then it is over, and you are done. As the old ancient proverb goes, YOLO. Don’t be dumb about this. Don’t be reckless. Take care of yourself and your body (see: flossing). But more importantly: don’t live in fear. Don’t procrastinate when it comes to having experiences. You never know if you’ll get another opportunity for them. Most of my biggest regrets come from things I haven’t done. Take risks. You might make some mistakes. In fact, you almost definitely will. But that’s the beautiful thing about mortality: in a hundred years you’ll be dead, and those mistakes won’t matter. What is important is how you live, right here, right now.

I’ll end this now. I know you’re busy, sitting in your hoverbed, eating your Soylent Green, watching your holographic screen waiting to hear World President Blue Ivy Carter give her address about the Martian invasion, I want you to remember three things. (And yes, I realize this is my third list of three in this letter. It’s a rhetoric device. You would have learned about these in college if people hadn’t realized it was a giant money grubbing scam around the time you were born). First, remember you are loved, by myself and others. No matter where you are or whatever fights we might have, know that to be true. Secondly, the world sometimes changes faster than we know it. One second Adam Levine is Adam Levine, the next he’s People Magazine’s sexiest man of the year. Just roll with it. Lastly, Martians are allergic to water. I saw this in a movie once. I think it was a documentary. Yeah, it was definitely a documentary. I left a Super Soaker in my safety deposit box. That is my final gift to you.

I love you, chickpea. Good luck and Godspeed.

Love,

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Items At A Specialty Grocery Store

Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Mostly Virgin Olive Oil (has done some mouth stuff, but that's it)
Waiting Until Marriage Olive Oil
Experimented in College Olive Oil
Comfortable With Her Sexuality Olive Oil
Anything But That Olive Oil
Not Tonight, I Have a Headache Olive Oil
Trying to Put Her Wild Days Behind Her Olive Oil READ MORE

This Is Not A Mitford Eulogy

Yesterday, the last surviving Mitford sister, Deborah, Dowager Duchess of Devonshire passed away at the age of 94. If you don’t know who the Mitfords are, ALLOW ME TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE (or, let Nicole change your life with this primer circa three years ago). READ MORE

A Man Walks Into A Bar

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat at the bar, nods to the bartender, orders a Corona. The man is alone. He is the joke. READ MORE

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New U2 album automatically loaded onto iTunes, Nicki Minaj's Anaconda remains suspiciously absent. READ MORE

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Not Like Most Girls

I’m not like most girls. I don’t care about being beautiful. I mean, I am super beautiful. Like, magazine beautiful. But I don’t care about that. READ MORE