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On Unnecessarily Cruel Identifiers for Upcoming Trend Pieces

@teaandcakeordeath "It's the mouth herpes."

Kaitlyn, 29, whose own nuptial aspiration board on Pinterest is entitled "Ugh, I said I wouldn't and here I am" and who is failing at successfully recreating any of the Paleo diet pins she's collected, spends her evenings watching her sweatpants-clad boyfriend eat pints of ice cream and swear at his XBox and dreaming of the day she can put a ring on it.

Posted on January 28, 2013 at 3:24 pm 7

On Boyfriends' Mothers, "Compassion," and Les Misérables

@ANMC You guys are awesome.

Posted on January 25, 2013 at 4:41 pm 5

On Boyfriends' Mothers, "Compassion," and Les Misérables

@josefinastrummer I think they get enough real questions that they're not going to bother making fake ones up.

Posted on January 25, 2013 at 4:04 pm 4

On Boyfriends' Mothers, "Compassion," and Les Misérables

LW1: I was well into my 20s before I felt comfortable giving blow jobs. You are not weird, and your marriage is not doomed. Spend some time down there, with the lights on, not blowing but just exploring: how does he react to touch? How does it move? Smell? Learning to give head can be empowering and awesome, so don't be afraid! Also, if this isn't a thing you dig, then keep talking openly and honestly about what y'all *do* like.

LW2: I have no idea what you're talking about.

LW3: Your early 20s are a time for fucking up - your friends (and you) are doing just that. Cut out the people who are toxic, forgive the people who make mistakes, and resist the urge to say "I told you so" if shit goes south. These people may not be your friends 10 years from now, but they are now, so treat them right.

LW4: Hello, free lunch. Once a month or every six weeks is totally acceptable and you don't have to accept anything else. Ask her to run errands with you if you feel too unproductive at lunch, and get your boyfriend to host a lunch for her and you at your place.

LW5: Fuck, being lonely sucks, doesn't it? Keep being your awesome, independent, non-heroin-addicted self, and maybe add some new things into the mix that might lead to coupleship - online dating, asking your friends about their cute cousin, buying the hot guy at the bar a drink, etc. And rest easy that the folks who are okay with being single are much better off than the people who skip from dong to dong just to avoid being alone. TRUST.

*mic drop*

Posted on January 25, 2013 at 2:52 pm 11

On Boyfriends' Mothers, "Compassion," and Les Misérables

"Imperfect" "advice" from strangers, indeed.

Posted on January 25, 2013 at 2:36 pm 21

On Appity Rap, Rappity App

I get sort of a Deltron feel from this, and I don't not like it.

Posted on January 17, 2013 at 3:45 pm 2

On Long Distances, "Terribleness," and the Skin-Crawly Feeling

LW2: As a former 'Pin advice-getter, I know the tornado of DUMMMMP HIMMMM can be upsetting and overwhelming, so I'm just going to ask you to consider a couple things.

1. Sex should feel good. If your boyfriend is asking you to do things that don't feel good to you, regardless of how bangin' they make him feel, then you need to be upfront about it (which it sounds like you have been - kudos! That can be intimidating!). I know that BDSM often has some winding roads to feeling good, but remember: at the end of the day, pleasure is the point. If your sex leaves you feeling upset, then it's not good sex for you to be having.

2. Topping is a delicate balancing act of asserting control and being considerate. It's not code for "I'm the top, I do what I want." If your partner is using "topping" as if it's Manifest goddamn Destiny, he's being selfish, inconsiderate, and bad lay and a bad boyfriend.

3. If you decide to leave him - which I strongly encourage - rest assured that there are tops out there who will treat you right. And if you decide to stay - which, please don't, but humans, amirite? - at least tell him in no uncertain terms that, topped or not, BDSM or not, the power dynamic will hereby be shifting. Step outside the BDSM dynamic for a while until equilibrium is established. Until you feel cared for, and like an equal member of your relationship. And if he's unwilling to do that, after a traumatic sexual encounter? I know of several commenters who have flamethrowers and a T. rex on a leash.

Posted on January 11, 2013 at 4:54 pm 15

On Long Distances, "Terribleness," and the Skin-Crawly Feeling

@stonefruit Can a sex embargo please be called an embango?

Posted on January 11, 2013 at 4:34 pm 20

On Selective Empathy and "An Outlet for Maternal Feelings"

Man, I feel like LW1 is being vague about her endgoals, and that changes the dynamic so much.

If you're looking for sex, bang anyone. Bang the guy who delivers your burritos, if he's got those ropy forearms that drive you crazy. Bang officemates. Bang your downstairs neighbour. Whatever - you're just bumping genitals, you don't need a 401(k) for that.

If you're looking for dates/relationships, then married guys are actually too much hassle - they have to lie to their wives and they're often on a curfew, and if you actually like them, you're SOL, because your role as Girlfriend is being played this evening by Wife.

Go on dates with successful young men outside your social circle - I hear the internet is GREAT for this! - and expand your definition of "success" to include single young people who are running start-ups, who are in PhD programs, who Teach for America - guys who might not be able to take you to the Ritz right this second, but who are investing in their futures the way you have. Sprinkle these dates with single older men (divorcees, never-marrieds, etc) who fit your older/attractive/rich profile, and see what sticks.

And while it might seem easier to bang married dudes because they're pre-made in the mould you claim to desire, there's almost no way to take a relationship with a married man to the next level without taking apart your life or his.

Posted on January 4, 2013 at 3:36 pm 16

On POP ETC's Lovely "How Will I Know" Whitney Houston Cover

This is pretty much as if Solsbury Hill-era Peter Gabriel had covered Whitney, and I APPROVE.

Posted on January 3, 2013 at 12:01 pm 0