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The Best Time a Waiter Convinced Me to Not Get a Tattoo

When I was 17 I knew exactly the tattoo I was going to get when I turned 18. It was the best tattoo: delicate yet totally punk rock. It was going to be a red-and-black (or blue-and-black, that was still up in the air) nautical star on the inside of my wrist, with tiny red stars and black music notes going around the rest of my wrist like a bracelet. It was going to be so hot, and I could cover it with a thick cuff. Oh man, this tattoo was going to make me so cool. And then Tom DeLonge of Blink-182 would finally want to make out with me. What do you mean, "What does the tattoo mean?" It means I like music and I think nautical stars look cool. Do tattoos have to mean more than that? Whatever, I was convinced this tattoo was going to make me the coolest. But first I had to go to lunch with my mom. READ MORE

Qream Qocktail Qontest

If you ever do buy a bottle of Qream, be warned that it does not go away fast enough. It's like something out of a Goosebumps story: the bottle of rancid, liquid cotton-candy that magically refills when you're not looking! And then starts eating your pets! (Not really.) The only solution to this problem is to kill it in one night by inviting over all your friends and testing out some of the "official" Qream qocktail recipes, plus a few you make up on the spot after enough jello shots. (Sidenote: Why did I not think to ever make Qream jello shots?!) Consensus: Qream is the goddamn miracle fruit of liquor. READ MORE

Strawberry Qreamsicles

I currently own two of the three bottles of Qream I have ever seen in person. Is that a bad thing? No. What's a bad thing is that part of me actually likes strawberry Qream. Ahhh who am I? OK, it's not that it tastes good, more that it tastes...nostalgic? In that it tastes either like the Amoxicillin I had to take when I got chronic ear infections or strawberry Nesquik, both of which I loved when I was five. Come to think of it, there may be some correlation there. Anyway, after the last Qream-induced debacle the people spoke for recipes of the strawberry varietal, so it is for you, dear readers, that I gave another $24.99 (plus tax) to Pharrell and his Qrusade. READ MORE

Peach Qobbler

Qream! It's perfect, right? I mean, after two recipes with Qream substitutions that resulted in relatively successful edibles that weren't all that disgusting, we were starting to think that you could substitute literally anything for Qream and it would turn out great. Cream cheese? Qream cheese! Apple turnover? Qream turnover! Steak au poivre? Qream au poivre! The possibilities are endless. However, this is sadly not the case. Or, it may be the case. We just don't know, because WE MESSED UP. BIG TIME. And with a Paula Deen recipe, no less! (Sorry, Paula!) And we got a peach qobbler that basically looked like peaches bathed in butter and snot. Here's why! READ MORE

Peach Ice Qream

Having Qream in the kitchen is an incredible investment, something I think is necessary for any urbane household. It's a conversation piece ("I think that milk you poured into a cognac bottle went bad," says your neighbor. "No, that's just Qream, and it's absolutely supposed to look like that!"), and its smell will prevent your cats from ever jumping on the kitchen counter again. Mostly it's a motivator, because if you don't make more stuff with it you're just going to have this most-of-a-bottle-of-Qream sitting next to your espresso machine forever, and soon you'll be too afraid to even touch it and then THE QREAM HAS WON. So, armed with Qream and my favorite housewarming gift, we're cooking with Qream again. This time: peach ice qream with whipped qream. READ MORE

Qupcakes

Do you ever have one of those days when you're reading the Internet and all of a sudden there's an article on Qream and you're like, "holy shit I totally saw that in my liquor store on Sunday!"? And then you're strangely compelled to buy this stuff even though a) you hate cream liqueurs, b) you hate the idea of alcohol specifically marketed to women, and c) you have absolutely no idea what you'll do with it once you buy it? Let's say you had one of those days, and now you have this 750 ml THING of lactose-free peach whatever, and Pharell tells you that aside from pouring the whole thing in a martini glass and watching Lady Television you could make "pastries and cupcakes" with it. Challenge accepted. READ MORE