By RNL on Stock Characters for Trend Stories

Can I just say that my mom's stories about the free-love era put us to shame.

"My husband called me at my boyfriend's house. I was high oh mescaline and decided to go to medical school."

I mean, why buy the cow when she's giving all her milk to some other farmer who apparently has MESCALINE.

Posted on July 16, 2013 at 2:08 pm 14

By Judith Slutler on The Best Time I Accidentally Attended a Teenage Orgy

He showed up with the textbook and a box of condoms. I die.

Posted on July 15, 2013 at 4:33 pm 15

By sophia_h on Guess the Disney Movie

@squishycat *cough*

Posted on July 11, 2013 at 1:15 pm 4

By E on What Is Your Personal Garbage Music?

@Faintly Macabre That is a good friend. My boyfriend and I have a biannual conversation that goes something like, "I don't get how you can possibly enjoy this, its like the worst music. Worser than Justin Bieber, because at least Bieber knows he's in it to be a dirty whore, there's something pure about that I can respect. This woman thinks she's art when shes just the worst ever." and then he counters with, "I don't understand why you don't get the most deep soulful beautiful pure example of music and life, its like you are missing part of your soul, maybe you will never understand me." and then I say something along the lines of, "yes I do, you want to bone a ren-faire girl with a harp who has a pretend deep soul. Sorry I like beyonce more." And then he sighs at my hard heart and goes off singing his joanna songs quietly to himself, while weeping, and I stomp off and find a rare fern growing quietly in a grove to crush under my plastic flip flop.

Posted on July 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm 9

By E on What Is Your Personal Garbage Music?

@morose_delectation This seems like the right place to declare my seething HATRED for Joanna Newsom. Which was not so much a problem before I fell in love with a man who adores her with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. He'd kick me and his cat and his mother in the head to briefly press his lips to her lily white harpist hands.

In fact I didn't know how much I hated her till he took me to a concert and I wanted to claw myself out of my seat and run screaming down the aisle in front of all the fancy hipster celebrities and then we got into a huge fight that explored all our worst characteristics and I ruined his night of worship at the Joanna altar.

But I just. cannot. take. her. whole. thing. Her high squeaky voice. Her bullshit outfits and flower crowns braided into her long flowy blonde hair, her torturous lyrics that seem designed to prove to you that she knows the most renaissance words of everyone, her goddamn band mates who are all white nerd dudes named matt who just happen to have mastered some obscure fucking drum thing from some culture they traveled to in deepest [southern continent name here] from [indigenous peoples being eradicated by western capitalism name here] that they sincerely appreciate with a dedicated earnestness. And then the song itself is some 450 minutes long.

Here I picked a song and lyrics randomly:
"And as for my inflammatory writ?
Well, I wrote it and I was not inflamed one bit.
Advice from the master derailed that disaster;
He said "Hand that pen over to me, poetaster!"

ugh. gross. puke.

Posted on July 2, 2013 at 5:28 pm 6

By fondue with cheddar on

Thanks Jia, so does yours!

Posted on June 27, 2013 at 10:08 am 13

By theharpoon on Texas Senator Wendy Davis's Filibuster

@elenachicago More like the Ann Richards & Barbara Jordan Hall of Fame - as awesome as Tami Taylor is, there are lots of real life amazing Texas women.

Posted on June 25, 2013 at 10:16 pm 4

By halloliebchen on Naming a Kardashian in the 1800s

My money is on Khaleesi. Khaleesi Kardashian-West.

Posted on June 17, 2013 at 12:07 pm 22

By TheLetterL on Call the Dolphin

@redheaded&crazy ....and then batting it through a hoop with their snout

Posted on May 28, 2013 at 10:24 am 15

By fondue with cheddar on Paint Me Like One of Your Close Female Friends

-Walking out of the office bathroom you just stunk up, just as a coworker walks in...sexily
-Posting a sentence with a misplaced modifier, afraid everyone will judge you...sexily
-Misplacing a modifier AGAIN...sexily

Posted on May 23, 2013 at 11:25 am 7