On Interview with Filmmaker Izzy Chan: "Have we adjusted our expectations of what a man needs to bring to the table?"
@City_Dater I am a stay-at-home parent, and I am way messier/less troubled by mess than my husband, and yes, he had to adjust his expectations. He comes home to a messy house all the time. We have negotiated a situation now that works for both of us (which involved both of us making some adjustments). So it can go both ways, not always just the woman figuring out how to be more accommodating to the man. What is important in a situation with one parent working outside of the home and one in the home is that you come away feeling like both people are working equally hard. If a dude is sitting around playing video games, and that is why the house is a mess, that would suck and make me hugely resentful. If it was messy because he was so busy engaging with our children (sounds fun, but day in and day out it definitely becomes work), that is a different story.
@iceberg My lit prof husband is going to have an aneurysm when I show him this.
@iceberg Even more complicated feelings for me, as the parent of a child with a disability (five year old girl with autism). It hurts me that her mother seems to have a pretty disdainful attitude toward her differences, so I am having a hard time relating to them. I will say, for all parents, we are protective of our children, and it is like a million times more so when your child feels so vulnerable. I think this woman needs a guardian, but it seems she should have some say in who her guardian is (two parents who she is apparently estranged from should not be have a say in what is best for her). Can't she get a court appointed guardian, where she lives independently, but they check up on her and make sure things are running smoothly?
@Jaya Just feeling so much solidarity with my "enthic" J name sisters. Which I am very white (just have hippie parents), so it is particularly funny when people try to place my enthicity via my name. (Once in a job interview, FOR A GOVERNMENT JOB, they asked my the origins of my name, I said it was a middle eastern name, because my father is muslim, and they said "so are you legal to work in the United States?" OMG). But so many weird creepy pick up lines around my name! "Oh, that is so...exotic." Said like exotic has a particularly dirty meaning. Or they ask me what my name means, and it has a complimentary meaning relating to appearances, and they say "oh, that is a really fitting name for you" and I want to snort "You think you are the first person who whipped that cheesy line out?" So, stay strong, J sisters!
@yeah-elle That is interesting to think about and sad, as the family member of people with mental illness. It is very, very hard to know what the right thing to do to help is. My brother is...I don't know his official diagnosis, bipolar intermixed with some prescription drug abuse, it is a little hard to untangle. With his first psychotic episode, we all just babysat him until he was stable, and then he refused treatment after that (he is an adult). The second episode happened two years later, and we hospitalized him, and it was very traumatizing for him. But he did start getting help. Shortly after that, he had a manic episode and took too many pills, and my other brother took him to sit out in front of a hospital in case he needed medical attention, but didn't admit him because he so strenuously objected. I think the memory of the hospital has been a big factor in getting him to continue with his treatment. My mom also spent time in a psychiatric facility as a teenager (after a suicide attempt), and while from her description of it, it doesn't sound like a positive experience toward her mental health, I don't know what her parents should have done instead.
@darklingplain Oh my god, what a bastard.
@yeah-elle Hey fellow Cal person! I think it is in an environment like Cal that frequently challenges the underlying privilege of bro-liness that the dark underbelly of bro-dom is most often revealed as not just being fun-lovin' stoner dudes. Your definition below of a bro to me is exactly right. We must have known some of the same bros!
@iceberg My experience of bros was that they turn quite petulant the second their privilege gets challenged in anyway. I went to UC Berkeley, where there was a lot of radical activism (and yet a good little chunk of bro-y frat guys who were there because it was a good school with a good business program and/or they didn't get in somewhere else). And you could always count on some bro types shouting dumb jokes at activists taking part in any sort of action, and turning quite hostile if they were ever directly challenged about their privilege in class. Frankly, I always thought of George W. Bush as the quintessential bro - all the reporters said he was a guy you would want to have a beer with, but the second things didn't go his way he would turn into a petulant nasty little man.