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By antilamentation on "Lady/ Assaulted As Teenager/ Or Current Business"

John Smith picked up his post as he got home from his job as a marketer. He flipped through some leaflets for take out food, one credit card bill and then paused with a frown on his face as he came across a slim white envelope addressed to "John Smith, Being Stalked, Or Current Business."

"What the fuck?" He tore open the envelope to see that it was a promotional leaflet for a car wash. He glared at it for a moment, perplexed, and then tossed it with the other leaflets into the trash.

He knew about some of this stuff from work. "Someone got it wrong," he muttered to himself as he headed to the kitchen. "Fucking interns."

Two days later, he got home to another slim envelope, brown this time, addressed to "John Smith, Being Stalked in his own Neighborhood, And at Current Business."

Hands trembling slightly, he tore it open and extracted a leaflet advertising a local computer repair company. He pulled out his mobile phone.

"Hello, Computer Fix. We fix it for you. How can I help you today?"

"I got this leaflet in the post from you, and it's actually addressed to me, being stalked?"

"What? You're being stalked, sir? Online?"

"No! Your leaflet. It's addressed to me, and says I'm being stalked."

"If you're having trouble with an online stalker, sir, you need to contact the police. We can only fix your computer."

"No! Look, who's in charge of your marketing? Look, just put me through to a manager."

One pointless conversation later during which he managed to learn absolutely nothing, he jammed the phone back into his pocket and went to fix himself a stiff drink.

The third envelope was waiting for him a week later. This time it was a stiff rectangular cardboard one with a white adhesive printed label, addressed to "John Smith, On Suicide Watch, At Home or At Current Business."

Inside the cardboard envelope was a small, free sample penknife from an online company which sold knives and pocket tools. He swore and flung the whole lot into the trash.

After that the letters came everyday.

"John Smith, Seeking Help for Anxiety, At his MD's."

"John Smith, Still Being Watched, All the Time."

"John Smith, The Police Just Laugh, At You."

And so on.

He began to miss work on some days to wait for the postman. He would grab the letters before the postman could slide them into his mailbox, and then hurl them straight into his trashcan. And then later when he found he couldn't think of anything else, he would creep back, extract them, and read them fearfully.

"John Smith, Self Medicating with Alcohol, At Current Business."

"John Smith, Fired, From Work."

"John Smith, Treated For Paranoid Delusions, In Hospital."

"John Smith, RIP, At Home."

The last accompanied a brochure for a funeral home.

For once, it wasn't spam.

Posted on January 24, 2014 at 12:59 pm 6

By Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) on Friday Open Thread

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That's actually pretty good to know! I wasn't sure, and I guess I just assumed, and I made an ass out of me. But not u.

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 6:06 pm 1

By I'm Right on Top of that, Rose on Friday Open Thread

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)
Flowers are a good move, but you'll know it's serious when he sends you food. Or, I guess, that's what would make it serious for me. "Oh, you send me a bouquet of bbq ribs! How thoughtful, we are in love now."

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 5:51 pm 2

By Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) on Friday Open Thread

Okay so last week's FOT, I mentioned this boy I met at a party who I heard was interested in me, but that I never heard from.

So um, on Tuesday he sent flowers to my office? Yeah. Really nice ones. He was not messing around.

It was completely out of left field, and felt kind of weird, but he didn't mean it in a weird way, and it's like he's trying to buy me or anything. No one other than family members has ever given me flowers. It was kind of weirdly overwhelming, and like here I am getting all attached to material things but like... I don't know, it made me feel special.

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 3:48 pm 6

By iceberg on Friday Open Thread

This week with the Bergy Bits:

The Diva already calls The Clown "Boy" - "Stop that, boy!" "Eat your breakfast, boy!" - but the other morning she literally stood on top of him. I may be raising a misandrist.

Dimples is pretty adamant that she wants to see the dinosaurs the next time we go to the zoo. I tried explaining "Honey, they don't have dinosaurs at the zoo", but she just glowered and shouted at me "I see dinosaurs at zoo!"

Bergy Bits vocab:
"It's too fit!" - it's too small and doesn't fit.
"It's too reach!" - It's too far away, I can't reach it.
"It's too stick!" - these French fries are unfit for toddler consumption.

This morning:

"Diva, do you need fresh socks? You wore those ones yesterday."

"Yeah! They stinky! And smell like poop. It's nasty!"

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 3:10 pm 10

By rallisaurus on The Hobbit, Reviewed, Perfectly

As long as you assume this movie was an AU Hobbit fanfic it wasn't that terrible to see. And I actually liked all the elf action, I just hated most everything else.

Posted on December 16, 2013 at 9:31 am 1

By lemonadefish on Estate Jewelry: Millennial Octopi and The Perfect Handle for Your Parasol

@SarahP Definitely. Just show up and bare your neck. And bring some garlic, just in case it's all a ruse by vampires.

Posted on December 3, 2013 at 4:44 pm 2

By SarahP on Estate Jewelry: Millennial Octopi and The Perfect Handle for Your Parasol

If I HAVE the neck to pull off that necklace, SOMEONE should probably let me try it on, right?

Posted on December 3, 2013 at 4:38 pm 3

By juksie on Estate Jewelry: Millennial Octopi and The Perfect Handle for Your Parasol

Oh look, you've found my christmas list!

Posted on December 3, 2013 at 4:32 pm 7

By anachronistique on Estate Jewelry: Millennial Octopi and The Perfect Handle for Your Parasol

THE OCTOPUS EARRINGS

I NEED THEM

I CAN'T BREATHE

I

HELP

Posted on December 3, 2013 at 4:23 pm 9