@lalaura also, if *all* they are doing is running around hitting each other with foam swords, not necessarily in costume, and not going to ren faires etc, they may be part of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagorhir|dagorhir.] I don't know a lot about it, I guess during the actual events you are supposed to be dressed and in character, but most of the people in my college chapter didn't dress up for the practices at least, and the main draw was definitely the foam battles and not period role-play.
Enthusiastic polyamory did seem to be a shared interest with the SCA crowd, though.
This pie chart is my life, and I can't even blame alcohol.
The cuts and scars on my hands though, I can tell you a story about every one of those, and it's all the same story about how much I screw up while cooking.
@Terrifying Wife-Avatar I agree with this so much! The question is not "marriage or not," the question is "what do we want the shape of our relationship to be, and how do we make it that way?" and then you figure out along the way if marriage is part of that. And to me that letter sounds like the LW has one conception of what it means to be married, and her boyfriend has a totally different one, and they haven't figured out yet how to reconcile them. I don't even see the LW mentioning WHY he's not comfortable with marriage, just that he said he was but willing to try anyway, and then she started worrying. Talk to him! Understand his fears!
I would be the worst relationship advice columnist ever because all of my answers would be "talk to your partner! voice your concerns, listen to theirs! be respectful of their needs and vulnerabilities and expect the same respect from them. If you can't do that, find a therapist you click with and work with them until you can." copied-and-pasted over and over again and no one would read it.
no wait, there'd be some DTMFA sprinkled in because some people are clearly terrible.
@amitygardens@twitter Yeah, I get it. There are people who are squirrelly about how committed they really are, and it's an issue! But to me, the heart of the issue is commitment - I assume your sister wanted a level of commitment from her partner that she wasn't getting, and that he promised to give in the future, in the form of marriage. And then he didn't, because he wasn't actually being honest about his investment in the relationship, and she spent all that time not getting what she needed from it. If the conversation is repeatedly, "I want this from you," "Ok, you'll get it, eventually," without change, that's shitty.
I mean, if my boyfriend started telling me that wouldn't be happy in our relationship without marriage, we'd be having a lot of long talks about what marriage means to him, what he expects marriage to mean for our relationship, and what we can do to make sure his needs are met without actually having to participate in a legal institution I wish were radically different. Because I'm here, now. This is as committed as I get, there is no next step for me. I think that comes through pretty clear in how our relationship works, and my boyfriend agrees with me. I'm also totally ready to take advantage of the legal benefits for practical purposes if one of us gets terminally ill, or when we're old and seeing imminent need for inheritance benefits or something. But for now, while I can, I'd much rather be the change I want to see in the world.
My boyfriend doesn't have anything to wait for, is my point, (except for a higher tax liability and some legal privileges I wish were available to chosen families of many kinds anyway), and no one should have to if they don't want to! But as far as I can tell from this letter, this is the first time the LW's boyfriend has felt comfortable voicing his concerns, and that is the *beginning* of the conversation, not the end.
@Emby I am glad to see other people here who are interested in commitment but not marriage! Because I am 100% there - I do not want to participate in the institution of marriage, for a variety of political and personal reasons. But I love my boyfriend so much, and I think we have a great, solid relationship together, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I do not want to spend the rest of my life married. I am not "keeping my options open," I am defining what commitment means to me, in my life, on my own terms. And while he would be happy to be married to me, he's not too fussed about it because he's seen me demonstrate that commitment on a daily basis and he trusts me. If it turned out he was not ok with not being married and ended up breaking up with me over it, (and ONLY over that, marriage-as-a-legal-status being the dealbreaker and not some overall lack of trust or commitment), well, I'd be fucking devastated. And maybe willing to reconsider, if my only two options marriage with him or losing him completely. But also I'd be reconsidering the person I'm with, because, well, as it stands I cannot imagine him making that sort of ultimatum over anything so important to me.
More than once in "ask a married dude" columns I've seen answers that rely heavily on the idea that "I don't want to get married" really means "I don't want to get married to YOU". And these people exist for sure, but it takes more than an advice column letter to tell the difference between the people who just don't want to commit, and the people who want a different framework for their commitment, and it bothers me a lot.
Basically what I think LW1 needs is a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend about why he doesn't like the idea of marriage and why she thinks it's the only meaningful "next step." It doesn't have to be! And also, it still could be, with this guy. He might just need some time to adjust his feelings.
@rimy I agree that challenging your comfort zone is healthy! but I don't see any guarantee that my personal growth goals line up with what other people think is interesting, you know? And what it has to do with my instagram photos is a total mystery.
In fact, one of my major personal growth goals is to be less fixated on what other people think of me. Being comfortable with publicly boring the Scott Simpsons of the world is an important milestone on that path!
@Emmanuelle Cunt 'I just feel like step 1 of becoming a happier person is just to be like "yes i am boring, deal with it!"'
this has definitely been my personal experience. Like, my life right now is pretty boring. But this is the life I chose, and I like it. I worry about my boring-ness sometimes (usually when I'm scrolling through instagram and thinking "why don't I post more interesting instagram photos? oh right, because I am boring and have nothing interesting to take photos of," in fact), but that worry makes me a lot less unhappy than trying to push myself into "interesting" stuff I don't actually like. Turns out the point of my life is not actually to entertain Scott Simpson! Feel free to ignore me, bro. Strangers make me anxious anyway.
@synchronized this is the right place to link to the snowclone database, yes?
@professionalmess was definitely coming down here to say I'd seen hot chocolate on a stick on Pinterest
@Snowy Owl Love Killer hm, could it be Many Waters by Madeleine L'Engle?