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On How Little Exercise Is "Enough" Exercise?

@leon s No, s/he's right, it's too late for us to attempt to be worthwhile people. I might as well go back home to my couch and eat American cheese until the Reaper shows up with a forklift to take me to my well-deserved grave.

Posted on June 19, 2013 at 12:22 pm 8

On How Little Exercise Is "Enough" Exercise?

@fondue with cheddar "Big Fattie Sloth" is the name of my new hybrid marijuana crop.

Posted on June 19, 2013 at 12:13 pm 21

On How Little Exercise Is "Enough" Exercise?

Four minutes?!

I CAN DO ZAT!

Posted on June 19, 2013 at 11:33 am 23

On How to Enter Parties

AHH OH JESUS WHAT

Posted on June 18, 2013 at 11:33 am 9

On What Are the Consequences of Being Turned Away?

@frigwiggin And guess what's also linked to lower socioeconomic status? That's right, little Jimmy, it's obesity! So don't worry, poor women, you're fucked no matter what you do!

Posted on June 13, 2013 at 11:22 am 18

On A Guide to Eating Very Particular Feelings

Hairpin is absolutely killing it this week.

"...for hours or days there's a rustling in your rib cage as the complex structure destroys itself, unfolding and flattening, unfolding and flattening pleat by pleat."

Oh God. So painful and so perfect and so good. (And yes, that can only be fixed with all of the bread. Or possibly high-quality mac and cheese.)

Posted on June 12, 2013 at 4:19 pm 30

On "What's the Worst Thing That's Woken You Up in the Dead of Night?"

@Judith Slutler Something that occurred to me a few days later: I didn't (and don't) own a gun, but can you imagine what would have happened if I had?

Posted on June 12, 2013 at 2:42 pm 4

On "What's the Worst Thing That's Woken You Up in the Dead of Night?"

I used to share a rowhouse with another roommate in a tougher area of town. I was alone for a few days at one point, so I locked up the place as normal and went to bed. Woke up in the middle of the night to unfamiliar voices in the hallway, just outside my open door. They were talking quietly among themselves. My first thought was oh fuck, our luck's run out, we're being robbed and they've just now realized I'm here, if I move they'll kill me, I'll lie perfectly still and maybe they'll let me be and I can call the cops once they've left, fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck I don't want to die. So I lay there absolutely rigid under my covers for what felt like half an eternity while they chatted with each other at the threshold to my door. It wasn't until they started to take turns using the bathroom and quietly went to the other rooms that I realized I was probably not going to be murdered in my bed. I fell asleep an hour or two later, still wired up. The next day when I spoke to my roommate she said, "Oh, yeah! I had friends in town who needed a place to stay so I gave them the keys and told them to spend the night." "Why didn't you call me and tell me so?" "I didn't want to wake you up."

I moved out a few months later.

Posted on June 12, 2013 at 2:35 pm 5

On Six Fairy Tales for the Modern Woman

@commanderbanana Once upon a time, there were two women who had to share a table at a crowded food court. One woman ate a double cheeseburger with fries, and the other woman ate a salad with lite dressing. They each remarked briefly on how good the other persons meal looked, then sat happily together, enjoying every bite of their food and talking about Ryan Gosling.

Posted on June 11, 2013 at 3:32 pm 31

On Six Fairy Tales for the Modern Woman

Once upon a time, there was a woman who really, really wanted a hot dog, so she went out and bought one and ate it. And it was so delicious, she bought another one and ate it, and then she drank a cold lemonade and licked her lips and walked down the sidewalk, smiling.

Posted on June 11, 2013 at 3:15 pm 46