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On The Best Time I Got a Shrink-Wrapped T-Shirt and Thought It Was a Ring

@Andrew1981 The only thing that would make this comment better would be pushing your fingers into a running garbage disposal.

Posted on August 26, 2014 at 4:45 pm 0

On The Best Time I Got a Shrink-Wrapped T-Shirt and Thought It Was a Ring

I know that we* so often give guys a pass for being generally clueless about human interactions as they stomp and blunder their way through life, usually with a lady tiptoeing behind to sweep up the wreckage and make excuses, oh haha, he's just antisocial, haha you just don't understand his sense of humor, hahah I'm sure he didn't mean it, I'm so sorry, but what. the. fuck.

*we meaning society, the world, and the universe at large, but with certain and notable exceptions

Posted on August 26, 2014 at 4:44 pm 0

On The Best Time I Got a Bikini Wax

@sp8ce I would interpret that as super creepy, time for me to leave now.

Posted on August 25, 2014 at 1:26 pm 0

On The Best Time I Got a Bikini Wax

@jfruh I know, God, those pesky ladies - always doing what they want with their lady bits without running around polling every guy in the universe first as to what their preference is! How dare they do that without consideration for my boner first!

Posted on August 25, 2014 at 1:23 pm 0

On The Best Time My Name Appeared on a Bathroom Wall

@Cynthia Spencer "You have the right to have sex with whoever you want for whatever reason" is actually kind of a terrifying sentence.

Posted on August 25, 2014 at 1:17 pm 0

On The Best Time Someone ... Surprised Me on a Subway Platform

Oh Jesus. I take the Metro but usually only during rush when the ratio of crazy people to commuters is lower, but I usually either pretend I'm deaf or that I don't speak English, which actually works, but I recommend practicing it beforehand so you're convincing.
Although once I did that to a guy who was asking for money at the station where I get off, and he followed me for a block ranting about how I don't speak English but I probably have a good job and he can't get a job, etc. etc. So, YMMV, that's all I'm saying.

Posted on August 25, 2014 at 9:41 am 0

On On Hair, There and Everywhere, and Intra-Cultural Shame

I want to know what happened afterwards - like, did she confront the email writer? Show it to the dude?

WHAAAAA HAPPENNNNN

Posted on August 21, 2014 at 1:32 pm 0

On Never Bring Your Boyfriend to Brunch

Ugh, seriously, I have That One Friend who is constantly springing SURPRISE BOYFRIEND on us, and it sucks. If you do this to your friends, stop it immediately.

Posted on August 21, 2014 at 9:41 am 0

On On Hair, There and Everywhere, and Intra-Cultural Shame

@Green I prefer pushing your face slowly through a garbage disposal.

Posted on August 21, 2014 at 9:33 am 0

On Female New York Post Writer Feels Differently Than Other Women

Welp, this is disgusting. This makes me want to follow Doree "Chaff-For-Brans" Lewak around with bins filled with ice water and pigeon droppings and periodically drench her with them. "Oh I'm sorry! I just assumed by your confident strut and significant eye contact that you WANTED the ice cold water and pigeon droppings poured over you, because that's how I catcall ladies."
Also, Doree "My Brain May Be Made of Spam, We Just Don't Know" Lewak, those hunky Israeli construction workers you're referring to would have been, you know, enslaved. So fuck you too.

Posted on August 19, 2014 at 12:15 pm 3