@fondue with cheddar I know, but, I mean, low libido isn't just a lady problem. A lot of dudes who try to get referrals for testosterone therapy complain about the exact same thing! They can get it up, they enjoy sex on the infrequent occasions they want it, but...they just don't want it. Or they want it extremely infrequently. And it's something they want to fix.
It's not that this line of pursuit shouldn't be a thing--it should!--but the sexist assumptions underlying a lot of the research and reporting are tremendously flawed and damaging. You know?
@Briony Fields Well, "female viagra" is...just viagra. It works for ladies as well as for dudes. But it only works if your issue is physical. Which happens! Because, you know, vaginas aren't just holes for dudes to stick things in! They're organs that can malfunction on occasion! (Not that you'd know from medical reporting that assumes all female dysfunction must be mental in origin.) Turns out lots of older ladies are like "I want to have sex, but my vagina won't get with the program!", and the little blue pill helps them the same as it helps dudes whose dicks won't get on the sex-bus without an assist.
Ugh. The idea that "female viagra" has to be something that makes women want to have sex because obvs that's the default lady-problem needs to die in a fire.
@angermonkey I think, objectively, it's a pretty gender-neutral thing. Like, you reach a certain point in your life, you should have a phone number/mailing address/bank account/whatever. Some level of access to normal-human-being methods of communication and goods-exchange should be in play.
But culturally, I think we've got a lot of dudes running around with the idea that it's okay for a chick not to have any of that, so long as they find her attractive, and not so many ladies running around with the idea that it's okay for a guy not to have any of that, even if they find him attractive.
@angermonkey "though ladies for some reason get a pass it seems"
The culture normalizes the infantilization and passivity of women a lot more than it does the infantilization and passivity of dudes, would be my guess.
@LydiaBennett I'd kind of view it as a pretty good litmus test, though. Like, the dude losing his fucking mind and turning emotionally abusive because he's not bringing home the bacon? Probably not a good dude. Probably the sort of dude you don't want to find yourself, say, financially dependent on if you lose your own job or if you want to stay home for baby's first year or if you get sick or hit by a car or whatever. Probably not the sort of dude you'd want to get super-dependent on having rational, constructive responses to any of life's common adversities, really.
@MoxyCrimeFighter I'm inclined to give him the side-eye, but I'm guessing there's also a huge generational component to it. Like, he was clearly into being a dad and was a very involved parent.
The default model at the time they made these decisions was very "mom looks after the kids, dad gets to check out because working for money is hard." If you still think that's an okay model, you're not necessarily going to think it's so horrible to just swap who does the emotional work of actually caring for the kids.
@RoyRogersMcFreely I don't know. I got more of a "look at this woman who never even wanted her kids, but even she didn't go so far as to hire a nanny or refuse to have two, what the fuck is wrong with you?" vibe off it.
@themegnapkin I dunno. If you so much as hint that you're not 10,000% in love with everything about your children and maybe wish you hadn't had them, a loooooot of people will react like you just said you're looking for a convenient dumpster to leave them in. If she's been shooting straight with people about the fact that she wishes she hadn't had them for a couple decades, the "NO I DO NOT WANT TO MURDER MY BABY" thing might well be reflexive at this point.
@Snowy If you made a play and got a "maybe," if it hasn't turned into a "yes" within a couple of weeks, you should probably act like it's not going to and try to move on. Start putting your energy into looking for better prospects. If they come around to yes in the meantime, great! If not, you're way less likely to feel resentful or like you've lost something because of them.
@highjump You kind of have to treat it like a habit you're trying to break.
Decide on limits that won't disrupt your work/social lives too badly, pay attention to what you're doing, and stick to them. Like, if you're always texting them, limit yourself to one text per day. If they're your go-to for work stuff, make a point of seeing if you can sub in another coworker. If you're always doing stuff for each other, make a point of going to other people and bowing out of stuff they ask you to do.
Actually recording what you're going to do and where you're at with that would probably help. You want to dial it back to normal friendship-levels from the near-dating levels it's at, but something like that is kind of like a gas, expanding to fill available space. It's easy to lose track of how deep you are when you're in it, which is why people recommend a clean break for a while. If you don't go that route, you have to be more aggressive about policing your own behavior to get where you want to go.