Small town dude moves to big city.
Thank you so much for writing this - it resonates for all the right (wrong) reasons.
We consistently fail young women—all women—by tacitly relying on them to learn from each other, or from their experiences, which of the people in their communities they can and cannot trust.
I think about this a lot in terms of local subcultures - how word gets passed around, particularly in punk or activist communities, about who to avoid. & then, of course, the professional networks - in my field, stories are certainly told about particular academics or people in administrative/financial positions of power. Young employees, usually women, are the keepers of this information. Carefully disseminating it on a "need to know" basis. These people rarely lose their power, instead we're taught how best to tiptoe around them.
(And kudos to the Hairpin team for excellent content lately. It was a pleasure to dust off my password to make my first comment in some time!)
@sdguy A relationship doesn't have to be non-consensual to be abusive, for one party to take advantage of the other, to create long-term emotional damage, etc etc. The author shared her own very personal story, about a professor who initiated an inappropriate with his student (many times, apparently) and who made forceful advances on her when she was intoxicated. If you have no sympathy for her based on your own experience, I guess that's fine for you; but you are not the author and you're not qualified to invalidate HER experience, just as she would have no business assuming you're a victim without knowing yours. You're being rude and dismissive.
Male victims of abuse are indisputably under-represented in narratives about rape, abuse, and harassment, but a) a woman sharing her story of abuse (whether or not you think it qualifies) does not delegitimize the stories of male abuse victims, and b) the author is very literally talking about a group of specific men. She shared a story with other women in her field, and they all shared stories about men who abused them. It's not a sweeping statement, that men are always the abusers and women are always the victims. It's an extremely literal 'they'. And even if it wasn't, there doesn't need be a "not all men" disclaimer if we're talking about abusers -- of both men and women!
For someone who is supposedly sticking up for abuse victims, your nit-picking over what constitutes rape or abuse or harassment makes me think you're a terribly poor ally for a man who has been abused, considering how many men and boys do try to speak about their experiences and are totally dismissed.
@tofuswalkman - I'm not trying to be a troll, but I think that this is a little deeper than rape culture, I think it's about imbalance and sexual power when it used for predation instead of pleasure... and I think that if you don't believe that men worry about their partners misusing sexual power, you are vastly uninformed. While I am in no way trying to deny or devalue the experience of women, men ARE victims of this type of predation that this article talks about, and how can I stop worrying about half of the population when it will take ALL of us to stop this? Why purposefully make this conversation divisive and exclusionary, when the very point it tries to make is that until we talk about things like this, wholly, openly and without judgment, this problem won't get resolved?
I AM LUCKY THAT ALL OF YOU READ ME FOR SO LONG AND MY DOG AND I WILL C U IN NYC IN LIKE A MONTH
Fuck you, Jia. Why you gotta be so rude? (miss u already)
By ragazza on Trends Men Hate
I once styled and wrote a fashion piece for a major city paper. One guy took the time to find my email address and write me a note, which started out "I may be a guy and not know anything about fashion, but . . . " and then proceeded to tell me how stupid my looks were. Well, I can say he was right about not knowing anything about fashion.
By Jia Tolentino on Trends Men Hate
@Danzig! which one do u hate the most
By cordovan sofa on Armpit Hair?
The "science" of this article is...not so science-y. Like a lot of stuff that masquerades as evopsych, it seems to pretty much exist to post-justify contemporary social norms. And speaking personally as a woman who has had armpit hair my entire post-puberty life, nobody has ever reacted with disgust. If they've commented at all, it's been to say it's rad. Much like other supposedly horrifying things like visible bra straps or having my sexual partner realize I'm on my period, I forget it's even a thing except when I see anguished teen magazine pieces about it.
By allyb on Armpit Hair?
For a gendered phenomenon, this is an incredibly non-gendered analysis. If pit hair triggers disgust of sex, why don't men shave? A simpler explanation might be that lack of pit hair is a marker of femininity in our culture, so deviations from that disrupt our sense of what a woman is supposed to look like.