Luna! Haha, I win. I wiiiin.
I agree. Some people want all the attention and use their sexuality to get it, even if they don't actually want to start an affair with the person in question, just the attention, and even if it's destructive to people around them. Heterosexual women, in particular, I think, can be vulnerable to being treated as "just a girlfriend" by other men or women who have a connection with their boyfriend -- different gradations of not in the know, an appendage, etc etc.
When we were dating my husband had a female friend like that -- she liked to whisper things about her sexual escapades in his ear in front of me but just to him, and hug him in a really full-body way, and avoid eye-contact with me. She liked to play with the boundary of what was okay without (she thought) crossing it - she had this idea of being a parisian "bohemian." And he and I are pretty laid-back, we both enjoy having our friends of all genders and are both pretty independent about it, but eventually she crossed the line for us when she invited him to a party but theatrically "forgot" to invite me, and later on criticized me to him in my absence in a way that he felt was not right (he spared me the details). That's the point at which he stopped speaking to her. Jealousy does exist, but so do people like this, and at least a tinge of that seems to be happening in LW3's case.
@Quinn A@twitter Yeah, I think it's hard to really know what's happening exactly-- but to me, it's perfectly fine to be closer to one person and talk mostly to them, but if you meet their partner you should at least make a friendly effort to get to know them, and include them in conversations when it makes sense to do so. The 'eye contact' bit of the sentence makes it sound like the girl is actively leaving her out of the conversation when she's sitting right there, which is real rude.
@lunaesque EX.ACT.LY. Um....this girl sounds unstable, tbh. I fully agree with some of QC's notions about girlfriends not being their boyfriend's only priority etc, but let's get real here: it sounds like LW3 has legitimate concerns after feeling ignored by a lady who sounds like a narcissist. LW3, you did a great job with being honest and communicating openly with the two of them.
@Slapfight I keep thinking too that QC is acting like the only type of intimacy is sexual intimacy. Yes, there's no risk of them having sex here, but watching your significant other become really emotionally intimate with someone who ignores you every time you're around can do a number on you too. And yeah, as adorable-eggplant said, in any relationship you have to understand each others boundaries and be willing to work with them, both ways.
Re:LW # 3, Oooh, a gorgeous gay lady who announced she wanted to be Best Friends with my guy after the very first time she met him, largely ignored me when the three of us got together, drunk dialed him, and sent him souvenirs when she went away on trips? Oh, and lost her Last Best Guy Friend because she wanted him to be s sperm donor over the objections of Last Best Guy Friend's lady? This sounds like a Toxic Trouble-making Lady to me.Somebody who uses her gayness as an excuse to run all roughshod over the normal boundaries of relationships. I don't think your imagination is running wild here.
I think if this was a GUY acting like this, you would also be wondering if he was coming on to your man (announcing they should be best friends after one meeting? Ignoring you? Drunk dialing him? Souvenirs?) This lady is over the top, and not in a good way.
Maybe you didn't try hard enough to talk everything out with your guy, but I can't tell that from your letter.You say, " I spoke to both of them about my discomfort as honestly as I could, but after nothing changed it eventually became too much for me." So, it sounds like you DID try to talk things out.
I personally think you have to do what you have to do to protect your primary relationship, and the right thing to do was for your guy to COOL IT. I don't see that you did anything wrong here. (P.S. My "deleted by user" post was due to misspellings, sigh, so forgive my spelling errors.)
By adorable-eggplant on Coming-Out Technology, Exiting the Girlfriend Zone, and the Lesbro Conundrum
@Jaya Getting the cold shoulder in mutual hang-outs would set off alarm bells for me too. Jaya's advice about being upfront is really good (also, would I want someone who ignores me to help build a dresser? No, probably not) and it really can be as simple as asking for a few hand squeezes.
I'd add that you (the LW) should be gentle with yourself about your feelings around this. Women get a lot of subtle/not so subtle messages (including in this response from QC) that they need to be more 'chill' and 'accepting' and less 'crazy' or 'petty' etc. But if you are in a relationship with someone and they doing things that make you uncomfortable that's not an OK state for a relationship. So, don't twist yourself into knots to be the girl who laughs it off when people hit on your boyfriend (or attempt to make inappropriately sudden 'deep' connections). It may be that you will want to be in a relationship with someone who has similar boundaries to yours (or who is able to be reassuring in the hand-squeezing way that Jaya mentions above): if that's what you want, don't make yourself settle for a situation/relationship were you are uncomfortable because everyone tells you that would be the 'cool' thing to do.
That last answer really is the best.
@leonstj I'm a writer and anytime I've gotten positive feedback like that, it's made my day. So, it might feel weird, but I think you should keep doing it.
By leonstj on We're All Jerks
The weird thing is how strange it is to not be a jerk.
Like, I am trying to be a nicer dude in general, cuz I'm sarcastic and negative too much. And so, once way earlier in the year, I emailed a few online blog editor/writers I like and just tell them "Hey, I like what you write! Thank you!"
I'm not a writer or anything looking for a freelance leg-up, and I don't do any kind of anything that anyone is ever going to write about or I'd need good PR - I'm just a guy that works a job, a total consumer - and it just feels so weird to write nice things to strangers for no reason at all.
I think sometimes maybe it's extra-weird because I'm a dude and some of the people I want to be like "Hey! I think you are awesome!" to are ladies who are strangers, and there's a whole thing there & I totally get why that would maybe make them uncomfortable, and that's kind of a bummer, but I get it (haha editors of this weblog you two would have gotten letters last week if I wasn't always terrified of seeming like a weirdo for this reason) but even with like, other dudes whos writing I really enjoy, it's the same thing.
Why is it so weird for adults to send other adults fan letters? I feel like if I did a creative thing, there is nothing I would like more than some person saying "Hey, I liked that thing you did. Specifically the part about the otters (or whatever, it isn't always about otters.)"....and yet, it feels so alien to write, it might end up feeling creepy or like "What does this person want?"
Ugh, I'm not a hippie or anything (I don't like hippies, I enjoy being jaded and making jokes and making fun of things) but it's such a total bummer that most negativity isn't just in jest but is for real straight up negative-ness and greedy and shittiness and that being mean is just so much easier than being nice.