My solution to the fruit fly problem: after clearing out any food in the apartment and cleaning the toilets (why are they so disgusting jesus) grab a spray bottle of Tilex and hunt the fuckers down one. By. One.
Your apartment will smell like bleach for a while (I only do this in the bathroom, but if there isn't any food anywhere else it's usually enough), but it's so viscerally satisfying to watch the bastards die.
I had Samantha! Not because I felt all superior but because I read a lot of A Little Princess when I was a kid and the pornographic descriptions of Sara's Victorian-rich-kid doll and all her Victorian-rich-kid clothes made an enormous impression on me.
The only things I really remember about her books were that maids were not allowed to be pregnant and NEVER WORK IN A FACTORY because the machines WILL RIP OFF HALF YOUR SCALP. And something about ice cream, I think.