1) You are fried and in a sandwich.
2) You swam around the ocean and other schools of fish stared at you because you’re not conventionally attractive, even in the fish world.
3) You tried to grow a mustache but you just grew more whiskers instead.
4) You work in marketing at a non-profit devoted to the elimination of the derogatory term “bottom feeder.”
5) Your grandma is 9 years old and you’re really starting to worry about her health.
6) You try to talk to girls but all that comes out is a “glug, glug, glug."
7) You set off fireworks and have a barbeque on every June 25, since Ronald Reagan declared that to be National Catfish Day in 1987.
8) You brag about the time you were almost caught by a fisherman, but realized the fly was fake right before you bit it.
9) You’re jealous of your cousin who won the contest “Who Wants to Live in an Aquarium,” hosted by noted goldfish Ryan Seacrest.
10) You tried to go on OKCupid to create a fake profile to lure in unsuspecting females, but you ran out of oxygen and died before you could even upload a photo.
Cara Weinberger is a writer and comedian living in Brooklyn. You can follow her on twitter @caraweinberger.