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Things I Could Have Said to Connie Britton When She Came Into My Coffee Shop the Other Day

"Is your coat from Anthropologie or does it just look like it is?" READ MORE

The Marriage Plot vs. Twilight vs. the World

Disclaimer: light spoilers throughout!

There comes a time in your life — like, sometime between learning how to walk in heels and realizing you’ve been pronouncing the word “dilettante” wrong for years — when you’re the only person who hates a book that’s (almost) entirely celebrated, or vice-versa. It's embarrassing and makes you think you’re missing something, and every time you talk about it you feel like the literary equivalent of John Mayer boasting about having a "hood pass," but you keep getting into these loud, drunken debates about said book at parties like a total jerk until your friends get sick of inviting you to parties and finally you to Take To The Internet.

Guys, today I’m going yell about The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides, because I couldn’t stand it. There. I said it. Just to recap, Eugenides’ credentials versus mine:

Jeffrey Eugenides has:

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How to Get Over Someone

- Get bangs
- Start a cockfighting ring
- Have a Roomba autonomous vacuum cleaner transplanted where your heart should be
- Google “little debbie zebra cakes nyc but where??”
- Delete ex’s number
- Throw cell phone into active volcano
- Every time you catch yourself thinking about ex, force yourself to stop by thinking about something else (He always smelled like chocolate chip cookies and I miss the way he used to look at mSTRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube)
- When shopping with friends, tell them you’re looking for a sundress that says “Fuck you, I look fucking hard as shit”
- Call a bunch of gyms to compare monthly membership fees, crunch some numbers, lose the piece of paper, eat a Zebra Cake
- Rebound with someone who says things like “I was really proud of my Tweet about bottle service”
- Get a dog
- Put a dog up on Craigslist under "free stuff"
- Post something super friendly and casual on ex’s Facebook wall, like:
HI
whathwahthwahhtat
aaaaaaarghaog2eyq3
help
feelings
I’m
WHHHYYYYY
how
are
your parents?
Pooping
fuuuuuuuUUUUUU
- Feel better, sort of
- Feel better!
- Run into ex
- Repeat READ MORE

People You Might Not Want to Have Casual Sex With

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