Holy Mountain Of Nachos

Once I got stoned alone and made the mistake of putting on Alejandro Jodorowsky’s surrealist acid trip of a film, Holy Mountain. I had watched it a million times before and didn’t think it would be a big deal. If I had some sort of spiritual experience watching it while on the influence of cannabis, that sounded fine! Sadly, that was not the case. When I saw the scene where a perverted old man pops out his fake eyeball and gives it to a young girl, I began to have a full-on freak out. I texted my friend, told him about my dire situation, and he replied, “What if this is how you die?” READ MORE

Bloodfeast Blondies

Gather ‘round, my Bleeding Beauties. For the first time here on Bloodfeast, we’re making a dessert! Yes, this B has finally made you something SWEET. I know you’re probably like, “Boo, you whore. Isn’t eating sweets while you’re on your rag a total stereotype for a reason? BECAUSE IT’S TRUE? How dare you make us wait this long.” My apologies; I am so selfish. I’ve got SUCH a salt tooth. I swear on my Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) DVD that we’ll get down with some real chocolate treats in the future. In the meantime, let’s get horny over these butterscotch blondies. READ MORE

Ain't No Fun If A Girl Can't Have None

In the beginning of the year I made a list of goals. At the top of the list: learn the choreography from one of Aaliyah’s music videos—either More Than a Woman or the baby cackle-sampled, Are You That Somebody. READ MORE

Bloodfeast: Breakfast Pizza Hack

Welcome, welcome, my menstruating wizardesses. A few things first. I’ve heard some news that Pantone’s most recent choice for “Color of the Year,” marsala, resembles period blood. If that’s the case, I’m hoping this trend continues in the future and we get “Maxi Pad White” and “Tampax Box Blue.” Aside from that, I’ve been jotting down all of my fantasy tangibles on my Chrismukkah wishlist. I’d like one of those all-over print pizza onesies, but one made out of the finest cashmere. Do those exist? I just want pizza to keep me warm. READ MORE

Bloodfeast: Scary White People Tacos

Happy Horrors, my sisterwitches of The Mystical Menorrhea! How’s everyone’s ovaries doing? Me and mine are preparing for All Hallow’s Eve celebrations. I’m thinking about finally dressing up in the costume I’ve wanted to since the late 1990s–a box of tampons, like Kelly Macdonald’s character did in the movie Splendor–but alas, that might be too obvious. Still, I just want to pay Halloween homage to our cherished Female Curse! READ MORE

Thrift Store Wigs, Absolutely No Heart: The Brittany Murphy Story

Lifetime has recently been focusing on biopics instead of their usual awesomely bad cyberseduction-forbidden-priest-romance fare. Last year, they released The Anna Nicole Story; despite a decent cast (Adam Goldberg, Cary Elwes) and this shot of Martin Landau as J. Howard Marshall, the film fell flat. So far, this year we'll see The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Movie, an unauthorized Aaliyah flick to look forward to (or fear), and a Whitney Houston movie directed by none other than Angela Bassett. READ MORE

Cutting Through The Aquanet Fog: The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story

Image courtesy of Lifetime

Saved by the Bell was a Saturday morning gem for those of us who grew up in the nineties. Watching Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and Co. participate in ridiculous, over-the-top hijinks became a happy routine for tween me. Saved by the Bell prompted two spinoffs, Saved by the Bell: The College Years and Saved by the Bell: The New Class, yet none were as successful/awesome as the OG (but yes, I did watch them all.) Now as an adult, the series invokes an unparalleled sense of wistful nostalgia.

Twenty-five years later, SBTB is still a gem in a Saturday-morning-show-nostalgia-crown. Newer fans who were too young to experience SBTB during its original run are still familiar with Jessie Spano’s (Elizabeth Berkley) infamous caffeine pill freakout episode, perhaps via gifs reblogged over and over again on Tumblr. There’s a podcast dedicated to deconstructing every single episode hosted by comedian April Richardson. The characters’ outfits are worshipped to this day. There’s even a theory that Bayside High was all just a St. Elsewhere-like dream.

Now Lifetime, the bearer of all that is sacred in scandalously dramatic reenactments, has added a true gift to the SBTB canon: The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story.

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Bloodfeast: The "Ragwood" Sandwich


Bloodfeast: “My Uterus Is Listening to the Cramps” Mac and Cheese

Greetings, my Blood-shedding Sisters of the Red Moon. Today we are going to make a very special macaroni and cheese dish that will magically get rid of your menstrual cramps. Just kidding! It won’t get rid of them, but it might make you feel better and a ‘lil carb cozy while watching some Lifetime Original Movies—or LOMs, as I like to call them. Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? READ MORE

Bloodfeast: The Nutella Bacon Burger

"Bloodfeast" is a new period foods-themed recipe column. READ MORE