By Bebe on Assumptions
My mother sent me a text that said, "Call me. I am at home." So I immediately assumed that my father was dead, of course.
She just wanted to say hi.
You're definitely gonna shit yourself when you die, though.
By Bayou on Assumptions
every escalator is actively trying to eat my shoelace, proceeding upwards to foot/leg/torso, etc. Mostly I would be so paralyzed by embarrassment if this happened that I would probably just let it proceed. Also, anytime I forget where my keys are it means Alzheimer's is around the corner.
@Kristen Thank you for writing this. I have been equally jealous/suspicious with past boyfriends, and it is a really difficult thing to supress. I am not a girl that hates other girls, but I have been cheated on and back in those days I was also quite insecure, so the tightly supressed jealously would just eat me up inside for days and lend lots of dark drama to my everyday existence.
However, I am currently in my first mature, healthy, equal-love, adult relationship, and magically, I do not feel that gnawing suspicion or jealousy anymore - I guess once you truly trust your partner and once you feel confident(er) with who you are, those feelings dissipate.
I would like to add that sometimes jealousy/suspicion is justified, though. It's not always an irrational feeling. Sometimes the dude IS cheating on you! It seems like a bunch of people are jumping on that "girl, don't be jealous" bandwagon, which I totally support, but let's also make it clear that sometimes people *can* be cheats and liars. Hopefully not in this case, though.
@fabel LW1&3 I don't know if this is helpful or not and maybe it makes me seem like a terrible girlfriend, but anyway, here goes.
In all of my previous relationships, I was a hideously jealous person, and also hideously ashamed of my jealousy. Partly from insecurity, partly from a history of previous boyfriends cheating. And to make it worse, I was so invested in being a Cool Girlfriend that I never would tell my boyfriends that I was jealous; I just funnelled all that energy into obsessive internet stalking and secret letter writing and the late-night composition of angry soliloquies I never delivered. It was a miserable trap, because on the one hand I knew I wasn't justified in how I felt, and I was ashamed at how petty and insecure those feelings made me seem... but on the other hand, I FELT IT. It ate up my heart, and I gritted my teeth and tried to smile my way through "casual hangs" with these girls, all the while feeling like I was going crazy and wanted to die. Because I was too proud to admit that I was jealous, I ended up ending several short-term relationships prematurely because it was easier to to be single than to go on feeling that way.
When I met my current boyfriend, I kicked off the same cycle with one of his closest friends. He swore they were platonic, but she was kind of mean to me when we first met, and that was all it took. For some reason, though, this time instead of pretending I was fine for a few weeks until my head exploded and we broke up, I just told him. I said: "I am really jealous of that girl. I know there isn't any basis for it, but that's how it is. I can't hang out with her. You can, but I can't." From then on, I excused myself from any gathering where I thought she might be present. When he was out with her, I'd stay home and drink a lot and feel sad. My boyfriend knew how I felt, but I did my best to always frame it as about me, not him, and not to make any demands on him other than to let me know if she was going to be around. It was kind of humiliating - I felt as if I was letting him know about a kind of embarrassing illness -- but at least, finally, my jealousy was out in the open.
Why this isn't the greatest story or the proudest moment of my life is that this did end up affecting their friendship for a while. He was my new boyfriend and wanted to hang out with me, which meant he ended up seeing her less. To this day, I'm probably not her favorite person. I think the fact that there were no ultimatums and that they were free to see each other when they wanted helped to defuse the "forbidden fruit" syndrome, but another guy might have a different reaction.
On the other hand, though, after a few months went by, and our relationship solidified, my jealousy just kind of...went away. That might seem like no big deal to more naturally Cool Girlfriends, but for someone who was crippled with jealousy for a really long time, it was kind of a miracle. I'm fine hanging out with her in a group now (though maybe I do spend a tad more time on my hair when I know she's going to be at a party) and when my boyfriend goes out with her, I drink happily on my couch while enjoying Supernatural marathons instead of out of a deep, existential misery.
I guess what I'm saying is, jealousy sucks, and it can be humiliating to admit to, but sometimes you need to admit that the image you have of yourself in your head doesn't quite match up with the actual, flawed person you are; ask the person you love for help, and go from there.
@freelee I don't get jealous when my dude says other girls are hot (in fact, I like it and it turns me on), or when he is good friends with them (the more rad friends the better), but I DO get jealous when he admires another girl's singing voice. Like, green-eyed, sulky, fantasies-about-stabbing-people jealous. The simple reason is because, while I'm very confident about my looks and my personality, I'm a little bit insecure about my musical ability. It's like, the chink in my natural-confidence armor!
@freelee a friend of mine sent me some notes from a lecture she went to about jealousy that were really, really helpful. Basically the idea is to stop thinking about jealousy as an emotion and start thinking about it as a cluster of feelings. Sometimes it comes from insecurity that you aren't good enough for your partner, sometimes it comes from someone or something taking your loved one's time away from you. Sometimes it is fear that someone else is providing something you aren't. It can be a whole host of fear/anger/sadness/envy/etc. I think breaking it down that way is really, really helpful because then you can address exactly what is causing this feeling rather than trying to suppress the feeling itself.
@Anne Helen Petersen HELLO GIRL ON THE HAIRPIN
I AM NIGERIAN PRINCE AND HAVE A FORTUNE TO TRANSFER TO THE AMERCAS
I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ON A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT AT FANCY STEAKHOUSE SO WE CAN DISCUSS COURTSHIP AND GOLD
DO YOU ACCEPT Y/N
LW1: I was the other girl once! The begirlfriended dude and I were definitely each others' only friends for several months in a new town and i was totally infatuated. It was totally silly and shameful and I kind of moped around about it a lot at the beginning but guess what? The girlfriend showed up and she was so, so great, aaaaand my feelings for the guy just kind of disintegrated at that point. And it makes sense - this guy I liked so much had chosen a girlfriend who was also a lot like me, us, whatever. It was weird for like one night and there were shots and staring, it's true, but eventually we all traveled together several times, I visited them in yet another town a year later. Happy ending!
Sort of, because they broke up a little while after that and despite successfully maintaining real, true, close friendships with each of them, now I'm only friends with the girlfriend. She really was, is, so amazing. And we've never explicitly discussed The Early Feelings I'd like to forget but I'm sure we will someday.
@fabel Yup. She is trying really really hard to be The Cool Girlfriend, and it just isn't working.
I actually have a lot of sympathy with her, and I'm wondering why her boyfriend's only friend is a woman who's miserably in love with him? A Lady was absolutely correct to point that out.
Call me idealistic but I think she should be able to have a conversation with her boyfriend about how this is a weird situation, and draw him out about what's going on with this friendship. If they are really planning on spending decades together, they need to be able to discuss these types of awkward things openly imo.
In my experience, being The Cool Partner and tamping down your feelings about these kinds of issues never, never works out for the best.