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BLAH Magazine: The Summer Issue

Beach Blanket Blah

How will you spend the summer? A reader poll:

• Standing in front of an open grocery freezer, staring at a box of two-stick popsicles and wondering aloud about who will be my Popsicle twin – 16 %

• The seasons changed? I didn’t realize – 23 %

• Sitting in front of the air conditioner with a blanket and hot tea – 18 %

• Thinking about getting highlights and then not getting them because we’re all going to die anyway – 29 %

• In denial – 14 %

Getting in Shape for Summer

With the days getting hotter, you might be forced to confront the fact that you are a corporeal being, not some misty apparition that floats from one encounter to the next. Or perhaps you already prefer to float high above your body, a one-woman Greek chorus shouting admonishments as the body bungles its way through the day (“People of Office Max, look on this Blah girl. See what black sea of terror surrounds her as she approaches the flatbed scanner”).

Potential solutions: dissociate completely OR buy an ab roller off Craigslist.

So You’ve Got Hair

Loath though we are to admit it, the “beach hair” trend is actually a boon for Blah manes. Amp up your naturally vagrant texture by going to bed at 8:30pm. This will give your strands plenty of time to knot together while you toss and turn, replaying all of the day’s regrets in your mind. If you can, sleep with your head under the pillow to enhance the cowlicks and the feeling of absolution.

When you wake up, just pick out any tortilla chips that may still be tied up in there and off you go, to the couch!

so relaxedA Day at the Beach: The Stuff of Nightmares

We could go on forever about the beach and its atrocities: sunlight, heat, exposure of various body parts that are meant to stay swathed, wind, birds, children.

But wasn’t there a time when you liked the beach? Like when you were young and didn’t care if your bathing suit bottom sagged, and you would spend the whole day bobbing on the waves on your inflatable orca? Or when you were a bit older, but not so old as you are now, and you had, like—abs? Or even a couple years after that, when you and your ex found that secluded cove and you wished you could stay there forever, just the two of you?

Nope. You don’t remember and the beach can eat a dick.

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BLAH Magazine's Spring Issue: Let's Get Equi-Noxious

Dear BLAH Girls,

The response to our first issue was overwhelming. And not in a good way! See, this is why we usually avoid doing stuff: doing nothing ensures a perfect record of non-failure.

But anyway, we’ve gone and done a thing, so it’s all downhill from here. If you do read on, I recommend opening a tutorial on how to make your hair do beachy waves in a separate browser window and toggling back and forth—at least that way you’ll learn something.

Or not. Do what you want. If you need me I’ll be searching for errant Teddy Grahams lodged between the couch cushions.

—Your editor

Sunlight and Other Horrors

Haven’t you been through enough? Waking up every day, breathing in and out, sometimes interacting with others, and now the sun is shining? Don’t worry: maintaining your BLAH attitude on a sunny afternoon will be no problem with just a little planning. If you have a job, quit. This will dramatically reduce the amount of time you have to be outdoors. If your job does not require you to leave your home, maybe also consider quitting. If you have no job, nice work! Tell your mom to buy blackout shades or move into the basement. In the event of no basement, berate your mom. She knows what she did.

Spring Fashion: The Nautical Look

Your white pants and horizontal stripes can spring right up my butt.

Who Thought Pastels Were a Good Idea?

Welcome to Beauty Corner, in which that so-called “universal shade” of blush is not going to work on you. Go ahead and save yourself the $35, unless you already bought it during one of your post-happy hour trips to Sephora, which you did. Right! Wrap it back up and give it to your tween cousin for her birthday.

Career Advice

Ben from marketing has a girlfriend. Everyone at work knows but you.

Sex Tips for the Unloveable

It’s been a second since you got it in. Follow our foolproof plan for satisfaction:

1) Go to a place that serves alcohol.

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BLAH: A Lifestyle Magazine for the Depressed Woman

Are You a BLAH Girl? Take Our Quiz and Find Out! READ MORE