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On Amy Poehler and Will Arnett Are Done

The sign up sheet for the one-way bus trip to the convent is now in the lobby. I expect seats to fill fast, so don't wait too long!

Posted on September 7, 2012 at 10:48 am 3

On Carter said she "doesn't consider it discriminatory"

@MoonBat oh, there will be poking a-plenty!

Posted on August 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm 0

On Carter said she "doesn't consider it discriminatory"

Where can I get me one of those 101 pound puffy coats? I'm planning on being immobile all winter but still want to enjoy the occasional snowfall, so this sounds perfect!

Posted on August 30, 2012 at 10:57 am 3

On Moms

@dtowngirl It's the only way. It's the only way.

Posted on May 11, 2012 at 11:23 am 3

On Toxic Dating, "Abominable" Sisters, and the French Manicure

@Tinpantithesis, @redheaded&crazie, I have a word document on my desktop titled "Perfectly Crafted Retort." I have had limited to zero ex contact for a few years that as of blocking him on FB about a year ago now is "zero." Both of us know the score, but on the 1 % chance he ever tries to contact me again, I have this one paragraph missive ready to fire. Whenever I think about him and get angry, I will go back to the document and make slight changes; a different word here, flipping this sentence with that one, etc.

It used to not be enough to just know I had it ready--I wanted to tell that fucker what's what!--but slowly but surely I've started feeling okay about it never getting sent.

Posted on May 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm 4

On Why Do We Still Live Here, in This Repulsive Town?

@nonvolleyball, @anachronistique Tori is the "breakup music" champ. We've got Tear in Your Hand, Northern Lad, Hey Jupiter, Putting the Damage On, Baker Baker, what else? I think I wrote some Hey Jupiter lyrics to my HS ex-boyfriend once in a desperate ploy to show him HOW EMOTIONAL I was feeling: sometimes I breathe you in, and I KNOW, YOU KNOW! I'm turning red now.

Posted on May 4, 2012 at 2:13 pm 3

On Why Do We Still Live Here, in This Repulsive Town?

You say you packed my things
And divided what was mine--you're off to the mountain top
I say her skinny legs could use sun
But now I'm wishing
For my best impression
Of my best Angie Dickinson
But now I've got to worry
Cause boy you still look pretty
When you're putt the damage on.

--Tori Amos, Putting the Damage On. One day I will be able to listen to this song without crying. But not today.

Posted on May 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm 3

On Breaking Up Is Hard to Do With Dignity

@wee_ramekin I think it's about tone. To me, the implication of the piece is that when you do these utterly mundane things like buying wine in sweats and pick cat hair off your clothing, people are fine-tooth-combing you with their eyes, making assumptions, and judging you for them when in reality, nobody gives a fuck. It sounds kind of mean, but one of the best things my dad ever told me when I whined about what people might think about a choice I made was "you're way too self-centered." And it's true. 9 times of out 10, people are so wrapped up in their own insecurities and hardships that it wouldn't even begin to occur to them to judge you for stupid shit like this, and on the off chance that they are? Their problems are much bigger than your own.

Posted on May 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm 8

On Breaking Up Is Hard to Do With Dignity

@Lemonnier Also, do you have cat hair on your clothes? GOD HELP YOU if there is any cat hair, woman. ME judging YOU with a splash of side-eye: it's so on.

Posted on May 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm 7

On The $625 Apartment

@NuckingFux Nix I'm originally from Omaha, and every once in awhile when I'm feeling particularly self-masochistic I apartment search there on Craigslist. I'll see listings like "new pent house 1 bedroom with jacuzzi in the heart of Old Market, $800!!" and a single tear will slowly roll down my cheek.

Posted on May 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm 0