On "Favorite Foods: Gin and Tonics"
Miss February 1977
http://www.playboy.com/girls/playmates/directory/197702.html
And I refuse to believe Miss December 1953 is dead.
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On Word Search!
When I first looked I was kinda hoping G Spot wasn't actually in there, and all the hairpinners would be searching and searching and never find it.
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On OKCupid Accidents, the Kid Talk, and Cheating With a Smile
@saraphonic I didn't mean to imply that marriage is, in whole, a bad thing. I think people can make commitments to each other and that's fine. Hell I know I would have had a terrible time of it leaving the workforce to raise my son without my partner agreeing to be supportive of our decision and agreeing not to abandon our child.
But that's not the type of commitments I'm talking about. I mean we should be realistic about what people are capable of, and our commitments should be based in reality, not fantasy. Someone recently wrote that jealousy is a good thing. I beg to differ. Jealousy is a combination of fear, anger, and mistrust. We use the threat of our jealous anger to keep our partners in line. This isn't a commitment, it's emotional terrorism.
Let's be honest with ourselves. I loved my past boyfriends. I still love them. There are things about them, about me, about us that caused us to be unhappy, and made it painful to live together. That doesn't mean I stopped loving them when I found my current partner. It just means he is someone I love and we were compatible enough to be able to live and raise a child together.
One of my exes and I had incredible sexual chemistry together. I would want to have sex with him again if the opportunity arose, and my partner knows this and is okay with it. He knows that just because I would want to have sex with my ex doesn't mean I love him any less, or that I think our sex life sucks. And I realize that just because he has a close intimate relationship with an ex girlfriend doesn't mean he loves me any less, nor does it diminish our commitment to each other.
Our commitment to each other is quite simple, really. It's to love each other, to support each other, and above all to be honest with each other. It says nothing about whether or not he can think that new barista is hot, or how many confidants he can have, or whether he can have sex with another partner. And vice versa. Because committing those things to each other isn't going to make us love our exes less, or never find another person hot, or want to fuck another person. And if our commitment isn't changed by admitting those things we already feel, is it really such a big deal if I were to make out with a guy? I mean, if I can make out with a guy and still come home to my partner, and if I come home with positive energy rather than resentment, it's actually better for him.
I'm not going to lie to you and say that this way is easier than the traditional "monogamous" way. I am going to say that monogamy is just as hard. No one tells young couples how fucking hard it is to be emotionally and physically monogamous over the course of ten or fifteen years of marriage. They say "marriage takes work," sure, but so does every relationship.
So I go back to my original advice. Find relationships that make you happy, and encourage those you love to do the same. Forget about labels and ideals. It's nice to think that you might find one person who is your everything, but it's not going to happen. Nor is it particularly healthy to pursue that ideal. Don't forget, we are social animals. Read Bonobo Handshake by Vanessa Woods. It's quite eye-opening.
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On OKCupid Accidents, the Kid Talk, and Cheating With a Smile
@Sunny Marie@twitter
I think it was probably over before he told you it was. Which sucks that after having shared a life and intimacy together he couldn't be honest with you and let you make choices for yourself as an adult. I suspect he was afraid that if he told you it was over, you'd kick him out before he had a place to land.
I can't say what I'd do in your shoes, but I hope I would talk to him about the way things ended, and how he didn't have the decency to be on the level with you and treat you like an adult. I'd then reassure him that it's okay because we're all just learning this stuff as we go along, that you were happy to be with him and (I presume) you're happy to keep him in your life (perhaps as a friend rather than a romantic partner) provided he be more mature and open and honest about what he wants and needs.
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On OKCupid Accidents, the Kid Talk, and Cheating With a Smile
@girl wearing glasses
I don't think you should feel remorseful, and I'm going to disagree with nearly everyone here and say your makeouts were a-ok in my book. Really.
As I get older, I realize that people are, excuse my coarseness, fucking hypocrites when it comes to relationships. There is what we do, and there is what we say we do. So we kinda suck at monogamy. But that's okay, because monogamy doesn't make any sense anyway. When my child was 2, he sucked at sharing (every parent will tell you this). He wanted every toy for his exclusive use only, and if someone else had a toy, he wanted that one too. I didn't tell him, "good for you, honey!" I helped him learn that jealousy and possessiveness weren't sociable traits for a social species like us. And he grew out of it (mostly).
In every other aspect of our lives jealousy and possessiveness is roundly condemned as being petty, and yet in our relationships it is not only exalted, but those baser emotions are an organizing principle. We've built our romantic lives around instincts more commonly associated with toddlers. That's fucking retarded. Think about how idiotic we would seem if we said, "I would love you, Suzie, but I can only commit to one child at a time" or "sorry mom, it's dad's turn to receive my love, you'll have to wait." Why is it not possible to love two or three or more people romantically and not have it diminish our ability to love any one of them?
You should be with people who make you happy, and you should encourage the people in your life to seek happiness. Spread love. Seriously. I get it, we all want a partner in life, a commitment that someone will be with us through thick and thin. But the types of commitments we extract from others are unreasonable and based in immaturity. We want an "exclusive" and "permanent" commitment that allows us to be our most selfish, bitchy selves and he'll still be with me because look at this shiny ring that says he has to.
Don't give anyone veto power over the relationships you're allowed to have, and don't seek that power over others. It's manipulative, it's petty, and it doesn't lead to happiness and security. Why? Because the veto power is an illusion. It's not going to stop him from wanting to be with someone else, it's just going to make him dishonest about it and resentful that he can't live with honesty and integrity because someone else is going to throw an emotional tantrum if he admits to being interested in more than one person. What a pathetic romantic ideal we've created for ourselves.
My advice: opt out.
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On I'm Changing My Name, Again
I think changing names just because some dude is cute and you're all "whooowheeee!" is kinda silly, especially in hindsight and you're all "fuck that guy, he was an asshole."
Except when you're trading up. I mean, Sophie Baumschlager just wasn't ever going to happen, so he traded up and took my last name. Smart boy.
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On Because Competitive Cycling Gatherings Are a Safe Space to Discuss Your Genital Malfunctions
@Hot mayonnaise: Only the one in my pants! And that last party didn't go as well as I had hoped.
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On Because Competitive Cycling Gatherings Are a Safe Space to Discuss Your Genital Malfunctions
My boyfriend never has difficulty rising to the occasion, but the other night after going for a ride (first time he's ridden in months) it took quite a bit more work to get things going. And even then he wasn't fully up for the evening's activities.
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On Cheating, Sex With Recovering Alcoholics, and Crushes
I dunno, my brother and his wife are separated, and in the process of getting a divorce, and haven't changed their facebook statuses (statuses? stati?). If I had to guess, they won't change them it until the divorce is final. I say she asks him why he hasn't changed it.
Why oh why do people continue to guess instead of just asking the question and going from there? I didn't think his answer was sketchy but if you do, take his advice and cut him loose.
Maybe I'm just clueless, being older and married and not a dude, but when did my facebook status become the the final word on my relationship anyway? If I change my relationship status to "married" does that mean I get another round of wedding presents?!? Please tell me, this is important!
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On The One, the Affair, and the Infuriating Family
@laurel And she has an incredible leverage point: her three year old. Tell your mom and brothers to knock it the fuck off or they see the little girl in facebook status updates only.