Things the Internet Tells Me to Do That I Will Not Be Doing

Look amazing day & night.

Collect your candle wax in this glass vase.

Watch Nicolas Cage perform John Cage's 4'33".

Say hello to Kim Kardashian's baby bump.

Reach your full potential this year!

Attempt one colorful makeup moment a day.

Turn toward warming soups and away from raw salads. 

Take steps to secure your account.

Sample Girl Scout cookie–flavored beer.

Stop pretending you can make good pancakes without buttermilk.

Turn your utensils into beautiful and unexpected crafts.

Receive close mentoring and become part of the stimulating writing community.


Stop putting trees on skyscrapers.


Contrarian Movie Titles

Debbie Doesn't Dallas

Divine Secrets of the Nein-Nein Sisterhood

Spies Don't Like Us

A Kraftwerk Orange

The Cider House Blows

Animal Fifth-Floor Walkup

He's Just That Into You

In No Way Small Women

The Discreet Charm of the Proletariat

Casino Jim Beam

The Man Who Was Actually There the Whole Time

The Sixth Nonsense

Skeptic Pizza

Lamar Anderson doesn't Dallas either, but she'll Charleston if you ask nicely.

Conceptual Marriage Ceremonies for the Wedding-Averse

They sit on the floor and flip through dictionaries. He finds the entry for "wife"; she turns to the one for "husband." They each place a finger on the pronunciation key. On three. READ MORE

Headlines to Use in the Event of Being Trapped Inside the Offices of a Bridal Magazine

What a Tulle READ MORE

Romance-Novel Sentence Diagrams


Secrets of Kissing, Revealed

Do you remember your first kiss? Were you wearing a bridesmaid’s dress and baby’s breath in your hair as you leaned over your birthday cake and your 16 candles? Were you asking a farm boy to fetch an earthenware pitcher even though it was right there above your head? READ MORE

What Was The Get Him System, Anyway?

In eighth grade I liked this boy. So much that I wouldn’t talk to him. My best strategy — wearing my girliest shirt and walking by him, with freshly brushed hair whenever feasible — was not producing the necessary results. So I did what any enterprising/terrified 13-year-old would do and I ordered The Get Him System from the back of Teen magazine. Remember this ad? READ MORE

The Poetry of Danielle Steel

Danielle Steel, the bestselling novelist, also happens to be a published poet. In the '70s and '80s she sold poems to Cosmopolitan, McCall's, Ladies' Home Journal, and Good Housekeeping, and in 1984 Steel came out with the collection Love, which is the only (or at least the pinkest) mass-market paperback of poetry I have ever had in my possession. Doing away with author praise and marketing copy, the back cover is simply emblazoned with this line: EVERYBODY READS DANIELLE STEEL. And you should too. She has a lot to teach us! READ MORE

What’s in Cosmo for Guys, the iPad Magazine?

On Monday Hearst released Cosmo for Guys, an iPad-only magazine in which the editors of original Cosmo lead men on a safe-for-advertisers romp through the female psyche. To find out what’s inside, I convinced my stepfather-in-law to install the app on his iPad and download the inaugural issue. Thankfully he had only one question: “Do they still do the centerfold?” READ MORE

Unusual Food Styling Scenarios From Brownie Chef Bev Shaffer

Excerpts from Brownies to Die For! READ MORE