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I haven't smiled since the chive blinis with creme fraiche*.
I haven't refilled your wineglass for the last hour and when you ask me for some water I say, "No."
I've shared with you the main tenets of Chinese Ancient Wisdom for Healthy Sleep, which prescribes one to be asleep by 10 o'clock to maximize the repair of energetic organs.
I excuse myself to take a shower.
When my husband suggests we get out the good whiskey, I slap him upside the head.
After I come out of the shower, I'm in my bathrobe and refuse to look you in the eyes.
When you speak to me, I say, "I can't hear you, because I'm vacuuming."
Earlier in the evening, I joked that my shy son should marry your gregarious daughter, but now I renege on the offer and explain that if I ever had in-laws that didn't respond to social cues, I would scheme tirelessly until the kids divorced.
Your rack of lamb gremolata is accompanied by a note with magazine cut-out letters that read, "UHav 24 Min Left."
I've set off the fire alarm sprinkler system.
I've just accused you of being an anti-Semite despite your years of service on the New Israel Fund's Board of Directors.
I thank you for the offer to help clean up and hand you a compost bag along with the directions to a community garden in Staten Island.
When your glass fills with water from the activated sprinkler system, I grab it and gulp it down to ensure you remain thirsty.
I ask if you'd like to borrow the new Donna Tartt novel and when you say yes, I toss it out the window and tell you to go get it.
I yawn, nod off, jolt awake and then hiss, in a Tourette-like outburst, "Your dog isn't even that cute!"
I say, "Let me get your coat for you," and then I pretend that your coat is a talking puppet begging you to put your arms into it and leave.
Earlier, I offered you a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla and flirted shamelessly. Now, as you reach for a baked brie tart with pecans, I'm talking about inflammatory bowel disease and Ayn Rand.
After my husband invites you to see his digital music editing program, I get out our prenup which specifically prohibits the prolonging of dinner parties.
When you ask me where the bathroom is, I tell you on 79th and Riverside, which is your address.
I excuse myself to go check on the baby even though I haven't been fertile for a decade.
While you sample an almond macaroon galette, I fiddle with my smart phone, severing all social media connections with you and disseminating a rumor that you have become a fanatic Muslim obsessed with Jihad.
I tell you that your daughter just phoned to say that she needs you to come home immediately. When you point out that no one has called me, I explain that she's a louse and a Telepath.
When you compliment my lemon ginger bundt cake, I stuff it into a ziplock baggie with cab fare and throw it at you. It knocks over your empty wineglass.
*Menu inspired by Martha Stewart
Previously: Expansion of French Women Don't Series
INTERNAL PUBLISHING MEMO
In light of the success of French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure and its follow-up French Women Don't Get Facelifts: The Secret of Aging with Style and Attitude, the series will be expanded in 2015 with the following titles:
Older Danish Women Don't Mind Looking Leathery: The Secret to Having 5 weeks paid Vacation Days and Virtually No Melanin
With a charming blend of Nordic wit and insight, Lærke Pederson observes that Americans live in the only highly developed country that doesn't require employers to provide paid vacation time. This, Pederson explains, is why American women are so pale and sad.
Italian Women Don't Tiger Mom Their Boys: The Secret of Mixing a Stagnant Economy with a Fiercely Family-Oriented Culture
Concetta Olivieri describes the joys of having her 43-year-old son live at home with her. She berates American women for banishing their male offspring when they are so young and incapable of doing their own laundry, just so that they can go off and wear tennis shoes while eating rubbery, orange cheese squares.
British Women Don't Want an Honest Answer to the Question, 'How Are You?': The Secret of Living in a Culture which Commends Repression
Anna Perks, the author of 'Collywobbles in Bedfordshire', reveals why emotions are unfortunate and best left unacknowledged. She hopes that by sharing the virtues of British restraint with American women, they will become more self-conscious and aware of the ridiculous nature of their presence.
Saudi Women Don't Drive: The Secret of Using Religion to Justify Misogyny
Lydia Al-Bishri explores her decision to move to Munich where she can enjoy the freedoms of the West without binging on cronuts and Snickers bars.
Russian Women Don't Fly Commercial Airlines: The Secret of Landing an Oligarch
Sofya Lischenko is generally clueless but owns an 88 million dollar penthouse on Central Park West. She advises American women to smile less, particularly as they have so little in life to bring them joy.
Botswanan Women Don't Worry: The Secret to Being Happier than You
Mma Ramotswe explains why American women should feel ashamed for being so rich and unfulfilled all at the same time.
Finnish Women Don't Pay For Child Care: The Secret to Living in a Country where Politicians Actually Legislate Pro-Family Policies
Siiri Lyytikäinen notes that in addition to never being happy, American women will also never "have it all."
No Jamaican Women Don't Cry: The Secret to Being More Relaxed Than You
Violet Walker is mystified that American women are not only rich, unhappy and unfulfilled, but also so anxious about everything.
Indian Women Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: The Secret to Accepting Yourself Just As You Are
Priyanka Sharma wonders why American women even bother to read books on the subjects of being thin and happy when it's so clearly and internationally established that they have no chance of being either.
Kazakh Women Don't Remember Borat: The Secret to Resting Assured that No Matter How Socially Divided and Landlocked You Are, American Women are Still More Unhappy Than You
Lyudmila Baktybayeva dispels the notion that everyone isn't laughing at American women for being so fat and unhappy.
Cypriot Women Don't Deposit: The Secret of Being Overexposed to Greek Bonds
Elena Constantinou highlights why she's taken a series of domestic jobs once reserved for Sri Lankans. But even with all her troubles, she assures readers that she's still having better sex than American women.
Brazilian Women Don't Wear Tops: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny
"Grazielle" is renting out her favela home for the 2014 World Cup. She is much more beautiful than you.
Slovenian Women Don't Resent Melania Trump: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny in One of the Former Republics of Yugoslavia
Ziva Zajc is more beautiful but also taller than you.
Colombian Women Don't Mind Being the Sexiest Women in the World: The Secret to Being Young, Beautiful and Skinny According to Misstravel.com
Lucia Ortiz had a boob job but was more beautiful than you even before she had it done.
American Women Don't Feel Good About Themselves: The Secret to Thinking Everyone Else is Younger, Skinnier and More Beautiful Than You
Twenty-five years after her seminal book 'The Beauty Myth', Naomi Wolf is exasperated and applying for French citizenship.
Photo via riot/flickr.
Devorah Blachor writes a mystery series under the pen name Jasmine Schwartz. Her novels include Farbissen and Fakakt.