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Genitalia Slang From Better Homes and Gardens

GARDENING GENITALIA READ MORE

The Essential Life Lessons of the Dairy Queen Sisterhood

I remember my childhood summers in three separate periods: the failed swimming lessons (ages 8-10), the Harriet the Spy tape-recorder years (age 11-12), and the era of Dairy Queen (ages 15-20). The DQ I worked at was idyllic. We sold only ice cream, so we never had to deal with fryers or meat, and for most of those summers only girls worked there: this provided critical opportunities for discussing breasts, scrunchies, and sexual intercourse, a subject about which I knew nothing for a long time. Dense with life lessons, my DQ summers taught me everything. Here are a few things that have stuck with me. READ MORE

Happy Valentine's Day to my Xanax

Dear Xanax,

I can’t believe it’s been 15 years. Jesus, how time flies. Immediately before our impromptu rendezvous last night, I spent some time thinking about our memories together and broke down into a fit of frantic tears.

You have supported me through public speaking events, blood draws and first dates. Just last year, you were there when I got stung by a bee at that wedding in Buffalo and collapsed on the church stairs, paralyzed by fear that I had somehow become spontaneously allergic to bee venom. (The bride was slightly displeased with the attention I garned, but you understood my needs, babe. You always understand my needs.)

You were there this summer when I unwittingly met that creepy swinger couple in Boston, and had to mentally hide in my happy place as they openly discussed my breasts.

I can take you anywhere and everywhere. New restaurants, job interviews, Target on a Saturday. Remember that time we went to Pitchfork together and you helped me out during Sleigh Bells? God, what a peaceful moment that ended up being.

We’ve had our struggles. I know at times I’ve strayed. I was young and foolish, and just wanted to experiment with other attractive benzodiazepines. That’s on me. But I always come back to you! You comfort me almost immediately, generally in 18 minutes or less.

I love you and I can’t wait to see you again Monday when I face the throngs of rush hour passengers on the train. I know it’s corny, but you truly complete me. Happy Valentine’s!

Love forever,

Melanie

Melanie is a writer and researcher living in Logan Square, Chicago, IL who tweets @rileycoyote.

16 Things I Wish Were Nail Polish Colors Inspired by My January 2014

Polar Vortex: white dappled with the occasional angry gray speck READ MORE