New images have appeared all over town, bearing the image of a turkey sandwich and the single world “harlot" in large block letters. These billboards have caused some confusion, both due to their ambiguous message, and to the fact that the entire structure of the billboards materialized overnight. - Welcome to Night Vale
Hi Hairpinners. I need to vent (trigger warning for anxiety/illness/cancer/suicidal impulses).
My anxiety/panic disorder continues unabated (I am on propanolol, escitalopram [which hasn't kicked in yet], and as-needed lorazepam [which is very scary]) and I can't find affordable therapy without a two-month waiting list, I'm continuing to have to actively work to eat because I have become so obsessively anxious about potentially getting norovirus/food poisoning [I'm emetophobic], I really miss my ex and I wish I could see him, my mother was just diagnosed with two kinds [invasive and non-invasive] of cancer in her left breast and her insurance is refusing to pay for a BRCA-1 test, my grandmother just got out of the hospital for urosepsis and emphysema and congestive heart failure [from being exposed to my grandfather's secondhand smoke for years on end, while my abusive grandfather, bastard of bastards wished dead by the entire family, continues hale and fucking hearty], and I have apparently developed my grandmother's asymptomatic UTIs, so now I am on cranberry pills for the rest of my life. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to think optimistically about the future at all. Usually I can conjure things I am sticking around for, things that will be worth sticking around to see, things that I will want to do; lately the future just looks like one vast stretching span of miserable movement from one illness to the next. I don't want to kill myself, but I almost wish I had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, because it would be such a relief to know that there's an end-date to all this.
Also my ex gave me a very nice Cross pen years ago, and I lost it last month in a Target, of all places, while crossing things off my shopping list, and I am so crushed about having been so careless with it.
On the plus side, my new apartment, while obscenely expensive and populated with weird, overly friendly neighbors, is quite nice, and I like it a lot, and I cut off all my hair yesterday so now it's in a shortish pixie and I like that, and right now I'm housesitting for my folks while they're in Oregon, and in the late morning when I take the dog out for a walk, afterwards he'll sit on the grass under a tree, and I'll sit next to him and listen to Welcome to Night Vale and watch the tree move in the breeze. Also I am marathoning all of Once Upon A Time and Revenge, which are both terrible and amazing in their own ways, and that is really nice.
@childfree Yeah, I was deadset on no kids until I met my ex eight years ago, fell in love, and realized he would be a phenomenal father and that I really wanted to have kids with him. I am looking at early ovarian failure so if I want biological kids I have to get cracking in about three years. I would be fine with waiting to adopt, but he doesn't want kids at all, bio- or not, and that's part of the reason we are (unhappily) no longer together. I am now in a spiral of confusion because I wanted to have kids with him specifically, and I don't know if I'll ever want to have kids with anyone else (which is of course part of the whole 'I don't know if I'll ever love anyone else/be loved by anyone else' breakup blah).
Basically.. it's a possibility you might change your mind, but best be totally upfront that you don't anticipate doing so. You may change your mind if you find someone that you really click with in a 'That person would be a great person to co-parent with' way, but...hedge your bets? Be clear that you're not sure.
Good news: Am officially okayed for volunteering in the cat & dog sections at the local animal shelter, I have two hours of dog handling training tomorrow, and there's a possibility that in the future I could transition to working in the wildlife/barn areas. I am starting on Escitalopram so I can start transitioning off Lorazepam which has been scary (helpful! but scary) to be on because it is highly addicting & my family has a strong history of being easily addicted douchebags. I am writing my last paper of the semester (due at midnight tonight). I am alive. I have an apartment where I get to go home to two cats (who have new, matching collars: pink stripes with ladybugs).
Bad news: I haven't gotten a call-back on the interview I had two weeks ago, when my interviewer said she'd call me for a second interview within the week (and I sent a very good follow-up/thank you card on my good stationery!!!). I haven't gotten called for an interview for any other application I've sent out, and my new apartment is going to eat through my savings much, much faster than I thought it would. I can't drink on the escitalopram, and fuck if I do not want anything more than to have a goddamn cigarette and a double Laphroaig while I sit on the couch and watch Supernatural and sob. I really miss my boyfriend (we emailed a little this week, and had an amicable, adult discussion about how we still love each other very much and what might have led to the breakup, but also about how those issues are currently and most likely totally irreconcilable, and how fucking miserable we are without each other). I really, really, really miss sex with my boyfriend (we had all these fun mildly kinky plans laid out for when we had funds and now ...no funds, no kinky plans, no boyfriend).
Basically, just, blurgh with a side of things sort of thinking about looking up but maybe not really.
@PatatasBravas Thank you, Brave Potatoes. <3
@Miss Maszkerádi *high-five of sad singleness*
"Loneliness, she said—and this will surprise no one—is the want of intimacy."
Well, I was already spending the morning crying over missing my ex/guilt over making my ex lonely anyway, so okay.
@pointy I am really into Emily & Fin (on Modcloth) dresses - specifically the Day after Day one (of which I have three) - they're very comfortable, light, not too short, and they have pockets!
Dear Hairpin Moms and Not-Moms,
I just wanted to say thanks for being so great and providing lots of good advice over the last month while I was melting down/ending my relationship/spiraling. I'm still not okay (I'm on lorazepam/I miss my boyfriend/I have referrals to the local health dept for a psychiatrist and psychologist) but I really appreciate this whole wonderful community for virtually holding my hand, and helping me get started on taking care of myself.
I love you all, and if you're ever near the central coast of CA, well, I can't go out for margaritas with you because my NP doesn't want me to drink, but I'll buy you a taco and a cupcake. ♥
@cosmia Yes, this. I am a 29 year old human adult and I have no clue how to do ...life. I feel like I had my shit more together as a 15 year old than I do now.