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7 Things A Man Only Does If He’s Serious About You

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“I have an important question about married life, which remains incomprehensible to me, but I am trying to understand,” I Gchatted my childhood friend Vanessa last week. She’s been with her husband for a decade. “When the hell do you masturbate?” READ MORE

“When I tell my daughter stories at night, inevitably, a few things happen. Number 1, I use my imagination. I always start with life, and then I build from there. And then the other thing that happens is she always says, ‘Mommy, can you put me in the story?’ And you know, it starts from the top up. READ MORE

Weekend Roundup / Open Thread

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Kim Kardashian: Trapped in Her Own Game

"More like KardashiCAN'T. You are pathetic. You try to destroy me and then lie about it to my face. Well, Kim, if you like your game so much, why don't you play it...FOREVER." READ MORE

Happy Big Block of Cheese Day

Here at the White House, we're dedicated to making President Obama's administration the most open and accessible in history. That's why, for the second year in a row, we thought it'd be a gouda idea to brie-unite a certain cast of characters to help us bring back a tradition that dates back to the days of President Andrew Jackson.

After pretty much mic-dropping all over the Republicans during last night's SOTU, President Obama begins today much the same way as us normals: by making a bunch of cheesy jokes. Today is Big Block of Cheese Day, a open forum for the president and other government members to chat with their constituents. Legend has it that this is inspired by that one time President Jackson ordered a 1,400 pound block of cheddar cheese and invited local people over to the White House in a noble act of transparency, but The Atlantic has the scoop that Jackson just got the cheese as a gift and didn't know what to do it— not to mention it stank to high heaven— so he just invited the people over to eat it, which the same thing I do when I have a half a keg left over from a party. READ MORE

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Has Blessed Us With A New Short Story

The Minister asked my father about his family, and my father told him everyone was fine. The Minister asked how many children he had, and my father said none yet, but that his wife was pregnant and due in a few weeks. (My mother as pregnant with me.) Then the minister asked a question that startled my father. “How many of your children have died?”

Cancel all your meetings. READ MORE

Forget the Knicks, Here Are the Chicks

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any tween girl who goes by "Flash" is a better person than you ever will be, and, my God, if she also has friends nicknamed Koko, Beans, and Megatron, then you might as well pack your bags, because there's a new queen in town, and it sure as hell isn't you. These are some of the members of the Central Illinois Xpress basketball team, recently profiled by the New York Times as part of its "Not the Knicks" series, in which Scott Cacciola takes a sabbatical from reporting on the "woeful Knicks as he checks out some of the good basketball around the country." (Should someone call in Justice Kara Brown for a quick session of Shade Court, because DANG.) They are all girls, and they are here to kick your ass. READ MORE

Weekend Roundup / Open Thread

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The Oscars Suck, What Else Is New