In case you somehow missed it, last Saturday was the 30 year anniversary of the premiere of The Cosby Show, in which everybody discussed Bill Cosby's questionable ethics, the staunch feminism of Clair Huxtable, and the onset of puberty prompted by Theo Huxtable in a tank top. Left out of our discussions, however, was the Cosby Show’s best character: Denise Huxtable, one of the ultimate #carefreeblackgirls, played by Lisa Bonet. I grew up in a similarly large African-American family with five children, and it was hard not to pigeonhole ourselves into fitting the mold of our respective Huxtable child — the closest match, actually, is me and Sondra, also the emo eldest. Her best episode is where she decides to drop out of graduate school and open a wilderness store in Brooklyn (a threat I routinely give my own mother). My other siblings bear passing resemblance to their Huxtable counterparts, but thankfully, sadly, not a single one of them is as cool as Denise — no one is. Let us praise her. READ MORE
My dentist enters a room, walking past a dental technician pouring himself a cup of coffee.
"You know what would be funny?"
"Drills." READ MORE
Is Laura Jeanne:
a) The girl sharing bridesmaids duties with you who never fails to mention the reasons she should be maid of honor instead?
b) Reese Witherspoon? READ MORE
At Mehran’s school, children are absolutely forbidden from seeing the opposite sex naked. The headmaster tells me that at this stage, she is certain that to most students, what sets little boys and girls apart is all exterior: pants versus skirts. READ MORE
I'm an old fart, so usually songs released in the past ten years make me feel like I'm in an Urban Outfitters in one of two ways: that I'm in Urban Outfitters and stressed out and feeling poor but on a fashion bender and committed to purchasing something cool that I know I'll never have the guts to wear while manic alt-punk music fills my ears, or that I'm in Urban Outfitters, I hear a cool song that would never have come on the Ella Fitzgerald Pandora station, and I think, "Thank God I came into Urban Outfitters to hear this cool song." READ MORE
So here's a jarring news flash: you've been pooping wrong for your entire life (if it makes you feel better, as a baby born with meconium aspiration, I have been screwing up pooping since before I even left the womb). Kevin Roose, as part of his series of "bettering" himself, decided to tackle his favorite room in his house: his bathroom, this week on Matter. READ MORE
1. [yelling, from the bathroom.]
"Hey babe! Can you come here?"
"I just put toilet paper in there this morning. Did you drop it in the toilet?"
"No. Come here. Look at this poop. My shit is... it's, like, blue. Babe, my shit is blue. Come look at this. Bring your phone."
2. "You look different. Are you not wearing makeup?"
"No, I'm not wearing skin. I am sick of adhering to skin-filled beauty standards. Pass the chips."
3. "How was that crazy sex dream you had with that girl you saw in the coffee shop yesterday having sex with you on an airplane bound for France?"
"You know, I really hate when you read my mind without asking."
"Is that what you want? Should I buy tickets to France?"
4. "I'm so glad I got injured in that ice-skating accident and I can no longer go to the bathroom without assistan– no, no, I need a super tampon. That's the green one."
5. "Have you ever heard that urban legend about a couple who had to pee so bad at the same time and there was only one toilet so the girl sat on the toilet with her legs open and the dude just aimed his pee in between her legs?"
"Do you think anybody knows that's us?"
6. * feeds the other like a mama bird does to a baby *