Never trust a big butt and a smile.

On Texts From the American Girls


Posted on December 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm 8

On On Adding or Keeping Distances

Yeah, I feel like most of us just want to help her avoid a place on that sad trajectory that so many of us have been on - you know the one. You start hanging out with some guy who had a Crazy Girlfriend. They were Just Having Fun and she got All Weird and he was being Totally Cool! She was The Girl Who Just Didn't Get It! Not like [you], though. You are So Chill and Really Get [Him] and [He] Feels Like Things Are So Great Between [you two] Right Now, Let's Not Ruin It.

And you think "I will never be The Girl Who Didn't Get It, I'm so cool! I really get this guy! I have too much self respect!". And then you realize maybe she Didn't Get It because he never actually, you know, told her, or gave her an unmixed signal, or treated her with a modicum of respect or consideration. But by then, it's too late. You're already Not Getting It. You're well on your way to becoming That Crazy Girlfriend Of His, V. 2.0, whose sad story will be related to the next girl, just the way the creepy old man at the end of a horror movie invites another group of young campers into his secluded backwoods cabin.

Posted on June 1, 2012 at 4:34 pm 18

On On Adding or Keeping Distances

Though, let me clarify, no one is coming off as badly as The Dude, who sounds like a classic asshole who should be abandoned forthwith. Let me assure you, LW1, from someone who has been there, that if you hang around you will be the June in the next iteration of this story.

Posted on June 1, 2012 at 3:50 pm 11

On On Adding or Keeping Distances

Yo, LW1, I feel like maybe you are not coming off as well as you think you are in this scenario.

Posted on June 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm 5

On Scandals of Classic Hollywood: The Passion of Laurence Olivier

@Lucienne I looooove the Garson/Olivier P&P, anachronisms and all. The best Mrs. Bennett! The giant, historically inappropriate skirts! The insane chemistry between the leads! MISS BINGLEY!
Oh, it's the best.

Posted on May 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm 0

On Scandals of Classic Hollywood: The Passion of Laurence Olivier

Maybe I missed it, but any love for the rumor, buoyed by Joan Plowright, about Olivier's reputed long-term affair with Danny Kaye?

Posted on May 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm 0

On On Second Chances

For all the women who are accused of buying into romcom fantasies (I'm looking at you, Chuck Klosterman, and your "All Women Want Lloyd Dobler" thing), I actually know way more men who bought into the idea of the romantic comedy man behavior, only to find out that as usual, The Onion speaks the truth: http://www.theonion.com/articles/romanticcomedy-behavior-gets-reallife-man-arrested,757/. Don't be that guy, Letter Writer.

And on that note, LW, others here (including A Lady herself) have said this, but this whole tortured repentant man act is about you, not her (no matter how much you claim to looooove and miss her) - it's about you feeling guilty, and probably lonely, and wanting to prove to yourself and your idealized vision of her that you're not a bad guy and you can change and you've grown up and yadda yadda yadda. If you actually love her as much as you claim, you'll respect her wishes enough to leave her alone and come to her own decisions about how she wants to proceed - and that may mean letting her proceed without you in her life. Sometimes it be's like that.

Posted on May 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm 12

On Ask a Married Dude: Bob and Eli

@Athena "Never go down on a guy named Bob repeatedly, for nearly 10+ years, unless you're prepared to reap the consequences, including those that result from submitting your saga to an internet advice column."

Posted on February 1, 2012 at 12:49 am 17

On Ask a Married Dude: Bob and Eli

Thank fucking god I'm not your friend, lady. I'm frustrated enough at your immature, self centered drama-mongering just reading it through the internet - I imagine the interminable phone calls to which you subject your friends about this mess sound like that David Foster Wallace short story "The Depressed Person," crossed with All My Children, and an echo that results from you being so far up your own ass.

I hope by now you have gotten the gist of all the myriad ways you have fucked this situation, and all the things you can do to at least spare your child and Eli a little bit of the hurt that is surely in the works for them as a result of your actions.

And let me conclude with the observation that we have all met a "Bob," but most of us see him for the narcissistic sociopath he is by the time we're in our early 20s. What a shame you didn't realize that sooner about your Bob - and worse, that Eli didn't see it sooner about his.

Oh wait, for real final observation: anyone wondering how to grow your own Patrick Bateman, look at this broad right here.

Posted on February 1, 2012 at 12:28 am 4

On How to Deliver a Baby Without Pain Meds If You're Not a Spiritual Person But Are Really Geeky


How to have a natural childbirth, not at all by choice: Arrive at the hospital already in active labor, beg for an epidural, scream, when told that it was too late, "I'LL HOLD IT IN!", scream "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK GET IT OUT GET IT OOOOOOUT," push that mess out.

Posted on October 22, 2011 at 12:04 am 3