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The Best (Grossest?) Times I Humiliated Myself in Another Country

1. I got dysentery in Kathmandu (no, not on The Oregon Trail), and had to give stool samples to a very cute doctor from my alma mater. He really wanted to talk about football, the private practice he'd one day return to in Ann Arbor, his love of the warm-hearted Nepalese people, and the importance of researching mysterious strains of bacteria in the hills of the Himalayas for the good of humanity. I, on the other hand, was lucid enough — despite my actual delirium — to realize what a goddamn catch he was and feel sufficiently mortified that whatever microorganisms were hiding in my intestines were a source of fascination for him. Even worse, upon my hastened return to the US, the recondite bacteria were still not gone. This meant a trip to the emergency room, where a stunningly gorgeous man gave me a rectal exam. And it wasn't a "What do we have here, let's take a look around" kind of thing. It was a very thorough, probing rectal exam by the most conventionally attractive human being I have ever interacted with and likely ever will. Seriously. By the way, if you ever get a rectal exam, know that doctors like to ask you how many sexual partners you've ever had, your sexual orientation, and other casual inquiries about your butt. READ MORE