When I was eight years old, the only thing I wanted to be was president, and Tommy Hanlon told me in front of everyone in my class that I couldn't be. READ MORE
Summer is a mere three weeks away. Don't get caught with your pants down. READ MORE
Yesterday, a "Page Six spy" delivered a report from inside the Kimye wedding. In the future, all aspirational literary references to the "Great American Novel" will be replaced by aspirational literary references to the "Page Six Spy Report." "Florence has bid arrivederci and goodbye to Kanye and Kim," wrote the spy yesterday. "Come back soon, but please, not too soon." READ MORE
Medieval Studies 101
22 May 2014 READ MORE
Dayna was a great woman, a kind woman. Some might say a generous woman. Her generosity showed when she ordered a dozen or whatever blue orchids on Amazon the day before Mother's Day and forgot to write in the "Do you want to attach a note?" box. Her mother was thrilled by the flowers, but confused by their delivery. READ MORE
THINK OF WORSE STUFF
Cirque du Soleil
A Capella music
The way your dentist's hands smell
I have to put an IKEA chair together later, so you can put "Dayna Evans" on this list
Cities with restrictive open container policies
Brainstorm ten tags that Dave Eggers might use if he were a graffiti artist. I'm going with Dick Socket first, HACK as a close second.
UPGRADE ADOBE READER
You cannot live one more day with that fucking red box startling the living shit out of you when you're trying to Gchat. Just upgrade it. It takes two minutes, not even. 90 seconds.
WHAT'S UP WITH OSLO
Lots of smoked fish. Golden beer. People wearing shirts. Women with hair, in shoes. A library. Probably in Norway or the Netherlands but who can be sure?
Buy a plane ticket! That's fun.
Is it really that great.
I think this a website where you can meet people who also like Swiss chard, but you're about to change the game up. Create a login and make a Meetup for RAIN SUX. Set the location for: your house. Time: now.
Watch as people are like,
"But, DanityKane568, how are we supposed to meet up?"
"This isn't very community-friendly."
"Should we get an administrator involved?"
"Let's just block her from Meetup.com forever."
Today's first success. Congratulations.
"I'd like to barter this one abysmal crock of horseshit rainy day for your rainbow light-up love gloves from the furthest distant space star that you've had contact with, Meadow."
DID YOU UPGRADE ADOBE READER
I can't believe I even have to ask this again.
Photo via roger4336/flickr.
Previously: How to Take Advantage of Rhubarb Season
MAKE A PIE
Go to the liquor store and get margarita mix and a handle of tequila. Set up a Facebook invite called "PIE PARTY," making sure to invite every woman you know, but especially the girl with the food blog.
Guests begin to arrive.
"Where's this pie?" Julia asks. She's wearing a tea-length cocktail dress and carrying a chartreuse felt clutch.
"Here's a margarita. Be right back."
Three hours later, the food blog girl will have made you and all your guests a pie. She had some spare vegetable shortening in her purse.
Tell your 10-year-old cousin that rhubarb is celery dipped in blood.
CROSS HATCH CHAIR
You're not much of a crafter but a cool idea for a chair is if you took 16 stalks of rhubarb and cross hatched them into a seat. You've also never used Pinterest but see how many pins you can get from this idea. Count up all your pins, luxuriate in the validation.
Fact: All moms are named Barbara.
Is a menorah a candelabra? Are 10 candles better than one? Can you stuff a handful of rhubarb stalks into a glass filled with oil and make it a homemade scent diffuser? Sell this idea to Pier 1 Imports, you are a fucking genius.
Make another Facebook invite for a "CANNING PARTY." You're going to have to invite different people since the last party lost you the trust of nearly every woman in your circle. This time, with the second tier invitees, suggest wearing bonnets and canning rhubarb to last through the winter harvest.
"Sry, can't make it to this one!" an ex-coworker named Natalie posts.
"Me either! Got plans with Jeremy!" another contributes.
Can 30 pounds of rhubarb by yourself on a Friday night while listening to Aretha Franklin. The next morning, leave one jar on all your friends' doorsteps. In gold Sharpie on the lid you have written, "CAN I LIVE."
You're getting good at this crafting shit.
Is rhubarb Beaker from the Muppets?
THIS COULD BE US
But you playin'.
Previously: Tax Terms, Explained
This is Seth Rogen's birthday. He turns 32 today. Seth Rogen was born in Vancouver, laughs like a Muppet, and is your ideal body type. He similarly has no idea how to do his own taxes.
I Rock SandalsREAD MORE
Millions of passwords, credit card numbers and other personal information may be at risk as a result of a major breakdown in Internet security revealed earlier this week. READ MORE