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On More Letters from Confused Straight Man

I'm not going to dismiss this guy right away. By his logic, anyone who is not having sex at this very second is abstinent. So get me a to a nunnery!

Posted on August 19, 2014 at 5:37 pm 4

On Remote Control Birth Control

NOPE! Then Y2K happens and I get pregnant. Or a solar flare happens and I get pregnant. Or some bitch in my sorority uses my remote on me while I'm sleeping and I get pregnant. Or a shark eats my arm off and I get pregnant. Or a group of 13 men run a heist on Las Vegas that involves the emission of an EMP and EVERYONE GETS PREGNANT. Or Oprah goes nuts and YOU get a pregnancy and YOU get a pregnancy and YOU get a pregnancy and EVERYONE IS PREGNANT!

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 11:59 am 1

On 10 Signs You're in a Catfish Situation

You've been caught ca-noodling more than once.

Posted on July 7, 2014 at 4:21 pm 0

On What Kind of Bird Are You?

If you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

Posted on June 23, 2014 at 4:41 pm 1

On Happy Rex Manning Day

"I decided I'd rather kill myself than meet Rex Manning."

Bwahahahahahha. Oh, Deb.

Posted on April 8, 2014 at 11:29 am 0

On BLAH: A Lifestyle Magazine for the Depressed Woman

More! More!!! Beauty tips! Affirmations! Work Outs! Sex tips!

Posted on April 1, 2014 at 1:30 pm 0

On How to Throw a Georgian-Era Christmas Party

I would be the drunk woman in the corner shoving apples and carrots into my updo (horse-hair, darling).

Posted on December 9, 2013 at 3:54 pm 1

On GOOPify Your Sweatshirt, With Googly Eyes

My eyes are UP HERE!

And on my tits.

Posted on November 19, 2013 at 4:15 pm 6

On "Literature should not disappear up its own asshole, so to speak": Happy Birthday, Kurt Vonnegut

I have purchased about nine copies of Welcome to the Monkey House. I lend it to people, but they never seem to want to give it back. It's a VERY good book.

Posted on November 11, 2013 at 1:18 pm 0

On Bottom Shelf Nail Polish Names

Fuck Pinterest
Together Lady
Teen Vogue Said So
Tooty Fruity (Toot like Fart)

Posted on July 8, 2013 at 2:21 pm 7