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On DO NOT GET MARRIED UNLESS YOU ASK YOUR PARTNER THESE 39 QUESTIONS

Thank you! I'm going to whisper these into my crush's ear while he sleeps [after I break into his house tonight].

Also, are you planning to post the correct answers or is there a key or something?

Posted on November 19, 2014 at 2:17 pm 1

On Bloodfeast: Scary White People Tacos

Every time we have tacos at the folks house, my dad tries to tell us how much easier everything would be if we had a lazy susan. #whitepeopletacos

My boyfriends likes to put salsa and melted velveeta into a bag of doritos. #whitepeopletacos

I ordered veggie fajita tacos in Iowa once. The veggies were the freezer bag vegetable medley--peas, carrots, corn. #whitepeopletacos

Posted on October 28, 2014 at 1:36 pm 2

On Not That Kind of Death: An Interview With Caitlin Doughty

My family can do whatever they want with my body. I'll be dead. We're a donate-the-organs and cremate-the-body type of family, and I'm cool with that.

The best was after my grandfather passed, we held on to his ashes forever--waiting to family to be in town, waiting for the ice to thaw, waiting for everything, essentially, to line up in order to scatter his ashes. When the day finally came, we were out on the boat and said some nice things. My uncle opened the cardboard box and *PLOP* dropped this shrink-wrapped dust stone into the water. It bobbed away and we shrugged our shoulders. Close enough.

Posted on October 27, 2014 at 5:47 pm 3

On A Cool Hip Writer Who Has Definitely Had Sex Profiles Cameron Diaz

Needs more bullfighting.

Posted on October 21, 2014 at 2:21 pm 0

On "This over-the-top Toronto mansion has hosted the likes of Pierre Elliott Trudeau and Jane Fonda, but its biggest claim to fame is a leading role in the Olsen twins' hit film It Takes Two."

It would be fun to make a horror version of "It Takes Two." If I remember correctly, the twins' characters aren't even related in the film. What if it was the story of a psychotic social worker who abducted children and got them plastic surgery to dopelgang the rich children of single, lovable men who happen to always be on the brink of marrying a gold-digging blonde.

Posted on October 20, 2014 at 11:47 am 0

On Items At A Specialty Grocery Store

When I was in the sixth grade, I purchased Janet Jackson's "janet" album. My mother asked to borrow it, but before I gave it to her, I painstakingly scribbled out the word Virgin (the record label) on the CD and liner notes. I don't know why.

I want that kind of olive oil. The virgin but not sex-related but embarrassed anyway because Moommmmmmmm.

Posted on September 29, 2014 at 12:45 pm 1

On We Are Now A Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen Appreciation Blog

Can someone please do some investigative reporting on the Mary-Kate and Ashley's claim that they are fraternal twins? Lies. LIES. Identical like the fish in my bed. Burn them!

Posted on September 22, 2014 at 1:41 pm 0

On

@Jazmine YES! I used to have to babysit my little sisters (twins!) and the only thing that ever would get them to settle down is MK+A's "My First Video." They probably could still sing "I am the Cute One" to perfection.

Posted on September 10, 2014 at 10:16 am 0

On Not Like Most Girls

I imagine Fitzpatrick is used to responses like, "Yes...mmhmmm...yes, yes...yesss...NO! NO! NO! ABORT!"

Posted on September 8, 2014 at 3:36 pm 0

On More Letters from Confused Straight Man

I'm not going to dismiss this guy right away. By his logic, anyone who is not having sex at this very second is abstinent. So get me a to a nunnery!

Posted on August 19, 2014 at 5:37 pm 4