wedding planner. motivational speaker. geisha.
No one else has said Worishofers?
@packedsuitcase So, my first baby died of a terrible genetic disease that wasn't detected in utero, and after that getting pregnant again was complicated (because of genetics stuff) and took a long time. (I'm at 13.5 weeks now.) During my two years of grief and waiting, every time I heard that someone I knew was pregnant or had had a healthy baby, it was like a knife in my heart. But at the same time, I wanted to know. I didn't want anyone to protect me by withholding or delaying the news, or by avoiding general discussion of baby plans or family stuff. That would've made me feel like an invalid.
I think the best thing is to ask your friend what she wants and needs from you.
Also when they want to wish each other luck, they're all, "Sticky baby dust to you!!!!!!!!!"
And some of them have these crazy animated signatures where they list out all their pets ("fur babies") alongside their pregnancy losses ("angel babies"), and then there are these undulating glitter swirl GIFs, which I guess is what the ACTUAL baby dust looks like.
@permanentbitchface This is probably kind of New York-centric of me, but... psychoanalytic institutes offer low-cost therapy with analysts in training. This obviously only applies if you think you're interested in longer term/psychodynamic therapy rather than shorter term/CBT or whatever. Also, some therapists will do sliding scale if you can come during less in-demand hours (e.g. early morning, midday). Also, if you have health insurance, it will probably pay something--and maybe even a fair amount--even if the therapist is out of network.
@Awesomely Nonfunctional I didn't really get that from the letter. Her feelings of disgust seem pretty balanced by caring about him/wanting to be married to to him. I don't mean to minimize--they obvs need some help. I guess I'm just trying to make the point that marriages (and long term relationships) are complicated and full of mixed feelings and ambivalence. Intimacy is hard! And the whole dynamic changes when you have a baby. I think I'm rambling, sorry. Anyway to me the LW sounds honest and human, and not like a terrible person. The key is to catch it early, and work on it before it hardens to 24/7 revulsion and disgust.
@Awesomely Nonfunctional I actually think it's pretty normal in a marriage to sometimes find your partner repulsive, and it doesn't make you a horrible person. Like sometimes my husband is sitting next to me on the couch snarfing potato chips, and I'm like OMG MURDER-SUICIDE. Or maybe I am a horrible person, I dunno! A horrible person who hates mouth sounds.
I can't believe I spelled Rees wrong. Rees Rees Rees.
I'm late here so probably nobody's gonna read this, but I wanted to add how lovely it is to hear from people how your lost love one impacted them. And also their memories. And there is no expiration date on this stuff. As I already said above, I had a sick baby and he died at nine weeks, and every time someone tells me they remember how soft his skin was or how strong his grip was or how beautiful was (he was so beautiful!), I feel so happy that the world remembers.
Last week I realized that I never told my aunt who lost two babies how those cousins lived in my imagination in my childhood, even though they were born and died almost 10 years before I was born. I wrote her an email about how I used to imagine the two of them growing up in my super-awesome childhood idea of life after death, and watching over me and loving me from there. And it made her feel really good. And now I'm thinking, Jesus, why did I wait all these years to say these things??
But it's really never too late.
Trilby, I'm so sorry.
I have a friend who lost a baby at 36 weeks, and she actually had to end a really old/close friendship when the friend informed her like six months in that she should be "over it" already.
It makes me so mad that people are so uncomfortable with this stuff. I'm like, fuck you, bad things can happen to all of us, it's called LIFE, duh! (Speaking of chips on shoulders.)
My baby got really sick after he was born (after a completely normal and full-term pregnancy) and died at 9 weeks. I have been lucky in that I haven't gotten those "You're okay now, right?" comments from my family and friends, but it's a whole other story for my husband. His family and his coworkers were supportive while our son was alive, but after he died they all retreated, and no one ever asks him, "How are you doing?" or anything. (His/our friends do, thank goodness.) When his family reaches out, it is to me, as if I'm the truly bereft one. And sometimes his work people say, "How's your wife?" ARE PEOPLE RETARDED????
Our culture's expectations of men can make grief especially lonely for them and that is totally bullshit.