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On The Best Time I Lubricated My Chicken's Vagina-Butt

@StLAmy I can't tell you how much this solution amuses me, and I wish I could suggest it as a solution to all things.

Possibly someone should put Kanye under a bucket until he straightens up and realizes it's a terrible idea to marry Kim! Maybe drug addicts should just be put under a bucket until they forget drugs exist!

Also, I concur that chickens are STOOPID.

Posted on May 23, 2014 at 3:34 pm 0

On On Having a Gay Voice

I read somewhere that Kathleen Turner constantly chewed pencil erasers behind her back teeth to length/strengthen/thicken her vocal cords. Which worked insofar as she was SUPER sexxxy in the '80s/'90s but now, ohhhh but now, Kathleen, what have you DONE!

Also, that English teacher, MAN. I won't detail the things I'd like done to him, but they aren't nice. And they don't involve candy; rainbow colored or otherwise. Fuck him.

Posted on April 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm 2

On For Our Periods, An App For That (That Being Our Periods)

I use period tracker - not even the free version, but I (warning TMI upcoming!) had a miscarriage a few months ago, fairly far along (20 weeks) and now Period Tracker just thinks that, I had like, 5 months between periods? So now it wants my period to be due in 60+ days. It's very ridiculous. How can a PERIOD APP not have the capability to be told if you're pregnant?

Posted on January 23, 2014 at 2:01 pm 0

On Beware the Sugar-Free Gummy Bear

In college I live in a sorority house in a suite of rooms with 4 other girls - and one night we consumed multiple bags of potato chips with Olestra - like, the old school '90s Olestra. Similar results ensued.

Posted on January 17, 2014 at 2:14 pm 0

On How to Enjoy the Airport This Holiday Travel Season

I also love the airport and I totally get the "forced" relaxation thing. I love it! I love that someone else feels like this!

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 5:22 pm 3

On Four Unfunny Truths About Laughter Yoga

@IanG I originally read this as "an hour of licking" but..you know, whatever works I guess!

Posted on December 13, 2013 at 12:18 pm 0

On What If Gwyneth Paltrow Is Merely a Mirror of Our Own Obnoxiousness?

@nyikint Not anymore GOD.

But...yes...we were doing coke without you.

Posted on August 21, 2013 at 4:56 pm 2

On What If Gwyneth Paltrow Is Merely a Mirror of Our Own Obnoxiousness?

@Ladyface I am terrifyingly unable to place the driving force behind my Taco Bell addiction - I think it's the cinnamon twists...

Posted on August 21, 2013 at 4:55 pm 1

On What If Gwyneth Paltrow Is Merely a Mirror of Our Own Obnoxiousness?

The most annoying part of the "rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin" statement is that she says TIN - not CAN. Because she's just that European everyone. I bet she also "rings" people and takes the "lift".

Posted on August 21, 2013 at 4:54 pm 7

On Nice to Meet You, Internet

@laurel This is a false hope because I'M SURE the capital to create such a website would be in the BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

Posted on August 16, 2013 at 12:23 pm 3