@fozzywozzy you make it sound so easy to share that sort of thing. After having been rejected once on the basis of being a virgin, it's hard to imagine myself fearlessly sharing the info now. Especially if its with someone I'm really into. The guy I have feelings for now has so much more experience than me. I can't help but think that he'd be bothered or worried by the extreme differences in our experience levels. At the same time, it could hurt things if I don't tell him. A catch-22 I'm not happy about.
@undercoverpinner Hey there, I'm in a similar boat and have just started using a larger, penetrating vibrator just as you described. I definitely feel like it is giving me more confidence and a sense of what the pain level might be with P in V sex. In my opinion, you aren't ruining anything because virginity is a state of mind. Sex is about the experience you have with someone, not just what's physically happening to your body in a literal sense. I don't think using a vibe counts as losing your v-card. There's nothing special or wonderful about extra pain, in my mind. If anything you're just easing one of the icky aspects of the whole thing.
Also, keep in mind that many women don't experience orgasms from P in V sex so you might not be in for that much of a treat anyways. Don't beat yourself up if you don't get off from it. You might want to try a rabbit style vibe so that you get some clit stimulation from it along with the penetration. This will motivate you to use it and keep experimenting.
I totally get what you are saying about not wanting to be a mess when the right guy comes along. I think some of that is hard to avoid, no matter what. My biggest question right now is whether I have to tell the guy that I'm a virgin. I've done that before and it did NOT go well. I'm getting to the point where I'd just rather not have that convo at all because I'm afraid of how the guy will react, even if he's a nice person. I think it's something not a lot of them have thought about and may not be prepared to respond to. Most of my friends don't know and just assume that I'm experienced, because from outside appearances you'd never guess.
'pinners - what's the verdict - to tell or not to tell?
Puerto Rico! I did a solo trip there this summer for less than $1000k. Stayed in this awesome AirBnB apartment with a kitchen. Saved soo much money by not eating out and drinking, and the beach was within walking distance. I also took a day trip to another beach by renting a car at Avis, which was only about $40 for one day. It was a blast, and I didn't really get harassed much. You can practice your Spanish or just use your English - it's up to you!
Anyways, can't say much more than it was awesome, and Old San Juan is beautiful.
@j-i-a I think you are right, there usually is a childhood factor. I also think the way you describe it, as 'complicating' sex is appropriate. I don't think it's dysfunction per se, but it definitely makes sexual experience less cut and dry.
Thanks again for doing this series - I hope there are at least a few more to come.
@Petrichoria and CountessMaritza That blog seems really great, from what I can tell. I do think it's really important to separate Christianity's original essence from the crazed modern culture it has become. There are many things taught in Evangelical churches that are straight up tangental to scripture.
I LOVE what you have to say about mystery. Crazy as it may sound, that's why I'm kind of drawn to the mystic christian thinkers of the middle ages. I think the enlightenment and scientific revolution really transformed Christianity, which is why we have Christians who say that creationism is scientifically proven. It's just madness for God's sake!
I have to say, I am really enjoying the conversation over here (sorry I fell off for a bit, this weekend was a black hole!) I made a google group so that anyone who's interested could discuss further without clogging up this page. I really hope a few of you will take me up on this offer, especially you, @Petrichoria, because we are in such a similar positon.
I made it an open group so anyone is free to join.
@Petrichoria Also: I feel broken too. Not very healthy. Which is the exact opposite of what those church teachings intended to come from all of this.
@Petrichoria This all sounds so familiar it's scary. I'm so there with you. Never really seen a penis, don't know what do to with one. I think the hardest part is you close yourself off to men simply because you don't want to try to explain your history or hangups. I mean, I'm sure it sounds super bizarre to people who weren't raised the way we were. I don't know how to tell a man I like him - I've had so many unrequited loves, who knows what would have happened had I actually found the courage to tell them. You are so right about wanting to "practice intimacy" - I mean, sex and intimacy are not just a light you switch on and are good at (although I do have a counter-example or two from friends). But even so - is that a life I want? A life where I end up with one person and only am ever intimate with them? I don't really believe that I won't question my choice and wonder what I'd know had I been in more relationships. To give a concrete example - for a long time I thought I could end up with someone who was also a virgin. When I got out into the real world, I realized this was not a realistic expectation, but that was OK. I used to think that if I was with someone who had been with other people, I'd be jealous that they had dated other women and wish they hadn't. Instead, I'm realizing that I'd actually be jealous they were out having fun while I was practicing "chastity". This realization opened my eyes to my own desires, in a big way.
I wish I had a good answer to how to break out of the conundrum that's been created by a late, semi-involuntary virginity and lack of experience. If there wasn't a (residual) religious component or a desire on your part to find someone who you like, I'm sure it would be easier, but that's not the situation. For me, not being able to tell a guy I like him I think goes back to the whole "don't give pieces of your heart away" thing. I put so much stress on trying to decide if he's someone I could see myself with forever, and then I decide that I like him and then it's like WOAH, so many feelings!! I get choked up for fear of rejection from this person I've decided I want to be with FOREVER. I mean, what really happened to "let's see where things go, man..." Those IKDG values really fuck with you in a lot of ways.
Do you experience this at all? I'm really trying to make headway on these issues in my life, partly because of a "quarter life crisis" or whatever you want to call it. This one blog written by a former evangelical woman has been really helpful: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/the-purity-culture-key-posts
Mostly, it's been giving me reinforcement for a lot of the things I'd already been thinking.
@dj pomegranate I think I'm on the cusp of "owning it". :)
@Punk-assBookJockey Thanks for replying! It's interesting to hear you say that sex isn't that emotional for you. I don't know how I'll actually feel about it, but I don't think I want it to be incredibly emotional. I don't know why it needs to be... I do think those claims about sex being deep and spiritual were used as tools to instill fear and control. I mean, I don't want to take sex so lightly that I don't respect it, but at the same time I don't want it to be on a pedestal either.
Thanks for the support - sometimes external voices and anecdotes are really helpful.
@themmases Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. When I said that I don't want to pick between worldviews, what I really meant was that I'm trying to reconcile my faith with my beliefs and feelings about sexuality. As far as I see it, most of these "purity" teachings are based on broad interpretations of a handful of scriptures. "Sexual immorality" and fornication can have a wide array of meanings. Instead of believing that premarital sex is wrong and doing it anyways, I want to make sure that my beliefs and actions are in harmony. I think this might help prevent a lot of guilt and shame.
I've slowly moved from "waiting 'til marriage" to "waiting 'til I'm in love" to some form of waiting to find someone who: 1. I am attracted to 2. know well enough to trust and be open with 3. Makes me feel comfortable. I'll admit I don't actually know what God considers right and wrong as far as sex, but I don't think God wants me to feel like I'm imprisoned in my own body, like I am now. Religious people (and my parents) would jump all over me for saying this, but I think that God is actually encouraging me to learn how to embrace and express my sexuality. I mean, it's a whole part of me, for god's sake!
To be honest, I thought I'd be married by now. BUT I'm so glad I'm not. I don't want to rush that. I often tell my best friend that I'd rather sleep with the wrong guy than marry the wrong guy. I think in a backwards way my sexual desires have made me feel like I need to rush getting married and find the right guy ASAP. That's not a good feeling either, especially when you can't control whether or not you meet someone.
I get what you're saying about masturbation. I realized some time last year that part of my sexual desire was not just to "get off" but to also enjoy the interaction. I think that's sort of akin to what you're referring to, it's just that I don't have a specific person in mind with these feelings.