@Springtime for Voldemort I .. um.. okay? The plural of anecdote is not data. Not really sure what you're saying at all, other than your friends date really indecisive, wishy-washy guys. Seriously, ladies, asking a guy out will not result in a multi-year relationship that the dude feels forced into that could have been avoided if he had just been given the chance to ask the lady out himself (or not).
There is nothing gender-essentialist about dating.
I guess I'm being rather combative about all of this because I just got dumped. By a lady who asked me out first. Which was great, because I would have had no idea she was interested in me otherwise.
@paddlepickle Sure, yes, I understand, but that's a copout, really, because both men and women want things to be different. Guess what? It rarely works out when most guys ask women out, too. It's a leap of faith no matter who does the asking.
If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. Not to mention I think it's a safe assumption that most of the women who read and post on The Hairpin are not the type of women who are interested in dudes who are Patriarchy First types (bro culture types).
Why don't girls ask guys out? If you think a dude is cool and would like to spend time with him in person, do something about it. If you'd like to do something more than hang out with him in his apartment and watch movies and have sex, why don't you ask him to do that thing with you? Don't wait around for him to send a Formal Date Request. Take matters into your own hands. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Roses?
A Lazy Woman's Guide To Being Seduced:
2. Keep waiting
3. Don't initiate conversations; instead, be unhappy with guys' attempts to do so with you, however lackluster they may be; bonus points for being aloof and coy instead of forthright and honest
4. Have specific desires for what you'd like to do with someone or where you'd like that someone to take you, but never communicate those desires
5. See nos. 1 - 4
@Seattle One book I absolutely love for many reasons, but especially for its portrayal of a nuanced, caring, healthy relationship (and friendship), is Wallace Stegner's "Crossing to Safety." It is quiet and slow-going, but highly recommended. Same also with another book of his, "Angle of Repose," which is one of the best books I've ever read, and an absolutely incredible love story.
@mystique yes - yes - yes!!! The lack of sexually dominant/aggressive women in media is also really depressing. If they exist, they seem to be one of a few kinds:
a) the smart, powerful, capable women who has no time/energy for men and is perpetually undersexed
b) the stereotypical-kinky-BDSM-domme-y type who crushes balls and whips people and makes men her slave
I really like Kathryn Bigelow's older films for representations of powerful, capable, sexually attractive women -- I'm thinking of "Strange Days" in particular (where Angela Bassett is both super sexy and super kick-ass and is the heroine and frequently saves Ralph Fienne's kind of bumbling, useless ass) and also "Near Dark."
My message to the powerful, take-charge, dominant women out there: there are men out there who are not intimidated by you. Find us.
@Linette My previous strategy was "meet girls on the internet in spaces where we had things in common, develop a long-distance relationship with them, visit them, fall in love, and then uproot self (or have her uproot herself) in order to be together." I did this more than once. This is not a solution I recommend.
Since I split up with my last girlfriend, who was one of the ones who uprooted herself and then ended up using me as a support system etc. etc. (long story), I swore off the long-distance thing. That was two years ago. I've been single since then, with some OkCupiding that has resulted in its own kinds of disasters.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying "I have no idea. Sorry."
@cecil hungry Thanks. I'm not a virgin or anything, I've had several girlfriends, I'm just kind of annoyed by the limited spectrum of male heterosexuality that is represented in media, etc. and also the assumption that someone (especially a guy) who is submissive or passive sexually must also be submissive or passive in other areas of his life, which is certainly not true at all.
I'm also experiencing a protracted rut of "meeting all the wrong people," which may or may not be a related issue.
I really liked reading this, because it's really honest and forthright, and more specifically, as a dude myself, it's very refreshing to see other kinds of male sexuality discussed and presented rather than "GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL, GO GET IT, BRO" which really doesn't work for me.
Nearly all of my single guy friends seem to have this attitude, and I just cannot relate to it at all. I guess I'm pretty submissive, actually, but it seems there is no representation or discussion of this kind of male sexuality in any kind of public space at all. Everyone seems to believe I must be a "pussy" or gay, and I'm neither. I just really like permission.
Thanks for sharing this.
@pank cosign. great film. unsettling.
@Gef the Talking Mongoose Sound design (and use of color) is actually what scares me the most.
Argento's Suspiria is probably the best example in this vein. Like, Goblin's soundtrack to Suspiria is horrifying enough at it is, but in the context of the film, with the fucked up colors and camera angles that permeate nearly every shot, the soundtrack becomes overwhelming and alienating and horrifying. Bonus points if you get really stoned first.
In the same vein is Beyond the Black Rainbow, which I was skeptical of at first, but which COMPLETELY, TOTALLY won me over. Best horror film I've seen in a long time. Need to re-watch it.