Nicki: Hey Drizzy, I have a favor to ask...
Drake: Threesome with you and RiRi?
Nicki: Oh Drake! LOL. Ok, so my butt cheeks are making this new video, and I wanted to see if you could guest rap a verse?
Drake: Oh wow. To be honest, I feel like I already covered starting from the bottom and now I've kind of moved past that, you know?
Nicki: I mean, they're two different kinds of bottoms...my new song features a lot of play on words. Like did you know an anaconda is actually a type of penis metaphor invented in the nineties by Sir Ben Kingsley, Sir Paul McCartney, and Sir Mix-A-Lot?
Drake: Yeah, of course I knew that. But look, I'm really busy this summer. I have that tour with Lil Wayne and everyone knows we're like the Affleck and Damon of our time. I really don't have time to come up with lyrics about how your butt makes me feel.
Nicki: What if you just phoned it in like Jay Z in "Drunk in Love"??
Drake: I'm too much of an artist! I'm getting an idea though...what if you gave me a twerk heavy lap dance–
Drake: –in the video? I need my Robin Thicke moment.
Nicki: Ohhh! That sounds sexy! I could wear a bra and some booty revealing leggings from the sex shop?
Drake: Well if we're going for sexy, I could wear some mesh basketball shorts and sneakers!
Nicki: Are you sure you don't want to do anything more?
Drake: No, you're right. We're good friends. I want to help you out. How about instead of rapping, I'll sit in a chair wearing gym clothes while making my "I have a boner!" face?
Nicki: These are great ideas. Any others?
Drake: What if you ate a ton of bananas in this video?? Everyone knows bananas are the sexiest potassium-rich food there is.
[Photo via YouTube]
So can we talk some more about the video for Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda?" The title is a reference of course to Sir-Mix-A-Lot's classic line from "Baby Got Back," "my anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun." The anaconda he is referring to is I believe his penis, which he also calls Sir-Metaphors-A-Lot. READ MORE
Your friend: [30 minutes before you're meeting] "Hey, it it cool if I bring my boyfriend along last minute to our catch up brunch we've been planning all week?"
You: OK. [You caught that "OK" is text-speak for "No" right??]
Your friend: Yay! We can talk about anything in front of him. Seriously! [Anything except all my relationship (and that weird sex thing he did that I told you about once!!) problems with him!]
You: So what's...[search for acceptable neutral topic and give up]... new this week?
Friend and Friend's New Boyfriend: [40 minute long story about a Blue Apron dinner they made. Spoiler: It was such a fun night and it turned out delicious!]
Friend: So what's up with [something in your romantic life you don't feel like getting into in front of Friend's New Boyfriend]?
You: It's going great...
Friend: But what about [refers to a more interesting part of the story you were saving all week to tell in person at brunch]?
You: Umm, well [continues to tell a very PG version of that story which rivals their Blue Apron story in terms of sexual provocativeness]
Friend's Boyfriend: [Unsolicited really bad advice]
Friend: He's so great! He's like one of the girls, right?!
You: [Orders another drink. Then another.]
Michelle still had a really great time at brunch and was definitely not referring to the time you brought your boyfriend last minute.
Charli XCX just released a new song, "Break The Rules" from her upcoming album Sucker. It's really catchy and perfect for this time of year, the hook is about not going to school, but rather breaking all types of rules. I'd listen at your desk right now, or possibly on the elliptical during your cool down period later. [Slate]
Meredith: Yay, a chat!
Michelle: I think this is a really great idea for our first day!
Meredith: Heartily cosign. The world needs more us talking to each other.
Michelle: Seriously. So we just had a really important business meeting last Wednesday to discuss big editorial things for this week...and I’m trying to remember everything we talked about because rosé...
Meredith: We definitely talked a bunch of rosé, but I’m pretty sure we also touched on important business topics, like boys, what the problem with boys was, how we could fix the problem with boys…
Michelle: Yeah, I’m really surprised more hot babes weren’t hitting on us at the Belgian wine bar/small plates bistro we met at while discussing Millennial dudes and their emotions
Meredith: I don’t remember our waiter or waitress but I am pretty sure he and or she found us delightful? It was probably the screeching that clinched it. And the lying about how we would order food but then just ordering rosé and taking up a table. But I know at one point I said, “that’s a good idea, write that down!” and then drunkenly spilled some wine.
Michelle: OMG yes we wrote things down!! Ok [opens up iphone notes]...Ok. I wrote down “Reality Bites – Meredith doesn’t like Ethan Hawke, but I feel weird for liking Ben Stiller cause I love that he plays the reggae version of “Baby, I Love Your Way” as make out music." Also I wrote down “Summer turtlenecks” ??!!
Meredith: I do feel very negatively toward both Troy and Michael in that movie and also I did not have to look up those names, thank you and you’re welcome. But why doesn’t Lelaina have better options? Is Ben Stiller all we have to look forward to in adulthood? He still owns a Doctor Zaius action figure!
Michelle: But weren’t Doctor Zaius action figures the ‘90s dude equivalent of PlayStations? Wiis? Vinyl collections mostly "borrowed" from their Dads?
Meredith: You can’t see me but I am looking blankly at you right now. Although I do like a good, borrowed Simon & Garfunkel album, I guess. I just think the real lesson of that movie is “there have to be more than two dudes in Austin, TX, and also wearing your pajamas = depression.”
Michelle: TRUE. I’ve never worn my pajamas more than a two block radius from my apartment and been in a really good place. Speaking of two dudes...who would you rather: Simon OR Garfunkel?
Meredith: As someone who is always trying to figure out how to be more and more like Carrie Fisher, this is kind of too easy. Paul. Paul all day. Paul like he was the Beatle.
Michelle: Was just thinking that! You could call out his name and secretly be thinking of Paul McCartney and he would be NONE THE WISER. To be honest, I grew up on the Simon and Garfunkel greatest hits album where Paul Simon on the cover is sporting both a mustache, and '70s Kangol (?) and basically looks like Gallagher and it was really sexually confusing :/
Meredith: You know, you can also call him Al and he won’t get mad either. (Sorry not sorry!) Important question to circle back: Paul M or John L? Check which boy you like better.
Michelle: John! (Real answer: Paul) Those eyes! Also he seems like he'd know how to grill out more. OK, Mandy Patinkin or (taking a long time to think of anyone that could possible compete with Mandy Patinkin) OR Michael Fassbender. But like Chicago Hope era Mandy Patinkin and Michael Fassbender, present day, in a movie where he’s both naked and has an accent.
Meredith: Okay, so when you typed Mandy Patinkin I initially just went, “yes” out loud, alone in my apartment, but this is a tough one. Is Michael Fassbender himself (about whom I have heard not good things) or a movie character (about whom I have heard not good things)? Doesn’t matter, actually, Fassbender. I feel like this question is your own Sophie’s Choice though, can you decide?
Michelle: It is my Sophie’s Choice. I would go with…[types and deletes for a long time] Mandy Patinkin for the pillow talk! (<— sentence that’s never been said before)
Meredith: Honestly, I bet if you asked nice he would do an accent too. Well, I’m glad we’re not choosing the same dudes, because that would have made our other brilliant, wine-infused idea pretty awkward. Thanks to Twitter (thanks Twitter!), I know that we were all set to try to lure two unsuspecting dudes onto a double date we could write about… And we went about it really smoothly.
Michelle: Oh yeah! We did! It's really weird our idea based on something Hannah did with Laird on Girls didn't pan out. Then when dudes would DM us, we’d be like “LOL but we’re Twitter friends and it would be for a live-tweeted double date, LOLOLOL. Awk-ward!”
Meredith: We also marred both my Tinder (not that I have a Tinder) and OKCupid profiles (not that I have an OKCupid profile) with it. Something like, “My friend and I need a double date for 8/25 NOT FOR AN ARTICLE (yes for an article).” I woke up to a bunch of uncomfortable messages from uncomfortable strangers.
Michelle: SCREENSHOTS please!!! Oh wait, should we just start a viral Tumblr to book deal about this? Also, do you remember what we were planning to do with the “summer turtleneck” piece idea? Is that a thing? Are we making it a thing?
Meredith: I mean, it sounds like the beginnings of a very profitable small business. Maybe the turtleneck could be made of ice paks? I know that I wrote down, “casual cape” so I have to assume that’s related.
Michelle: K, it’s almost 5pm, so we should probs get into more rosé and try to remember?
Meredith: Already pouring. Let’s do this.
[image via hotflick]
You may want to check out The Killers' cover of "Fancy" (2014's "Get Lucky" ??! :/) from the V Festival this weekend. Also, now I'm listening to "Mr. Brightside" and I forgot how listening to this song was one of my favorite things during the Bush-era years. [Vulture]
We did it. This was a week full of feels and we made it through. We followed the devastating news in Ferguson, Mo. We said goodbye to Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall. We owned our dislike of Boyhood. We learned what it felt like to be pregnant week by week, then overheard what people talk about when watching childbirth videos (“Annnnnd that's your butthole."), then we thought about eating our grandparents. READ MORE