On “This book is a warning of how bad things can get for a single man looking for beautiful, feminine, sexy women"
@Bebe Once I learned what it was, I realized I had been negged. But at the time, I thought they were clueless on how to strike up a conversation with a woman (not that I was any better at striking up conversations myself!) and then a-holes as their insults escalated.
@sunflowers Is it because I'm no longer young and have experienced a lot of what the world throws at me that I completely get Coates' piece and find it incredible that his personal writing is as gut-wrenchingly gorgeous as his social and political analyses are erudite? Because I find the requisite irony in contemporary culture soulless and delight in geeky appreciation of whatever the hell I enjoy?
Maybe it just hit me where my thoughts have been flying around. Maybe one day, if I am lucky, I will have a person-love that can compare.
@Julia duMais The backlash is brought to you by the-men-who-WANT-to-work-80-hour-weeks-because-they want-to-show-how-awesome-they-are-that-they-don't-need-those-pansy-Scandinavian-work-life-balance-policies-that-make-everyone-more-infantile. AKA what I hate about the intersection of competition for scarce employment and neo-liberal hegemonic masculinity...
@causedbycomma Same "feel better" sentiment; over 40 and still single. Also, I have many middle and working class friend versions of these stories, none of whom have the elite credentials and contacts of the women in the article. And so many of the men I have met have signaled in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that they want the traditional marriage set-up. And the whole lot of us are ridiculously more privileged than most women in the world, which is my favorite unstated point of Jia's reaction.
Oh, those last two paragraphs! Especially: "bands you attach to become metonymous with parts of your heart" and "I hadn't learned what's so dumbly obvious now, that love is much more complicated than the kind delivered through headphones rather than flesh" Sigh. I do still experience the enchantment you describe, I think *because* I've seen shying away from love and beautiful things becoming scary so very, very, often, and I have to find the hope and bliss somewhere.
Such a beautifully written piece. Thank-you.
@tmmoore I am approximately 2 X 20, and I still sometimes suffer from the delusion that "everyone would inevitably become their fullest, most perfect and happy selves if they just tried their best." I see people who do, and I think, "That guy in one of my favorite bands, and my friends' poet husband, and a girl who picked on me in high school did...why can't yoooouuuu" about people I care about who seem to want to stay far away from being their best self. Of course, I'm still a work in progress...
@oh! valencia Yes, from having watched so many radical life changes people made 30ish +. Such as hippie chick becomes corporate CEO. Or corporate guy becomes hipster social activist. Or the wild people who sober up and become sage elders and have completely different relationships with their youngest child than the crazy one with their oldest.
My own late 30s crazy transitional time seemed to push me into a few situations that seemed oh so like my late teens crazy transitonal time (when yeah I knew I was a mess, but not so sure I was a hot one lol!) to a strange degree...But wow, happy for the life experience that helped me identify crappy stuff, step outside of it and see what was going on and set boundaries and make changes so much more quickly.
@faceifer Triphasics did me and maybe a few budding relationships in; I haven't been willing to risk a relationship to try another kind of pill!
@Edie W I laughed out loud because I did get involved with someone who should rightfully be called a "turd slower." Consistently tearing someone down does that definitely!
@rayray Thank-you for this! Timely, as I can totally relate. Also an ambiguous male friend recently suggested that I was whining, when I was simply explaining the tasks that were keeping me tired and busy that week. Now I know people who whine and I've definitely had periods of my life where I whined. My factual explanation did not even have a hint of complaining.
Do some people think whining means "saying anything remotely negative or expressing something different than I want you to?"