@megmurray What a lovely story! Thanks for sharing :) I'm so glad y'all are happy!
@RNL I'm not a bit offended, I like to hear people's thoughts on these topics. And, yes, abstinence from all sexual activity. The "everything but" idea is something I go back and forth with - I feel like that's doing something that obeys the letter, but not the spirit, of a decision to remain celibate. But - perhaps because I have a really heteronormative mental block that gives too much weight to penetrative sex - I also understand it. (And, of course, there's the whole safer-sex/no-pregnancy thing.)
It's not an easy path to choose, that's for sure. I'm an unusually tactile person, and physical affection - even if it's kept PG-13 - is really important to me. I've quoted this before, but there was a great interview on The Hairpin a while back where a virgin said, "My sexuality and my virginity are both important to me." Not to sound like a Catholic cheerleader, but I grew up with a parish priest who gave really good talks about that to my youth group - the idea that sexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, and it's something that we have to navigate with all of the people in our lives, not just sexual partners. The way I dress, the way I talk, all of that can be an expression of my sexuality - so thinking about it more holistically has helped me, because I don't think that part of me is dead or buried, by any means.
Just chiming in to champion Emma Forrest's excellent memoir "Your Voice in My Head" - not sure if I'd call it a "coming of age" story, but it's a really lovely exploration of her twenties/thirties.
I'm also reminded of something Emily Gould said once - "If a woman writes about herself, she's a narcissist. If a man does the same, he's describing the human condition."
@ThatWench Hello! Thanks for your message - definitely looking both for advice/commiseration/conversation.
I...have a hard time articulating why I'm waiting. Which only really complicates things! (I'm in my mid-twenties, by the way.)
I come from a strong Irish Catholic background, and while the stereotypical shame-y messages about sex were definitely part of my upbringing, I also heard a lot of really beautiful messages about sexuality (think Theology of the Body), which have led me to feel that sex is something I only want to share with a husband. I can't even fully articulate why - an expression of reverence for sex, a respect for its procreative properties, the ability to follow through on a goal I've set for myself -
I completely understand why people choose differently.
I'm in a bit of an awkward place, dating-wise, because I'm a pretty liberal, not-overly-devout girl. I tend to date men with pretty similar values, and it's just a constant struggle, in the sense that they respect my choice, and many of them have said they also believe there's something beautiful about waiting until marriage.
BUT. They don't want to choose it for themselves. And if they date me...they're making that choice.
Frankly, I don't blame them. I'm upfront about the no-sex thing, and let them know that I understand if it's a deal breaker, though I hope it won't be.
I don't know if any of that makes sense - it doesn't even make sense to me, some days! And I'm open to the fact that I might change my mind someday (though I worry that decision could be made to please a partner, which is one reason why having firm boundaries can be quite useful for someone like me, who doesn't tend to have them in many areas of my life).*
Always happy to hear thoughts! May I ask your thoughts on the subject?
*I maaaay have just said a mouthful there.
So, this is a bit off topic, but LW4 reminds me of my current dilemma: dating while celibate-until-marriage.
I like to think I'm a good hang! But, damn, am I better than getting laid? (Reading Lindsay's quote about how "you're so awesome it's no sacrifice at all.") I can't speak from experience, but my recent dating partners have suggested....not so much. (sad trombone noise)
This is unrelated to anything, with the exception of the terribleness of boys, but this weekend I sort-of broke up with someone (long story), and in the middle of the conversation, he stopped, grabbed his phone, and pulled up a video of kittens to try to cheer me up. I was like, "You are the actual human worst right now. HOW DARE YOU TAINT INTERNET KITTENS FOR ME."
On Women Love "MommyJuice," Much As Our 1897 Selves Loved Dollar-Fifty Heroin From the Sears Catalog
Hmm. I come from a long line of alcoholics, both female and male, and gave up drinking in my early twenties. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I had an uncomfortable relationship with booze. People tend to be very dismissive - "c'mooooon, you weren't that bad," "I'm sure you were fine."
I wonder if part of that is because, while we've made strides toward understanding functional alcoholism, our cultural mindset is still "go full steam/bottom out/clean up." And I don't think we really have a way to talk about the nuance of addiction - I wasn't an addict, but I wasn't healthy, either.
@milominderbender Yeah....I like Lily, but I felt as though she was the only one who got to be in on the joke? The dancers seemed to be the "straight women" in the comedy (dancing without a lot of smiling, etc.) -
For example, around 3:50, Lily is laughing after slapping a dancer's butt, obviously mocking the dancing. It would've been a lot cooler, I think, if the rest of the women had been shown laughing. Then, the comedy could have come from, "Wow, look at this absurd sexualization." But since it was Lily, the comedy seemed to be, "Haha, I'm a rich white lady, doing a culturally atypical dance!"
On Zadie Smith on Love, Death: "I was in mourning and it was winter, and the city was all stone and diagonal rain to me"
Zadie Smith's work is so lovely.
David Sedaris' essay about grief (and traveling, actually) is also making the rounds today - quite affecting: http://nyr.kr/1gZhrck
On The Bro Pie
@Lucienne Look what Iiiiiii found...
Another wedge in this pie should be "Really psyched to see 'Don Jon,' because I relate way too much to the (a) Funky Bunch rapping and (b) Scarlett lust."