Wow. I wish this story was a whole book. So ominous and claustrophobic and menacing.
Also, "Sam slept for the entire flight from Ireland back to Chicago, meaning I could hold his hand without him tugging it away." I had a boyfriend like this once, and now I wish I could go back in time and scream at myself for accepting this kind of treatment.
Thank you for sharing.
"Still, I couldn’t help but grow paranoid that the attraction wasn’t reciprocal."
That hit home for me; I was in a relationship once where just received enough feedback to keep going, just barely. The paranoia that builds inside of you when your partner can't figure out what they want. They think they want someone, but it isn't necessarily you or the next person, but how are you supposed to know? I'm glad it's over and that I'm seeing someone who is much more in tune with their mental health.
@paddlepickle I had a friend in the same situation as this LW and so maybe I'm comparing it too much to this experience. But this girl, who was straight but didn't seem to have any sexual interest, kept pushing the girlfriend's buttons with comments like: "you're his girlfriend, but we're, like, best friends". She would hang out with him when she wasn't around and then brag about it in group settings. It drove her nuts, but no one else seemed to notice, so she felt especially crazy.
I agree that how one reacts to this is key, because you can lose a lot of cred that moment you insist on your boyfriend ending a friendship because you're insecure, but you can't dismiss that this chick is clearly manipulative, having done it once already (admitting it seemed like weird foreshadowing, too), and can't be completely absolved.
@lunaesque Yeah. If I'm with a friend and their partner, I will say "hi" to the partner, ask how they are and so on. I'll include them if for no other reason than they're important to my friend and their well being matters to my friend. I care about my friend so why wouldn't I want to get on decently with their partner and be interested in how they are too?
If we take out the partner angle (for clarity), the same thing is still true for people who are otherwise important to my friends. When I meet a friend's parents for instance, I'm polite to them. I talk with them. I certainly don't ignore them. I may not relate to them in the same way that I relate to my friend, but I do make an effort to relate to them in some way, and to get along at least minimally because that's part of being a good friend: being decent towards the people who matter to my friend.
It's a basic friendship fail, even before we get to the weird reveal about asking former-best-friend to donate sperm in such a way that former-best-friend's girlfriend was left horrified by the situation. Why would you do that to a friend?! I mean you must have had some idea that their partner will also have an opinion and needs and feelings in that situation, right? So wouldn't you be working doubly hard - if anything - to get to know her, let her get to know you, and to see how you all feel about each other, before making such a huge request? If you'd done that, you might know it wasn't right to ask, or even if you asked, you might have done it in a way that showed you'd understand if the answer was "no", and that might have saved that friendship. If she was treating former-best-friend's partner anything like LW, I don't see how she was doing any groundwork in her friendship to support making such a huge request of the couple. It smacks of blind self-interest trumping the empathy needed for a good friendship, let alone a BEST friendship.
Good friends understand that their friends exist in a web of relationships that are also important to the well being of those friends, and they work with that in the friendship. A best friend - of all people - should be making even more of an effort to get along with their best friend's significant people. The whole thing speaks to me of bad friendship and weird boundaries, and I think LW and her partner are well out of that one.
By adorable-eggplant on Coming-Out Technology, Exiting the Girlfriend Zone, and the Lesbro Conundrum
@paddlepickle Mostly unrelated, but I had this Fiona Apple lyric in my head for my whole bicycle ride home: "'He said, "It's all in your head." And I said, "so's everything," but he didn't get it."
So clearly 90s music is how I process everything.
ETA: Since the editing window closed on my other comment, I just want to make it clear that I mean I will be better friends with my bestie than I will be with her partner, not that she will be closer to me than she will be to her partner because I will have seniority, because that is just the kind of emotional possessiveness (which is another kind of intimacy from sexual) that I was suggesting was harmful to relationships/could be a wedge. I'm going to assume that we'll be analogous/equally close, but fundamentally incomparable, which is how I feel about her in relationship to my partner. Apples and oranges who thankfully get along like peas in a pod.
By Urwelt on 8 Headlines That Sound Like Upworthy, But Are Simply Attempts To Express My Withering Contempt For That Collective of Neo-Liberal Douchebags
Upworthy roadblocks are the "do you have a minute for the environment" street fundraisers of the internet world.
By a runner in the garden on 8 Headlines That Sound Like Upworthy, But Are Simply Attempts To Express My Withering Contempt For That Collective of Neo-Liberal Douchebags
Hate-clicking "disagree" on the pop-up, every time
By Florence on Boy-Crazy But Curious, Dating While Disabled, and Introducing Parents to Your "New Norm"
A Queer Chick's advice to is amazing and wonderful as always, but I would also add to LW1 that sometimes there really is an unexplainable gap between what you actually are into and what you fantasize about. And that's ok and not weird and doesn't mean you're closeted! (I mean, you MIGHT be, and that's cool, too). I say this as a certified lesbian who sometimes fantasizes about men, but finds sleeping with them pretty damn unappealing.
Also, I think as you get more sexual experience, your fantasy life/real sex life start to sync up a bit-- when you're just starting to explore your sexuality you don't have many created memories to extrapolate from, and you don't actually have real-time feedback about what makes you feel good with another person, so you sometimes default to generalized erotic situations. That is my amateur assessment based on my own experience, anyway.
Hairpin comments are getting absurd. I thought this was really funny.