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Get This Look: Citrus Fruits

1. Lemons

Despite their varied uses and singularly acidic flavor, lemons weren’t widely enjoyed as a fruit for well into their storied past. One of its first recorded uses was as a pelting agent, hurled at a wayward high priest during a festival in the 90s BC. If no high priest was available, anyone who had crossed you would also suffice. When not being used as a weapon, these tough suckers were employed to cure scurvy-riddled sailors with vitamin C. Drink up that sour juice, y’all; rub it all up in your wounds while screaming in a vain attempt to prove yourself a titan. Lemons ain’t got time for your frailty.

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GTL – Lemons

Get This Look: The Sunday Comics

1. Garfield

This lasagna-loving arbiter of sloth, was created by cartoonist Jim Davis in the late 1970s after his previous comic about a bunch of insects was deemed to be “unrelatable.” The personality of Garfield himself was based on Davis’s grandfather, a man he described as “large and cantankerous.” His stance on Mondays remains unconfirmed.

When I was a kid, I owned both a Garfield t-shirt and hat. There’s a photo of me reading a Garfield comic while wearing both articles of clothing. I regret nothing. Garfield continues to run in the funnies today, with some changes to its original stories. A character named Lyman, for example, is the true and original owner of Jon’s drooling fool of a dog Odie. Lyman had a creepy-ass moustache. Also, Garfield is a lot less jowly now. Additionally, he no longer seems to send Nermal abroad as much as he used to. One more thing you need to know: before Google acquired it, Garfield owned the Gmail domain. Presumably, this was where you received your Garfield-mail.

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GTL: Garfield

Get This Look: Psychologists

1. Sigmund Freud

The father of psychoanalysis, Freud has fans and detractors of the “a cigar is just a cigar” variety. It’s thanks to him that we all glibly refer to our Ids, Egos, and Super-Egos. (Sadly, we have not yet developed the Super-Eggo, a kind of waffle I have often imagined that would be the size of a whole pizza. Thanks for nothing, Freud.)

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GTL: Freud

Get This Look: Dining Utensils

1. Spoon

A spoon is a tool utilizing for dining. It is mainly an aid in the ingestion of soups or other “liquidy” foods. Sometimes people will give you a spoon when you order a piece of cake at a bakery. This will be very confusing for you. Spoons have been around since ancient Egypt, when they were made of things like flint or slate. In Tudor England, people traditionally gave spoons as a christening gifts; each spoon had the mark of one of the apostles on it. They were also silver. These days, spoons are usually only given if you are about to eat ice cream, which is like being christened, but better.

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GTL: Spoon

Get This Look: Adventure Time

Adventure Time is a Cartoon Network series that is quite popular on the Internet. READ MORE

Get This Look: Sports!

1.) Football

The first ever American-style football game was based on Rugby, and played by folks over at Princeton and Rutgers, because only nerds are into football or sports at all. Hilariously, during this particular game, the rules were such that no one could pick up the ball and carry it. Instead they flung their whole bodies at the ball, making early football not dissimilar from twerking frantically and violently in mid-air. The first person to play a professional game of football was a dude known as Pudge, which I think pretty much tells you everything you need to know. In football, there is offense and defense and skinny guys and large guys and guys who run fast and guys who can crush your bones. The purpose is to get the ball to one end of the field, and to celebrate by doing a little dance. To sound in the know during a football game loudly ask, “Whose down? Whose down?” over and over again.

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Get This Look: Football

Books I Would Read If They Were Real

1. Cut Me Off A Slice Of That: Bread Fetishists READ MORE

Get This Look: Reading Material

1. Newspapers

Newspapers record breaking current events with local and global perspectives. They also feature cartoons that make you chuckle although you aren’t sure why, and sometimes editorials written by your dad that you pretend to understand. In addition to serving as daily chronicles for the people, they also tell you what your day is going to be like based on your astrological sign. They've been around since ancient Rome, where news items were things like “Eating Lying Down Still Awesome” and “Another Day, Another Christian Eaten By A Lion,” and, finally, “Bread and Circus: The Big Con Caesar Doesn’t Want You To Know About.” They're typically printed on cheaper paper, and used to be folks wrapped their fish in them. They've suffered since the recession, but never doubt the ability of this classy in-touch broad(sheet) to bounce back.

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GTL – Newspaper
Newspaper, featuring a news boy hat

10 Things My Yoga Instructor Said That Almost Made Me Quit Yoga

1. “You hear the ice cream truck outside, acknowledge it, then let it go.” READ MORE

Get This Look: Board Games

1. The Game of Life

So let’s talk about stuff that's more interesting than I'd previously imagined — like the Game of Life. Dude, this thing is old as balls! It was invented in 1860 and originally called “The Checkered Game of Life," presumably while a lute played and wigs were powdered in readiness. In the game, one theoretically passes through all the ages of man, what with being born, going to school, getting married, having kids, et cetera. The modern version is known for its spinning wheel, the tiny cars, and the little people. It’s actually kind of depressing, because it literally only takes 45 minutes to play, is ruled by randomness, and ends with the winner standing on a beach gazing out at the water feeling very small. The loser is also there.

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GTL – The Game of Life