@Gertrude That's the first one I read today (at lunch, at work. bad idea). It's an incredibly moving story... did anyone read the comments? Someone accused the author of being "sensationalist and exploitative" by revealing the brutal details of the crime. I really feel that, especially with sexual violence and gendered violence, that kind of painful honesty is necessary, if the victim agrees to it. Being honest about rape and about how it is horrific and life-altering is one of the ways we can work to prevent it.
HOWEVER. The story is incredible, the writing is great, but can you imagine a story like this being written for an acquaintance rape? Or marital rape? Is it terrible, ranty threadjacking to bring up that this kind of rape is not the most common type, and that it gets so much more airtime and if we could be this brutally honest, if we could find journalists willing to weave such emotional narratives about the bravery of victims of (more pedestrian, less sensational) acquaintance rape, maybe we could legitimize the suffering of the victims and take some real steps towards shifting our culture toward one that does not tolerate rape of any kind?
OKAY OKAY I'M SORRY. RANT OVER. This is why I can't read any news other than doll news while I'm at work.
@NeenerNeener Excellent points. Definitely on a different level than my hateful redneck fam. It becomes really hard to hold the ignorant (in the most innocent, naive sense) people accountable for what they just don't understand because, after all, I think a lot of us had to be introduced to most concepts of social justice. I know I did (see: redneck family), so how can I hold it against someone if they just haven't encountered people in their lives who will push them in that direction?
So then one wonders: when/where is it appropriate to try to educate people a little? I tend to get, um, ranty in inappropriate places. I will launch into a monologue on Topic X and some friends will be like, we've heard this lecture before, can we put on Topic Y instead? So I try not to get pushy/arrogant with the "I MUST ILLUMINATE YOU ON THE TRUTHS OF THE UNIVERSE," but sometimes it just hurts not to at least try to push people in the right direction if it seems like they are just genuinely in the dark. (This is why I feel an extreme amount of sympathy towards the Mormons & JWs who knock on my door to try to save my soul)
I try real hard not to be arrogant about my own opinions, I swear, but stuff like "all humans are equal regardless of mommy/daddy buttons or lack thereof" doesn't have a lot of room for interpretation, so I get a little fired up and want to spread that gospel, praise the lord!
@Marzipan I have this problem a lot with my bigoted, hyper-religious, backwater family members. They say things that are so far off the deep end that they're in the goddamn Mariana Trench, and I'm just like, "Um? Oh. But... equality?" because I'm totally unprepared to parry that kind of extreme insanity. And also because "Go die in a righteous Hairpin Cleansing Fire" is not an appropriate thing to say over Thanksgiving dinner.
@yeah-elle We really, really need a Kill It With Fire button. Maybe with options for Some Fire, A Lot Of Fire, and ALL THE FIRE.
@Emmanuelle Cunt I live alone and I am considering making a chore wheel for myself.
@melis aaaaaaaand this is what I imagine having kids is like. screaming. conglomerates. bat-ungulate nightmare beasts. love it!
UNFIT FOR PARENTING, AYUP.
@Daisy Razor YUP. Upthread, I was just about to comment that one of the factors that might be influencing the misery and exhaustion of new parents is an extreme lack of community resources available to most people - or, if they are available, they are expensive, requiring a person to be overworked just when they need that free time. Part of this is about maternity leave, daycare, etc. But I really believe that another part of it is about how scattered/individualized we are in this country. Most extended families live far away from each other, and most young parents I know don't have many people available to help them raise their kids. In fact, most people I know would cringe at the idea that ANYONE is going to "help raise" their kid, because by god, it's their damn kid.
All I know is, I wouldn't have a kid unless I a) had extensive therapy first, b) had oh my god so much extra money lying around (LULZ) and c) had a solid network of friends and family who could help me out for a weekend or an afternoon or something so I don't go batshit.
I don't mean to get all "it takes a village" over here, but you know... maybe it does. Or maybe I read Bowling Alone my freshman year of college and it BLEW MY MIND, YOU GUYS.
@spoondisaster That was so what I wanted to do! I swear! I did everything but write out the phone script before I called. But the almost-crying about the near recovery and the latest scans caused me to chicken out SO HARD, which is why I probably should have avoided the phone in the first place.
It might be complicated by the fact that we were acquaintances for years after we hooked up, and would occasionally hang out, and I was friendly for way too long because I have only recently learned how to weed out male friends who are not really friends, but pretending to be while complaining about how they are "nice guys" being "friendzoned" on reddit (high five for that one, Fig. 1).
If we're nice, it's mixed signals. If we're not, we're rude, snobby bitches. Thankfully, lurking on the Hairpin has inspired me to stop feeling obligated to be nice to toxic people. Mental health! It's the best.
Emerging from LurkerVille to say OH MY GOD THANK YOU for letting me know that this is a thing that happens to other people, and it's not just me, and I'm not just being a rude passive-aggressive jerk for ignoring these morons.
However, I have a question for y'all, because my inappropriate, incessant, unwanted, and ignored Facebook messager recently sent me an enormous missive about how his mother has cancer and only has a month to live, and we used to be friends, and he could really use a friend right now. I called him with the intent to explain to him that I'm sorry he needs a friend but I am really not that person, but chickened out after hearing a twenty minute description of his mother's prognosis.
I had to leave to go on a date (WITH MY BOYFRIEND, I emphatically explained to him), but I (cringe) told him I'd "talk to him later." Haven't talked to him since. Not sure if I'm an insensitive jerk if I just... don't.
On a related note, does anyone have any tips & tricks for avoiding being dragged into uncomfortable situations due to a dysfunctional need to help every pitiful person with their pitiful crap? Asking for a friend with martyr syndrome.