@beezus. (A huge part of me wonders that even when I'm not reading these things.)
@Shara Also I will say that the guy that I was dating gave me an incredibly thoughtful (and impractical) gift on that occasion so he was not all bad and I did hope he would find someone that didn't care about his minimalist attitude toward cleanliness and stuff. Hugs about your situation! <3
@Shara Just get back on your filthy mattress and quilt and let them soak up your moisture I guess.
@Jinxie Just a mattress with a quilt!!! I know. I thought I was being nice but he was pretty insulted.
People are capable of great denial about themselves and also grow up with really different ideas of what kind of hygiene and maintenance is normal. I don't think it's so bad to point it out *if* they're asking (even indirectly)... not as a "if you want to be loved ever you need to fix your disgusting body" but more of a "well, lots of ladies think clean fingernails and tidy clothes and stuff are kind of a big deal so you could probably give yourself a lot more options if you are willing to go there".
@Shara IT SMELLS LIKE EASTER EGGS! Heeeeeeeee
Anyway... I got dumped once for buying such a boyfriend a new set of towels and his first-ever bed sheets. Too judgey; fair enough.
The next one (yes, there were two) I had results by just slowly moving "my" toiletries and towels into his bathroom (I am a terrible human being) and then he started using them because they were "so much nicer" than his... nothing.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I have no idea what works, because who can predict anything about people.
@supercat I don't know if you'll see this rambly reply or not (I'm always so late to the FOT party) but I wanted to say hooooo-ee I have been there and thank you for posting and I hope you are already feeling better! In fact I was almost there tonight with a party... I am lucky to have a partner that has learned to help me chill out when it is turning ugly, rather than freaking out/making it worse. I used to date someone that was not shy about letting me know how inconvenient my anxiety was at times like this, and now I am with someone who treats it like no big deal (in a good way). Things have gotten better for me since I've taken some steps to reduce the general stress in my life wherever possible (along with pro help) and now I can have nights like tonight where I melt down only a tiny bit while getting ready and then recover and feel very self-congratulatory at the party, instead of nights of shame-weeping about an anxiety tantrum until I am sick. On those nights of shame-weeping I went through a lot of fruitless 'why am I like this I must be a secretly terrible person' punishment, and a big gift I was given was to hear how many of my friends and others had similar meltdowns from time to time. It helped me to feel less out of control and less abnormal (and a lot less like they would think I was secretly a terrible person). I also started putting my finger on some of special triggers (for me, situations in which other people are in control of my schedule/activities), and that helped me prepare a bit better.
Hugs and good hopes to you! I hope you have some loves around you but please accept my internet ones anyway!
@Emma Peel Me too me too! I went to Egypt and Sicily (via Tunisia) (with a backpack) (in my 30s) by myself just before the Arab spring and I would talk about it all day long if I hadn't already worn everyone out. I am a pretty non-social traveler though so I don't have too many 'I met all these great people' stories. I'm a little envious of the ones like this one! It sounds so nice. But part of why I like to go solo is to have a good long time without talking much.
@adorable-eggplant I certainly don't disagree with calling out the bullshit and explaining why it is a terrible idea; I would hope for the same too! There were lots of ways that people put the 'oh hells no' that were eloquent and wise. Some, though, veered more toward "she is an awful terrible person"--rather than "what she is considering doing is awful and terrible"--and it hurt my tender internet feelings on her behalf. People can get into periods in their life where they really lose sight of what is ok and what is not ok to do with/to other people--my own parents included--but I think it's still ok to point it out without so much shaming.
@Diana ...she is being judged as being an 'astonishingly selfish and inconsiderate person' based on one letter she wrote, asking for help. Maybe she is terrible, what do I know... I do think it's a pretty selfish and inconsiderate thing she's considering, but do we need to be so mean when pointing it out? I'm not saying everyone should be niceypants in the comments all the time but I agree that it has been pretty heartless.