By beeline96 on Ask a Fancy Person: Occasionless Gifts, Chemo Baldness at the Office, The "Thanks For the Birthday Wishes" Anomie
I'm a fellow cancer crusher who has been in your situation and wishes you the best. I hope that, if you enjoy funky eyeshadow shades and fun earrings, along with your scarves (perhaps tied like your favorite R&B singer), you'll feel like the badass you are.
I'd like to offer some of my favorite responses that I dreamed up but, in truth, never needed to use. (I live in a metro area with citizens who tend to mind their own business... or who figured out what was up and were nothing but kind.) Some of these gems came as recommendations from my hilarious former coworkers.
-"I'm a recovering Buddhist monk"
-"My re-enactment of Rapunzel went reeeeally wrong."
If someone had ever approached me to say, "You'd look better with longer hair!" I had this one saved up: "You'd sound better if you kept your mouth shut."
By Bird_ on Ask a Fancy Person: Entry-Level Expensive, Unwanted Guests and the Gratefulness Feedback Loop
LW1, I am not sure of the context of all of these visits, but there are three approaches that can be employed for this situation:
Is the person is in town for the purpose of seeing you, a person they love, and spending a weekend with you? Did they call weeks in advance to get a weekend that specifically works for YOU, with the intenetion of coming to your home and spending time WITH YOU? Do you also want to spend a weekend with this person? This is honestly the only type of visit where it is on you to legitimately host for a weekend and spend time with this person.
Is this person just a basically-a-friend, coming SF for the weekend, on their own schedule, clearly not actually in town to see you? Just say you are busy and it's not gonna work (but maybe if you want to grab a beer at some point...?). DON'T explain why, DON'T lie, just tell the truth: you are busy, it is not going to work (but maybe if you want to grab a beer at some point...?). It doesn't matter if "busy" is you laying in bed reading all weekend, going out to wild parties that you don't want to have to babysit a guest at. Don't tell them what your plan is. Whatever you're doing that weekend, all they need to know is: you will be busy, it isn't going to work (but maybe if you want to grab a beer at some point...?). If they are true cretins and try to push back/impose, then you can just say "hey I gotta run, but call me when you're here if you wanna grab that beer!", or if it's an email conversation, wait 3-4 days, reiterate one more time that it won't work for you but, maybe beer?, then stop responding if they decide to be a dumbass about it.
For cousins and the like, who aren't really around to see you but who you feel a certain amount of responsibility toward, I honestly think it is totally fair to say "I'm not really available that weekend, but I have a spare key if you want to host yourself?" Then tell them where the key is, leave a set of sheets folded on the bed, and behave in a friendly and welcoming manner when you see them, without going out of your way to make any actual preparations. If you want to, definitely do allow them to buy you a beer, dinner, or equivalent at some point. But if you would rather just lay in bed and read all weekend, do that. I have an aunt with a spare room in SF who employs a very similar technique, and I've never felt anything but grateful to her when I show up, get a hug, and she immediately runs out the door to whatever plans she had for the weekend, or we catch up for 20 minutes and then she starts doing chores/research/whatever. It often makes me feel BETTER, knowing that I'm not putting the person out.
People who aren't there to spend time with you, then get miffed that you don't go out of your way for them? They can pretty much just suck it up and/or get a hotel next time. Anyone who tries to be more demanding than you can accommodate will have bought themselves a future of "I'm gonna be busy that weekend, I don't think it's gonna work. But maybe if you want to get a beer at some point...?"
"Everything’s going to be okay. That’s what you wanted to hear, isn’t it, Cancer?"
...it sure is.
@PotatoPotato You pun was bad and you should feel bad!
I approve of this whole thread (pun intended).
@punkahontas Time would fly!
I honestly don't understand why guys feel the need to be so pretentiously dramatic about a "breaking things off" kind of deal, especially when it's not that serious. Like, did you proofread your fucking email and realize how awful it is? Just say, "Hey listen, I'm not that interested." SIX WORDS NO MORE NEEDED.
at least, that's my opinion. "Ohhhh I hope I didn't lead you on" "I hope I'm not being a dick" "I hope your fragile little heart will be able to live without the blessing of my love"
even the compliments piss me off. I don't fucking need you to tell me I'm being courageous. I don't need your shitty ass pity validation. Get the fuck out of my life.
so how was everybody else's weekend?
This whole paragraph right here, we all need to live vicariously through you because it is THE BEST!
It backfired, of course, but once I got over the initial shock of Ely’s email, I was mad as hell. That’s important, too. My momentary aligning myself with my aggressor — and his hatred of me, when you get right down to it, not only for having the gall to be flawed but also for spotlighting his own tremendous shortcomings — gave way to what I know: that I am worthy of being loved. How dare Ely insinuate I’m not. How dare he think I am somehow not good enough for him. I never responded to his email, but I did see him at a local café once. He positioned himself behind a column so that he was partially concealed, and I liked knowing he was uncomfortable. I liked knowing that he was the one who felt the need to hide.
What kind of douchebag comments on his date's posture? I know that's the least of his douchiness, but it bugs the shit out of me.
Carla, you are so beautiful and brave! I'm glad you know it, too. Thank you for sharing this with us.
@dj pomegranate Best convo I ever had with my Ph.D. advisor:
Her: (blah blah blah breathing fumes on me)
Me (blinking): Would you like some gum?
Her: No, thank you.
Me: Yes you would.
Her: Oh. Ohhhh. Yes, please.