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On The Best Time I (Maybe) Got Rabies

Incredible. The writing is magical. Please write your memoirs.

Posted on September 4, 2014 at 12:10 pm 1

On Overheard at a Women-Only Charity Event

Ok but really, fuck the Cupid Shuffle.

Posted on August 8, 2014 at 10:25 am 0

On Why I Have To Be So "Rude"

@SarahHyphen: No, we needed both Tegan AND Sara to balance out Justin Bieber.

Posted on July 28, 2014 at 10:06 am 0

On Preexisting Conditions

@vair@twitter: Me, too. Reading this made me feel panicky.

That last little bit though, about the roses. Totally wanna cry now.

Posted on July 8, 2014 at 2:18 pm 0

On Ask a Fancy Person: Entry-Level Expensive, Unwanted Guests and the Gratefulness Feedback Loop

@Bird_: This, exactly. A lot of Fancy's lies/excuses are last-minute. I cn see myself bumbling through, "Oh, you want to crash at my place 7 weeks from now? My boyfriend...is gonna be sick...and have termites...eventually and probably that weekend." I prefer your simpler, less defensive approach.

Posted on June 10, 2014 at 4:49 pm 0

On Ask a Fancy Person: Entry-Level Expensive, Unwanted Guests and the Gratefulness Feedback Loop

@ejcsanfran: Similarly, I am SUPER BAD at sending cards to people at important times, but sometimes I invest in a collection of super classy pressed cards from an Etsy vendor: things that just say "YAAAAY" or "You're the Best" or "THANKS" or something massively simple and understated that can be transformed into a most-any-event card. I feel super good about sending them, and I actually 1) send them 2) in a reasonable amount of time because I have them on hand.

Posted on June 10, 2014 at 4:46 pm 0

On The Best Time I Lubricated My Chicken's Vagina-Butt

@theharpoon: I'm not going to pretend it was a GOOD idea.

FWIW, her description is spot-on.

Posted on May 22, 2014 at 5:12 pm 0

On The Best Time I Lubricated My Chicken's Vagina-Butt

For what-EV-er reason, my reaction to this article was to do a Google image search for "chicken vent."

Posted on May 20, 2014 at 5:25 pm 2

On May Horoscopes from Galactic Rabbit

Galactic Rabbit, I could totally use a side-hug about now.
xoxo Sideways Moving Crab

Posted on May 6, 2014 at 10:28 am 0

On What I’ve Learned About the Weddings I Remembered

I accidentally crashed a wedding once. I was young and stupid and didn't really understand wedding etiquette yet. My then-boyfriend's family had all been invited, and asked me to go with them. I asked if that was ok, and were they sure, and they assured me it was! I didn't think I knew either of the people getting married.

When I got there I recognized all kinds of people from my church. The ceremony was super religiousy and head-of-the-householdy, and involved the Best Man coming forward in uniform and telling the groom, "Sometimes, your bride's going do be doing some things...that you don't want her to be doing. It's your job to lead by example." In the receiving line the MOB recognized me, and asked which family had brought me. (They were friends with the groom.) I was super embarassed and she had to ask twice because I turned bright red and mumbled my answer the first time. The groom had to come over and quietly explain that he had to move another place setting over to our table, because he hadn't realized they would be bringing a guest.

The first dance was to Hoobastank's "The Reason." You know, the one that starts off, "I'm not a perfect person / There's many things I wish I didn't do / But I continue learning / I never meant to do those things to you." Which, following the part in the ceremony about how the wife was inevitably going to fuck up and piss off the husband, and how it was his job to be patient with her and tolerate her, rubbed me the wrong way.

I told my mom about it later. Turns out most of her church friends had been invited by the MOB, but she had not, and she'd felt kinda put out by it. Awkward as the whole experience was, I felt like maybe it counted as a passive revenge of sorts for my mom's hurt feelings.

Posted on May 1, 2014 at 10:57 am 0