On Ask a Clean Person: I Drank the Juice, and It Was a Mess

I found a brand spanking new Jack LaLanne Power Juicer in my parent's basement a few years ago, and was so excited to use it, but it's such a pain in the ass that I've decided to sell it at a yard sale. It's only good for juicing fruit, not vegetables. It has a zillion little parts and the pulp screen is IMPOSSIBLE to get clean, plus cleaning it takes up all my counter space in my teeny kitchen.

The only thing it's good for is juicing key limes for key lime pie, which I make like twice a year so I don't think I'll miss it that much. Argh! Juicers!

My bff used to work in the local health food store at the juice bar and when I would visit her all the local richy rich stay at home moms would come in and order, this is not an exaggeration, $10 juices for their toddlers. Holy mother of god.

Posted on April 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm 0

On Employee Discount

Hahhaa yesterday I was telling my friends about my first Brazilian experience, which consisted of the waxer lady telling me to, "Take your clothes off, lay down, then hook your leg around my neck." Apparently this isn't how it's supposed to go!

Posted on April 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm 9

On All the Weddings I Have Ever Been to, as I Remember Them


The local paper a few years ago had a cover story (slow news week, small town) about a teacher in the school district who invited her whole class to the ceremony and I thought it was kind of boundary-pushing to have your students at your wedding. Plus, having thirty eight year olds in the church, yikes!

Posted on April 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm 0

On On the Happiness of Procreation

Thanks so much for this, Nicole! I had kind of a shitty childhood with a horrible mother and I'm terrified of the "transformative love" thing. When (obnoxious) people say, "Having a baby will change your definition of love/you've never known real love till you've given birth/it will knock you out and transform your life," after I fight the urge to punch them in the face, I get really scared. I can't really imagine what that stuff means: I already have really, really strong love for people and animals in my life, who is anyone to say that because it's not love for a child, it's invalid or not "real love"? For example, I love my silly little cat in such an intense, miss-him-all-day way I'm afraid that my friends think I'm weird. What if I someday give birth and don't have some weird sweeping wind of "transformative life changing love?" I'm scared I'll then blame myself for being a terrible mother. Also, my own mother is a terrible parent and makes it clear that she hates me, so I have problems understanding parental love in the first place, which might be where this all stems from.

Also, ranty side note: What the fuck is with people who won't leave you the fuck alone about having kids? Literally twenty minutes after I got engaged, a family member asked when we were planning to have kids. When I say, "I'm not sure if we want them," people freak out. The thing is, I'm NOT sure if I want them! They're so cute, but I'm a huge introvert like Nicole's dad and I'm scared I'll be annoyed with the "Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom-Mommy-Momma-Mom-Mooooom" aspect of children. And sometimes I see shitty little obnoxious, rude, nasty twelve year olds and think, "If that's what my cute little baby turns into someday, I'll pass."

Posted on April 3, 2012 at 7:25 pm 8

On Gowns Unfit for Promenade

@contrary Let's talk about Long Island proms! I know a lot of high schools around here have proms at gaudy Long Island catering halls (Leonard's of Great Neck, anyone??) but my high school was really pretty and had classical Colonial red brick architecture. Ergo, prom was held at our school.

The crazy moms and obnoxious over achiever girls would join prom committee, and get in fights over the "classiest" theme. Ours was One Night in Paris, which I tried to remind people was the name of Paris Hilton's sex tape, to no avail. A local contractor builds an enormous edifice on the front of the building starting a week before prom. Bleachers are set up on either side of the entrance and the crazy moms fight over the best seats: people get there at like 8 AM on prom day to find a spot. Other bleachers are set up across the bus lane. Huge flashing Hollywood-esque lights are set up all over. The seniors plan for like months to have the "best" entrance vehicle: a lot of people show up on fire trucks, ice cream trucks, etc. and the cheesier people show up drunk in the huuuuggeeee party buses. Almost 1000 people show up to watch everyone walk in, one at a time like at a movie premiere or something. Then the kids stay at prom for like an hour and board the party buses again to go spend the weekend at a rented house in the Hamptons until graduation four days later.

I am not kidding about any of this! My boyfriend (now my fiance) and I went to prom in an old car that a family friend had. We went to the diner after prom and ate french fries, totally sober. The next day we went into the city to see a Broadway show and go to a fancy dinner. I felt like such a nerd since everyone else was probably blowing rails off each other's butt cheeks and downing vodka shots in the Hamptons, but we still had fun being losers.

Posted on March 29, 2012 at 11:15 pm 2

On Gowns Unfit for Promenade

@TooCool4School I had a gorgeous navy blue silk tea-length Betsey dress! I can't quite fit into it and can't find an occasion to wear it but refuse to get rid of it.

Posted on March 29, 2012 at 10:49 am 1

On Gowns Unfit for Promenade

When I was in high school my friends and I LOVED looking at those tacky dresses online! When I graduated in 07 there was a Facebook group where girls in my class posted pics of their dresses (so no one else would copy, I guess?) and they were so awesomely awful. I did go to high school on Long Island, so prom night was full of gaudy sparkly dresses, cleavage, orange spray tans, airbrush makeup, and acrylic French manicures. In contrast, my BFF wore a vintage beaded flapper dress and got her hair did in finger waves.

Posted on March 29, 2012 at 10:46 am 4

On The League of Ordinary Ladies: I Can't Believe It's Almost April

Oh boy, comic one is the story of my life.

Phone conversations veering into awkward territory always ALWAYS end with, "Well, I'm driving and I see a cop in front of me, gotta go!" even if I'm sitting on the couch.

Posted on March 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm 3

On Today's Top Ten WeddingBee Discussion Board Thread Titles

@spanglepants As I understand it, they had decided they were getting married, but he hadn't planned an elaborate enough proposal yet. One girl went with her mom to the venue and booked it, because her fiance (boyfriend?) couldn't care less. Before they were engaged.

Of course, in my mind if you're actively planning on getting married and BOOKING YOUR WEDDING you're engaged but according to the weddingbee horde you need a $10K engagement ring and a youtube-worthy proposal before you're "engaged."

Posted on March 26, 2012 at 10:33 pm 0

On Today's Top Ten WeddingBee Discussion Board Thread Titles

OMG fucking weddingbee. I sometimes read the forums just for fun because they're so ridiculous. One girl wasn't even engaged yet but she and her boyfriend went on a trip to mexico and did like three engagement shoots- before they were engaged. And she had the wedding planned, including having a date and venue set, complete with deposits in place- before she was engaged. Other girls wrote 4000-word screeds about their inlaws or bridesmaids. It's absolutely insane. Plus, sometimes people then do like twelve "wedding recap" posts, which consist of: one 100-photo post of you getting ready. Another 100-photo post of your groom getting ready. Another 100 photo post of the cake. Ahhhh!

I'm getting married next year, and while I've always enjoyed planning parties, the fact that "PLANNING A WEDDING" is a thing that is forced on every bride grinds my gears. No, you don't need your wedding to be the most **unique, special, rustic, glamorous, creative** day ever. Guests remember only a few things about the wedding: good food, good drinks, good music, happy couple. They don't give a shit about your chair covers or menu typeface.

In my experience, a lot of women who have had no interest in planning events, etc. all of a sudden get engaged and feel that they must be professional party planners, and it can be really stressful if you think of it like that. And the notion that it's "YOUR day" so you can act like a total fucking bitch to everyone is so toxic. It's like so many brides have this image in their heads that wedding planning is the most stressful event of their lives, and that they should act accordingly. Most of the time, you're choosing invitations and flower arrangements: not the most important things to be stressed over!

Posted on March 26, 2012 at 2:03 pm 1