"And graven with diamonds in letters plain, There is written, her fair neck round about; ' Noli me tangere; for Cæsar's I am, And wild for to hold, though I seem tame.'"

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

@sydwi I gotta know what you are doing. Because I am clearly doing it wrong, or I live in a portion of the US with a very high whackjob ratio.

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 4:29 pm 0

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

@Inside of a dog I KNOW RIGHT.

I had to remind myself that the people sending these messages have (probably) lives, relationships, jobs, etc. in real life. It reminds me of this Onion article: http://www.theonion.com/articles/seemingly-mentally-ill-internet-commenter-presumab,33570/

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 4:19 pm 3

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

@Blushingflwr I've toyed with the idea of hiring a professional matchmaking service, but that seems even stranger.

I like the idea that someone is going to take time, get to know you and what you like/don't like, and then say "Hey, I know this person I think you'd really get along great with!" because it seems more natural and normal - but on the other hand, the idea seems sad. I have to pay someone to be my friend to introduce me to their other friends? Ugh, what.

I don't know. Nearly all my friends are married at this juncture, and I'm eternally the third (fifth, seventh, ninth) wheel. It's been a struggle. But I've been doing the OKC thing for three months now and my hope has flagged severely.

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 2:48 pm 0

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

@Blushingflwr My friends have advised me to take "bisexual" off and make two different profiles, one gay, one straight, but I feel that's both dishonest and...ugh, mentally exhausting. You know what, it's probably easier to just get a dog.

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 2:14 pm 0

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

@Lauren_O'Neal yeah, tl;dr between my experiences on OKC and having a cable package that contains Investigation Discovery, I am fairly certain that everyone on the internet is a crazed sex murderer.

I'd say "secretly a crazed sex murderer" but most of them seem pretty upfront and open about it. No secrets there. "I'm into sex murders, you game, girl?"

[internal screaming]

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 2:11 pm 5

On Someone Explain Dating to Me

OKCupid messages I have received in the past 7 days:

"do little dicks make you laugh?"
"Good morning my dominant mistress"
"Holy sexinesssss I m horny"
"Sorry if this seems rude, but are you into bdsm"
"I saw on your profile that you aren't interested in couples but if you should ever want to be with a "normal", clean open minded bi racial couple please keep me in mind Hope we can have a chance to know each other"
"older guy for 1 on 1 and also threesomes with another lady! interested?"

All of these were first point-of-contact messages, sent apropos of nothing. Considering retiring from all forms of social interaction semi-permanently. I have come to the conclusion that everyone on the internet is insane. The other, more disturbing conclusion, is that it's not them, it's me, and normal people respond to these sorts of "conversation starters" with hearty good cheer. I fear that way lies madness.

Edited to add: I am listed as bisexual on my profile. I don't feel that putting anything else on there is honest, but it unfortunately pulls in a lot of couples that see a picture, see "bisexual", think "bisexual" means "super horny, polyamorous and/or into group sex", and immediately launch into propositioning.

Posted on March 12, 2014 at 1:51 pm 2

On "Hadn’t Cain Killed Abel for Less?"

"I had to bury a bodiless daughter. And then I buried the altar I built for her. The very tiny idea of her. Her name I keep to myself. The life I conjured for her. Her little soulless soul. Your mother had what I cannot have and now I face you. Your mother had what I cannot have but don’t excuse me."

Being an eldest sister of five, and having had to hold a private funeral for any hopes and dreams I had once of becoming a mother one day, this hit me like a slap across the face. I am a sobbing wreck.

Posted on March 11, 2014 at 2:35 pm 0

On Are You a Grown Woman? An Informal Survey

@adorable-eggplant hahahaha it's so true. I told my roommate "I'm an adult and I do what I want, and sometimes what I want is macaroni and cheese in farm shapes." She was compelled to agree via the overwhelming force of my logic.

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 3:39 pm 3

On Are You a Grown Woman? An Informal Survey

I'm 33 and I get to shoot firearms at work - but I pretend I'm an Avenger while doing it.

I buy my own groceries - but sometimes those groceries are macaroni and cheese in farm shapes.

I sleep in a queen size bed - but it has a wrought-iron canopy on it and five stuffed animals contained within.

I own a double oven - and an Easy-Bake oven.

In short, I don't know, you tell me.

Posted on December 20, 2013 at 3:01 pm 2

On A Thing You Should Probably Read If You Use the NuvaRing

I had other terrible side effects from using the NuvaRing for three years. I went off of it for those reasons, but I'm glad I did.

Posted on December 12, 2013 at 12:06 pm 0