Oh, this broke my heart. We recently lost my father-in-law and there was a moment there towards the end where I thought to myself, this is it. I told my husband we should just climb right into bed with him and hold his hands and just not leave until it was over, until he was gone from this world. We didn't, because he sort of perked up and got out of bed. He died the next day, though. I so wish I had just climbed on in and hung on.
Every time I drive near the cemetery where he's buried, I think, he's there! He's right in there. Why is he in there? How could we leave him...there? He's alone, and he's cold...I miss him so much.
Sincere condolences to you, Nadine, on your loss. It's all too easy to look back with regrets. Be gentle with yourself.
I will read anything you write, Carolita!
On My Fave Two
Sigh. Most of the time I'm OK with being the mother of an only child, and adore my wonderful son...but I always feel pangs of sadness when I think about not having a daughter to have the kind of relationship with that my mom and I have. Grateful for all I DO have, no guarantees we'd have a great relationship, etc...but feel a bit of loss nonetheless.
@scully My experience has been similar. At first it felt like I was just tending to this little blob. Now that my guy's 3, and his personality is in full effect (...for better and worse), my love feels deeper. I mean, as much as I relish the downtime once he's in bed, I do often lay there thinking, "I can't wait until he wakes up so I can hang out with him again." When he was tiny, I was much more interested in him getting LOTS of sleep because I knew the time together would be very intense, and now it's just more relaxed and fun and he's now just a part of the family unit rather than The Baby that everything orbited around. And *for me*, that's translated into a stronger feeling of love over time.
Agreed on the YMMV though - as long as the love translates to some reasonable baseline of care, there's no "right" way to feel.
@adwriter84 I am! And I know all too well of what you speak. On my worst days, I feel like clients hire agencies just so they can abuse them.
OTOH, I'm freelancing full-time and that's made all the difference. Those 'emergencies' affect me, but aren't my long-term problem. And everyone is right on the No-Hours thing - now I can manage my own schedule, and it's great to sometimes get an errand done during the day or pick up my kid early, but being self-employed means never fully disconnecting. I have to say I'd still choose this over reporting in to an agency every day though.