On Preexisting Conditions

@eizverson22 Sorry you feel that way. I've been coupled off for 30 years and a couple I know have been married for 67 years (!) and they don't seem bored with each other. Of course at this point they finish each other's sentences and they need some help getting around but they're pretty cheerful and active and it's obvious that for each of them the person they most want to be around is each other.

Posted on July 3, 2014 at 10:43 am 0

On Mad Libs: New York Times Real Estate Edition 

I don't mean to toot my own horn but the extremely funny person who (very occasionally) writes ihatenyt.com allowed me to guest-write a post a while back and, since the NYT Real Estate section fills me with an anger that can not be measured by mere mortals, I came up with this:


It's dated, of course, and I'm not sure all the links work, but I was quite proud of it. This was about three years ago and already the prices seem absurdly low, although to any sane person they must seem absurdly high. You, Kira, may be the only person to ever read this, since the Hairpin's commenter community, once so vibrant, seems to have shriveled, but I'll post it here as my message in a bottle. And go back through the ihatenyt archives. They're screamingly funny.

Posted on June 17, 2014 at 10:54 pm 0

On The 4/20 Cookbook

To Zoe, the 4/20 dinner party hostess: you made manicotti for an Italian? You're a braver person than I. Although I guess pot does loosen inhibitions...

Posted on April 20, 2014 at 12:19 pm 0

On The Kitchen Of Tomorrow

One of my worst nightmares concerns the day my appliances become sentient. Microwave: You're working me like a draft mule. Can't you go out to eat every so often? Refrigerator: And why aren't you dead yet? An alternating diet of cheap takeout Mexican food and cheese and crackers? And who puts peanut butter in their fridge? Gross. Stove: I'm outta here. I can see I am of no use to you. [Somehow manages to gas itself and die.]

Posted on January 31, 2014 at 12:28 pm 1

On Dating Profiles, Edited for Honesty

Were these lifted from Christian Mingle?

Posted on January 24, 2014 at 1:02 pm 0

On America Will Wear White Pants

@eiffeldesigns But do they come in dog sizes? My new hound will wear clothes and hates the cold and I've been looking for a sweater with maximum visibility that will also remind one and all that we are in America and what our flag looks like. Kind of.

Posted on January 24, 2014 at 12:50 pm 1

On America Will Wear White Pants

@Megasus The irony is that Sochi is one of the warmest parts of Russia and is kind of like their Florida or Riviera. There is a small fear that it won't be cold enough for some of the events. Everything about this Olympics is like something out of a bad Gary Shteyngart short story.

Posted on January 24, 2014 at 12:48 pm 0

On The Unsexy Pie

Any photo/video/quote of Rob Ford and the knowledge that he's younger than I am.

Posted on January 24, 2014 at 12:30 pm 0

On A Hug for Sally Draper

@adorable-eggplant No FOT apparently. And the Ye Olde Hairpinne links remind me of when there was a thriving commenter community, every post getting 100+ comments. What happened to that? I miss reading the funny and smart comments from the regulars but they all seem to have disappeared, like in some Stephen King novel.

Here's my puppy story and the advice I need. I'm a big guy and so is my husband. (We live in NY so gay married.) We adopted a fairly big 4-month-old pit bull/Lab mix. Fine. We've had three dogs before and our last we got as a puppy and it was Hell to housetrain her and she destroyed all kinds of things in the first couple of months but we coped. She lived to be over 16 so we must have done something right (it's rare for her breed to live much past 10; even our vet remarked several times about her longevity.)

Nothing surprises us about the new hound (except he's a boy and he gets excited and his male genitalia sometimes reflects that) but he's not housetrained yet. Fine. I've been cleaning up dog shit all my life. But with this dog sometimes I don't get there fast enough and he tries to eat it. GAAAAHHHH! There, I said it. I know it's not uncommon for dogs to do this, for them to go after their own stuff or try to eat something on the street, but this is new to me.

So my question would be, anyone else come across this problem? I had a friend whose dog lived to be 13 or 14 and ate her own poop her entire life. It's obviously not entirely toxic but my new pup is extremely sociable and snuggly and likes to crawl up on people and lick their faces and basically French-kiss strangers and I have to pull him back and repress my gag reflex when someone is like "Oh, no, come here boy, he wants to give me kissies!!!"

I read somewhere that one of the most sanitary places is a dog's mouth and trachea, because they've evolved to eat everything and anything, and that canine saliva is one of the most effective unguents if you have a wound (anecdotally, I know this is true: when I would cut myself shaving I'd have the former hound lick my face and the bleeding would stop almost immediately) but what if the dog has just eaten his own poop?

So that's my puppy question. How do you train a dog to not eat its own poop?

Posted on January 6, 2014 at 1:02 am 0

On A Hug for Sally Draper

@Lucienne Am I the only person on Earth who likes Megan/Meghan/Jessica Paré? It takes a brave woman to marry an alcoholic given her Maman's capacity for drink. Or maybe the character is supposed to be used to it? Ms. Paré gave the world the gift of joy with that Zou Bisou Bisou number. I used to sing it to my elderly hound to wake her up for our morning walk. O/T, but where is the FOT? The elderly hound is no longer with us but when we got knocked off of that horse we promptly ran out and rescued another dog, a puppy. I need advice!

Posted on January 3, 2014 at 11:35 am 0