UGH I spent $1.99 on a boost to finally beat level 109 yesterday. I AM FULL OF SHAME.
@Cawendaw Then stop running a fucking advice column. It seems simple. It's really disingenuous to take people's letters and run them, if you're just doing it to show how worthless the genre is.
LW5! Your question is relevant to my interests! And since this Dude and Lady could not be troubled, I will attempt to answer it.
I too have had this experience of looking around at other long-term couples and being all, "Seriously? These terrible people can find someone? I am pretty not-terrible, why can I not find someone? I am confused." And you know that if finding yourself or whatever had anything to do with it then these people would not be in relationships, so what on earth?
I get that feeling. I had a pretty great, smart, super-attractive friend who gave me an ego-boosting speech about how less-cool people have more options of mate because their standards are lower and therefore super-cool people have to wait longer for the cream to rise to the top, so to speak, and while it made me feel temporarily better and kind of Special, it was definitely reliant on me thinking I am cooler than everyone else, which I do not actually think is the case.
So here is the best advice I have: figure out what you actually want in a relationship.
Like, not just "someone who is nice to me and maybe has a job." Get as specific as you can about what kinds of activities you would like to do with this person and what personality traits are really important to you and what kind of relationship HE would ideally want from you.
The more specific you get, the easier it is to reject/pursue people that match up with this list. You basically go through all your potential candidates much more quickly and stop wasting time pursuing people who seem pretty cool and smart and cute - but who do not actually fit what you want. i have wasted years at a time mooning over what-might-have been with several people-who-are-great-but-not-great-for-me-specifically. This helps with that problem!
Then go out and meet lots of people. Preferably doing whatever it is you like to do best. Because you are more likely to meet the kind of people you want doing that. Apply your List of Specifications. Reject and pursue accordingly.
Eventually you will find someone you like who meets your hopes for a partner, and you will date, and it will be awesome.
AND THEN likely you will find out something about this person that you did not think to include on your list because you had never encountered it before, but now you know this is definitely On The List and you cannot date this person anymore.
This blows. Feel free to be really sad at this point.
Then add that Thing, and any other Things you have discovered on the way to your List, and rinse and repeat.
So far this method has gotten me two really excellent long-term relationships. The first did not work out but was COMPLETELY worth it for all the good times we had together, and helped me make a better list that has gotten me to the wonderful guy I am currently with. I have hopes it will work out with this guy, but if it does not I fully intend to do this whole rigamarole again, because it has helped me date people whom I feel satisfied to have dated, even if ultimately we decided not to walk into the sunset together.
I hope that helps. And please, please, please - go meet people! You cannot reject/pursue people you have not met! There are a million 'Pinner threads that suggest great ways to meet new people if you are stuck on that point.
"A Lady: This girl is rubbing me the wrong way. I really don't know what to say, she was just trying to be funny. What is up?
A Dude: Yeah, I feel bad.
A Lady: Maybe you should go out with her.
A Dude: I doubt it a lot, no offense?"
Ugh. A swing and a miss right here. This whole exchange, and particularly that awful 'no offense?' at the end, are the most unpleasantly smug and snarky words I've read all day.
Yeah, can we not do this again? Fun experiment, but it seems like none of the people writing in got any help at all here.
By Emby on Friday Open Thread
@Nicole Cliffe CONGRATS JANE, WHEREVER YOU ARE! PROBABLY, LIKE, BABIES Я US!
By tessamae on Friday Open Thread
@olivebee I agree with @ReginaSavage's savings plan as it encompasses a bit if both. I can speak a bit from the #2 side as well. I'm in nonprofit and adore my job, but the low-pay almost can sometimes then tip the scales into stressing me the fuck out in my personal life, which can negate all the positive feelings that my job can bring. I think what I've learned to strive for is a balance between the two (as in using option #1 to save up to pursue option #2) as much as you can manage.
DON'T YOU "EYE ROLL" IN JESSICA FLETCHER'S DIRECTION!
What, no Manchurian Candidate? No Gaslight? No EVIL Angela Lansbury?
I kid because I love (these posts). And because I am genuinely interested in getting the looks.
@Emby Don't take this the wrong way, but...the equals sign is right next to the delete key.