On One Weird Trick to Control Your Boyfriend's Mind (the Trick Is Pouring Juice in His Dickhole)

This was hilarious.

Also, I'm incredibly down. This means I'll actually WANT to go to Shakespeare in the Park, right? And think it was of my own volition? Mind control away, ladies, much better than twisting my arm into going.

But also, also. INSERT AND REMOVE MEMORIES. Meh. Still down.

Posted on September 13, 2013 at 4:51 pm 2

On Sophie, "Bipp"

1. Can't believe SOPHIE is on the hairpin
2. this song aint' bad. but it ain't the techinicolor slab of buttery ecstasy that is NOTHING MORE TO SAY/EEEH

Posted on June 21, 2013 at 5:25 pm 0

On Horror and Loss in Glamorous Hollywood

wonderfully written, and terrifying - I can't even imagine. Especially since I know exactly the crowd you're talking about - I'm a bit younger than you are (was high school friends with Joe Cardomone's little sister, actually) but the gutter punks were still hanging out when I was driving into hollywood for metal shows.

Posted on March 11, 2013 at 5:22 pm 0

On Drunk Pics, Hot Sisters, and Long-Distance Dumping

@itiresias i, thank god, purchased an actual bed after only one year of post-college-mattress-on-floor living, so this isn't me, but my fitted sheet does not. stay. on. the dang mattress. it's a constant source of stress! especially now that i know that those girls who say 'oh it's no big deal' as i leap across the room to try and fix the sheet are in fact judging me (probably rightfully) as a boy man. horrific.

that said, nothing to get you out of bed to go to work in the morning like somehow having pulled your fitted sheet off in your sleep. i swear the sizes should match, what's the deal? help me out ladies

Posted on November 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm 1

On Loaner Shirts, Neon Books, and the Meanings of Sleazy

@danpossiblytheman Addendum: It's pretty safe to assume that a dude is, at almost every point in your initial interactions, making some sort of faulty assumption about what you want based on what he wants/what past women have wanted, and to (gently) set his ass straight if you want to speed up the process to where he's assuming what you want based on what he actually knows you want. That's what dudes mean when they say shit like, "We're not mind readers!" And again: if a guy ISN'T receptive to having those assumptions corrected, that's on him.

Posted on October 3, 2012 at 1:55 pm 2

On Loaner Shirts, Neon Books, and the Meanings of Sleazy

@Sea Ermine as a dude, question one popped out at me. I occasionally lend t-shirts on request (i rarely offer them, but that's because I never sleep with one on, so you know, doesn't occur first thing after sex). Not taking an offered shirt is fine, and if it's not, that's the dude's fault. Who is the dude who is like, 'TAKE THIS SHIRT!! PUT IT ON!!' That is not a real person/that is a horrible person. Guys just offer shirts because they want you to be comfortable, and while the dude is right that a girl in a tshirt and underwear is hot, so is a girl in no-shirt and panties, or nothing at all, or really most clothing, sans parkas/rain coats (rain boots are cool). I happily lend shirts/basketball shorts on request, and if a guy is used to sleeping in a shirt himself/the last girl asked for one he's probably just assuming you want one.

Posted on October 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm 2

On Tattooed People: More or Less Fun?

@SheWhoReadsInSkirts yeah, but they also can't tell if you took a couple vicodin ahead of time [HIGHLY RECOMMENDED if you're getting something your ribs. The outlining session, first 45 minutes: "Oh yeah I'm tough, the pain is important or something." Last 45 minutes: "Oh god I'm taking painkillers before I get this colored in"]

Posted on April 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm 0

On Mini Ask a Lady: Teenage Tattoos

When I was 13 or so my best friend and I designed these companion piece tattoos - mine was going to be a giant dragon covering my back, and his was going to be a white tiger that covered his entire left side, front and back and arm (nerdy boys, much?). Anyways, I remember telling my parents at dinner that I wanted to get a tattoo, what I wanted, etc.

In one of her all-time best parenting moves, my mom didn't argue, she just said, "Ok, that's fine - we think you're too young, but we'll take you to get that tattoo on your 16th birthday if you still want it."

Now, I was like, WUT. I love my parents, and they're not that uptight, but this was so unexpected - naturally, 13-year-old me was happy as can be and dropped the subject. And believe it or not, by the time I turned 16, when my mom jokingly asked if I still wanted that tattoo, I was like, "Noooooooooo." [not that she would have let me get it had I said yes, but still]. That would have been the WORST decision.

I've got two tattoos - one I got when I was 20, and it's the NYC skyline + my grandfather's initials, birthdate/death date, on my bicep, the other when I was 23, a tree of knowledge of good and evil on my left ribs/lovehandles area, and I'm extremely happy with both. I've always wanted one or two more, but I think the lesson with tattoos is that it never hurts to wait a bit: If it's something you really want, you'll still want it in a year (and you might be able to afford it without starving too!)

Posted on April 20, 2012 at 8:44 pm 0

On Make Friends With Diplo & Friends, Friends

hahahaha what, the hairpin knows about heath caring and lunice's ill dance moves [even if you totally missed an opportunity to post this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=or3zUKiJb50 ] and just generally enjoys beats? never woulda guessed. A+

Posted on April 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm 0

On Fantasies, Expiration Dates, and the Vasectomy

@SarahP Man, my dad had one when I was like 14 or 15.. besides the obvious thing a 14 year old boy would notice(oh gross, mom and dad still do it all the time), there was the hilarious dinner time conversation when my mom tried to vaguely explain to my sister (then 10) why dad had been sitting on the couch home for work for a few days... and my sister responded, "DADDY HAS NO BALLS?! LIKE LATTE?!? [the family terrier]."

this isn't really relevant to your questions, except to say, even with that brutal indignity, my dad seems fine these days, and it's a hilarious anecdote i wanted to share.

that said, he did tell me it hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER for a couple days. but hey, tough guys!

Posted on March 23, 2012 at 2:47 pm 17